tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31937505677720526192024-02-20T11:39:22.416-08:00Rachie's First BlogRachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.comBlogger98125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-39942094593356234752018-02-26T05:08:00.001-08:002018-02-26T05:08:03.349-08:00Choosing to be a victim...or notLast night my husband and I went to see one of our son's final performances in his high school jazz band. It was a swing dance in the gym, where all of the jazz bands from the surrounding schools came to play in a fun, dance hall setting. We had a great time, and as much as I love seeing my son perform, since it was cold and snowy out, the tiny, inertia-inspired part of me honestly wasn't thrilled about leaving my couch cocoon and putting on real pants. <br />
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Anyway, we went, we had a wonderful time, we hung out for a bit afterwards schmoozing with some of the parents and teachers, and eventually strolled out to the parking lot, happy and warm on the inside from such a fabulous evening. We got to the car and there was a woman standing beside it. She looked at us, put her hand decisively on her hip and spat out angrily, "I've been waiting out here for twenty minutes trying to leave."<br />
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Surprised, we looked at our car, then at her car, and then at the mini school bus that had come while we were inside at the event and had <i>parked directly in front of her.</i> It wasn't there when we arrived, we had simply pulled into an empty space behind her, but now we were clearly boxing her in. <br />
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YIKES! It was about 25 degrees out, snowing lightly, and I instantly felt so badly that she had been standing out there for so long. (Although presumably she had passed the time somewhat warmly inside her car.) We apologized profusely, jumped into our car as quickly as possible and got the heck out of her way immediately.<br />
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As we drove home I continued to feel guilty about the whole situation...for about 30 more seconds. At that point I realized, Wait a minute! There was no reason whatsoever for her to have remained outside in the cold for so long waiting for us! We were in one place at a school, not a big concert hall, and there were only about 50 or so adults still inside by the time we left. She could have very easily come back inside and announced on the microphone that she was boxed in by our make and model of car and license plate number. It would have taken about ten seconds and she could have been happily on her way. Or if she wasn't comfortable making a big announcement, she could have approached the adults she saw, explained her situation to each one, and undoubtedly in less time than she would have been out in the cold, she would have found us, crisis averted. <br />
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The point is, she COULD have done SOMETHING to help herself out. She could have taken some measure of control over the situation and taken steps to at least try to rectify it. But instead, she CHOSE to remain in her unhappy situation, no doubt growing angrier and more frustrated by the minute, and was all too happy to unload her frustration on whom she perceived to be the cause of her despair. <br />
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It wasn't our fault, we didn't do it on purpose, and while it caused her some inconvenience and discomfort, because we didn't know it about it, we weren't able to fix it for her. With that being the case, the onus was squarely on her to do what she could to make it better. But she didn't. She made the choice to stay out there and remain in the unpleasant situation, blaming others for her misfortune, rather than trying to do something productive to change it.<br />
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How often do we do the same thing in our lives? We stay in an unhealthy environment or in less-than-ideal circumstances because we think we have to. We believe that we have no control over our situations no matter how miserable we are or how much we might want them to change. But the truth is, more often than not we DO have some manner of control over our circumstances and we CAN make the conscious choice to stop being a victim, and instead become the heroes of our own stories. <br />
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I have mentioned here before about the untenable job situation I was in but felt powerless to leave. Looking back, I should have left within the first few weeks and gotten some other job, ANY other job, that would have prevented me from crying every single night for a year and half. I have a dear friend who is in a miserable marriage and wants to get divorced but is convinced she can't because of money. We box ourselves in, just like the woman in the car, and we stay trapped because we are unable to think outside of that box to see other, perhaps unconventional solutions. <br />
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What could I have done so many years ago? Well, I was a college graduate who had some professional work experience so had I quit I could have easily temped at a temp agency until I found a permanent position. Or I could have gone back to retail, which I did when I was in high school and college. Or I could have swallowed my enormous amounts of pride and asked to borrow money from my family or friends until I found something with a salary. The fact that I got a job within weeks of finally leaving that one showed me in hindsight that with my education and skills I most likely would have gotten something sooner rather than later had I left when I should have. <br />
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The point is, I was miserable, I was unhappy, I was stuck, and I allowed myself to remain there. There was absolutely positively no reason to. My friend COULD leave her marriage, it wouldn't be easy, it would be mountainously difficult, but she has a healthy functioning body, a college degree, and many years of work experience behind her, so she would undoubtedly land on her feet if she took the leap. <br />
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So often we get stuck in "that's just the way it is." If people always thought like that I can't even think about what our country would look like with regard to civil rights and women's rights. If humans always thought like that we'd have no technology or innovations and we'd all still be cooking over a fire and washing our clothes in streams with rocks. Too many times have we settled for "just the way it is," when we could be reaching for "the way it COULD be," and "the way it SHOULD be."<br />
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Inertia can be a powerful thing - believe me, I get sucked into inaction as much as anyone. But when we find ourselves in a situation that compromises our happiness or our values or our ideals and prevents us from living the most joyous, fulfilling, spectacular lives possible, I think we need to ask ourselves, "Do I need to stay out here stuck in the snow, waiting for someone else to get me out? Or do I need to examine other choices that I can do NOW, TODAY, AT THIS MOMENT, to take matters into my own hands and break free from the situation I'm in." <br />
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Nine times out of ten there will be SOMETHING you can do. Even if it's turning around and noticing the<i> other</i> car when it pulls out in front of you.<br />
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<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-46885427326638346992018-01-22T08:04:00.002-08:002018-01-22T08:04:48.944-08:00Haters gonna hateIn the inimitable words of Taylor Swift, "'Cause the players gonna play play play play play and the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate, Baby I'm just gonna shake shake shake shake shake, shake it off, shake it off."<br />
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I gotta be honest, I'm having trouble shaking off all of the haters today because of how well our players play play played yesterday.<br />
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To clarify, we're New England Patriots fans. We lived in Boston for 12 years, we fell in love with the city and its people, our kids were both born there, and for anyone who is familiar with the area, Bostonians have a civic pride that I've never seen anywhere else. People from Boston are proud to be from Boston, and proud to share their city and its customs with anyone who wants to join in. <br />
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We were there when the Red Sox reversed the curse, conquered the Yankees and ultimately won the World Series in 2004. I can tell you that the joy and excitement was palpable in the air and in the smiles and greetings from everywhere around us. Strangers literally high-fived each other between their cars and we all felt like no matter else happened in our lives, we would always have THIS magical time to look back on and to share. It was pure magic, and it happened when they won again in 2007, and again in 2013, although not to the same billowy extent.<br />
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We were also there when the Patriots started their magnificent winning streak. We collectively bemoaned losing Drew Bledsoe and having to make do with the second string replacement named Tom Brady. We blissfully shouted and cheered when he and Bill Belichick led the team to their first ever Superbowl win in 2000, after being the team for so many years that everyone (including me) chose as their sure winner for the office losers pool. We have been steadfast fans ever since, and now that we live in Broncos country, we are able to share a quiet smile or nod when we see fellow citizens decked out in Patriots gear on game day. Being a long-time Patriots fan has brought my family and me so much excitement and joy for the past 18 years, but now it feels like we're rooting for the bullies on the playground who won't let anyone else have the ball. <br />
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Haters gonna hate.<br />
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And to be honest, I can't quite figure it out. I'm told that it's because they have been winning for so long now that it doesn't seem fair to the other teams. (I get that, but it's not like they are winning because they made some deal with a supernatural force. They are winning because they are phenomenally dedicated, they work incredibly hard, and no matter what has happened in the past, they keep looking forward to what's next. <b>Isn't this what we teach our kids is the road map to success?</b>) People are also quick to condemn from the hearsay of cheating scandals (nothing has ever been proven by the way) and jump on any bandwagon that puts the players and/or coaches in a bad light. Thankfully, being a fan I have never felt any discrimination due to the NFL team that I choose to cheer for during a 19 or so weeks in the middle of Winter. <br />
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Until now. <br />
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Anyone who knows me knows that I love to throw a party. I was an events planner for years and one of my true joys in life is planning a get together. In past years I have joyfully hosted a Superbowl party, complete with tons of food, games, prizes, and specially rigged televisions for optimal viewing pleasure. We cheer for the winners, we commiserate with the losers, all in the name of fun and sportsmanship, enjoying the special feeling that comes with sharing a communal activity. <br />
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Not this year. This year my son has been told to his face that under no circumstances will certain of his friends enter his house on Superbowl Sunday because we're rooting for the Patriots. He did say not to take in personally, he just hates the Patriots so much that he can't even be in a place that will be supporting them. He has one friend who makes it his personal goal to badmouth the team in our presence to any and all who will listen. And last year, after spending time and money and effort to host a party, one particular individual went out of his way to comment on every play that was made against the Patriots and made disparaging remarks all the way up until halftime when he blessedly left. He was so rude, right to my face, under the guise of being funny, and the whole thing just left me feeling like, "Why do people have to be so mean? Especially when none of this stuff even matters in the scheme of things."<br />
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Sigh.<br />
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I know that people take their professional sports very seriously, more seriously than I do, but it seems like this year in particular, people are jumping onto the hater bandwagon with everything. Friendships and even marriages have ended due to their voting choices, and everyone is so quick to point fingers and place blame on others, assuming the worst without hearing every side of the story. It's so clear to me that there is some need for humans to feel superior to one another, and singling out one particular team or their fans to pick on is, to me, a slippery slope toward putting people in condemnation boxes, simply because of an affinity for something trivial, and nothing to do with who they are as people. It feels more than a little scary these days, with jealousy and hate taking the place of compassion and love in people's hearts and minds in this country.<br />
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Why does this hurt me so much? Something came to mind this morning as I was nursing my still tender wounds about not being able to have a party this year (parties depend on attendees and no one will come to one this year). I remembered a situation when I had felt the exact same way.<br />
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I was 10 years old (yes, we're drawing way back into the memory bank here). I had auctioned for and happily made it into an elite singing group affectionately called "The TV Choir" because we had an opportunity to perform on a a show produced by a local tv station. We were led by a gorgeous, young, aspiring singer, who couldn't wait for her closeup herself. We sang five or six songs total, and when there were solos, I got every one. (I didn't audition for these solos by the way, the leader just gave them out as she saw fit.) I was obviously the best singer in the bunch and she wanted us to sound the best we possibly could for this unique shot at a few minutes of local fame. <br />
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Unfortunately, my joy at having this chance to showcase my talents was completely overshadowed by the hate I felt from my fellow choir members. I overheard nasty comments and I definitely felt the daggers shot at me when we were situated into our final tv places, with me being moved closest to the floor microphone. I was being punished in the most effective way that people know of, for something that wasn't even my fault in the least. I didn't angle for the solos, I didn't bribe the leader or convince a friendly leprechaun to work some magic on by behalf, I got them because I was the best. But the sadness that being the best caused me made me want to prefer just singing in the back row, being accepted by the rest of the group rather than being proud of my own little star getting to shine.<br />
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Well not anymore. I still can't have a party because the haters ain't gonna come. But I can still wear my Tom Brady jersey with pride, knowing that no matter what anyone else says, statistically speaking he is the Greatest Quarterback Of All Time. (This is not based on opinion - math and numbers don't lie.) I can also root for whatever team I want to root for, because it's just football, it's not actually life or death (despite what some people would have us believe.) And most of all, like all things, at some point, probably soon, this ever-winning dynasty will end and some other team will take their place at the top of the podium. Same for the current pop music star, same for the current political administration, and same for the current health food fad of the moment. Everything ends, so why waste time hating on people for something that is not only temporary, but that doesn't really matter whatsoever in the first place. <br />
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If someone is intentionally hurting another human being, or discriminating against, or stealing from, or cheating against, or lying to, or deliberately manipulating, or bullying, or committing some other crime against humanity, then by all means their actions (not the people themselves) should be rebuked and attempts should be made for apologies, retribution, and an introduction to a new and different path. But hating someone for the team they cheer for, or the country they live in, or the religion they choose to observe, or the beliefs and values they were taught as children? This kind of behavior is unconscionable, and it disgusts me that human beings will often take any minor differentiation from themselves to truly hate and vilify another human being.<br />
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Does anyone even remember who won the Superbowl 2 or 3 years ago? Or who won a Grammy award? Or who was president before we were born? Of course not. So that's a LOT of wasted energy and effort on hating something that doesn't leave any kind of lasting impression whatsoever.<br />
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You know what does last though? The encouraging comment made to a struggling student by a caring teacher - the comment that the student as an adult says changed his life and put him on the road to becoming the successful and happy man he is today. The extra moment taken to hug the child before she heads out to the bus stop, so she can start the day feeling secure and knowing that no matter what happens in the day, she is safe and loved. The high-five by the coach to the kid who had to be taken out of the basketball game because it just wasn't his day. And the powerful words of friends and family members who take the time to pay attention when children and adults alike are being bullied and step in to confront or comfort when necessary. All of these things have the ability to bring light and color and joy into the hearts of others, and allow those glimpses of humanity that we're all searching for in our daily lives. <br />
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So if you don't want to come to my party I can unequivocally say that you will be missing a great time. Come Superbowl Sunday, the few of us who are here will be full-on celebrating the fun and exuberance of an American tradition. We'll be shaking our patriotic pom poms, shouting and cheering at a television screen, all the while knowing that at the end of 3 1/2 hours or so, our lives will go on and nothing will have changed, except that we may be glowing from adrenaline and the thrill of sharing an exciting experience together. <br />
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So the players are indeed gonna play play play play play, and you haters are gonna go on hate hate hating. To you I say, go ahead if you must. Meanwhile I'm sure glad I'm not you because I'm going to go on cheering and smiling instead. I wonder which one of us will end up with a happier life overall?Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-181444743128358232018-01-01T09:49:00.002-08:002018-01-01T09:49:50.141-08:002018 New Year's Resolutions Part 2This is Part 2 of my New Year's resolutions for 2018. In the previous post I explain why I'm doing these and what my #1 resolution is. (Spoiler alert: it's to stop complaining. Entirely.)<div>
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My second New Year's resolution is similar to the first, but slightly different. While I intend to stop complaining about the things and situations around me that I may not like or agree with, I also want to stop another bad habit that I have and have always had. I do not want to have this habit and while I've made considerable strides toward ending it in the past, this year there is going to be a concerted effort on my part to eradicate it from my mind, soul, and body entirely. </div>
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Stop judging. </div>
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As in criticizing, measuring against, comparing, demeaning, juxtaposing, scorning, etc. etc. other people, and, more importantly, M.Y.S.E.L.F.</div>
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I recently spent an extended period of time with a group of people who measure others by factors like the size of their houses, the amount in their bank accounts, the number and places of vacations they go on every year, and by the number on their scales. Whoever isn't on what they determine to be their level, gets cut down and condemned for not being up to snuff. What's actually funny about these people is that they are not living in what would be considered to be mansions by American standards, nor do they look like the Barbie and Ken dolls that have been established as conventionally attractive in this day and age. Their vacations do not take place in extravagant locales only accessible by the uber-rich, nor do they have safety deposit boxes bursting with rare jewels and deeds to castles. Which made me realize something that I had never really realized before:</div>
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These people judge <i><u>everyone</u></i> and <u><i>everything</i></u> that is different from their way of doing things. It's not the huge size of their bank accounts that cause them to be so critical, it's the minuscule size of their minds. If someone's house is smaller than theirs, then they are put down for having such a small house. If someone has a bigger house than they have, then they are put down because who the heck would want to live in such a big house? Too much space to heat and clean on a regular basis. </div>
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Try it for a second - it's fun! Let's say you are a judger, and a meat eater. You love steak and chicken and all things pork-related. You meet a vegan. They are happy, and healthy, and have made this choice for some reason unbeknownst to you. What are some of the thoughts that go through your head? "How on earth could someone not eat meat? What's wrong with this person? Don't they know how good bacon tastes? They are foolish for choosing a plant-based diet for themselves. People need protein, they will be malnourished for making the choice every day to omit animal products from their diet. I'm so glad I'm not like them, they are stupid and dumb and I would never want to be like them or even associate with them ever."</div>
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Feels good doesn't it? It's an anthropological need of humans beings to feel superior to their fellow humans. Hence the multiple genocides that have taken place since we got out of our caves and began interacting with each other. Hence the prejudice and racism and anti-anyone-who-does-things-differently-than-I-do-or-looks-different-from-me attitudes that continue to propagate and pervade our human existence. </div>
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You may feel like, "I don't do that! My feeling toward vegans is live and let live. If they want to eat that way, as long as they don't try to tell me to do it too it's fine with me." Ok. So instead of vegan, substitute a religion that's different from yours. Or political affiliation. Or sexual orientation. Or how they choose to spend their free time. Or how they choose to wear their hair. Or what size their jeans are. Or what kind of sneakers they wear. Or what kind of car they drive. Or how much square footage is in their house. Or what kind of pet they own. Or what their friends look like. Or what kind of phone they use. Or the size of their living room television. Or how many people they have dated. Or what kind of parenting methods they use. Or where they went to college. Or if they went to college. Or where they buy their groceries. Or how they like their meat cooked. Or who they are married to. Or what kind of movies they enjoy. Or which parts of the newspaper they read. Or their level of education. Or how they hang their toilet paper. The list is honestly endless. It seems like almost everyone can find something that they judge another person about. Whether they realize it or not. </div>
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And a lot of this isn't our fault. Social media permeates our consciousness and tell us what is attractive, what is acceptable, and what is "normal," and sets up often unrealistic ideals that many of us can never measure up to. We need to make a conscious effort these days to turn off the shows and posts and photos that constantly tell us if we're not as rich as, and as thin as, and as famous as the people we're being barraged by, then we're simply not good enough. </div>
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(Of course, what we're seeing is all fake anyway, but that's for another time...)</div>
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It's bad enough that we mercilessly judge other people in our heads, (or for some people, quite unsolicitedly out loud), who are just trying to live their lives as contentedly as possible according to their values and ideals, but I believe it's even worse when we do it to ourselves. How many times have we looked into the mirror and instead of loving and being grateful for what we see, we find what we see as wrong and reflexively put them down one by one. What we consider to be the "extra" flab around our stomach, or the abhorrent gray hairs at our temples, or the unacceptable wrinkles by our eyes. (This is why so many people are addicted to plastic surgery by the way.) What's crazy is that no one else is standing there by the mirror pointing these things out to us. We're doing it wholly to ourselves! It's so ridiculous. But we've gotten in such a habit of judging others that it makes sense the criticism would also fall to the one person we spend the most time with every day. </div>
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Quite simply, we have to fight it. We have to fight against believing the people whose opinions try to cut us down, and we have to fight against our own harsh judgments that may have been ingrained in us since birth. We have to fight it by not buying into them, and we have to fight it by STOPPING DOING IT!</div>
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I know a single woman in her mid-forties who is perfectly content every day with her successful career and vibrant social life. Day to day she wouldn't change a thing because she is perfectly happy with the choices she has made to end up with the life she has. But every time she visits her family, who ask about if she's met anyone yet and if there's still a chance she could possibly have children, she feels inadequate and sad because she's not measuring up to what they have repeatedly told her is a successful and acceptable life. Why do we allow other people to judge us negatively and to make us judge ourselves as a result?</div>
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I know another woman who did exactly what was expected of her - she had her coming out ball in her late teens, married a rich socialite right out of college. She has 2 children, (a boy and a girl no less), a big house, lots of money, a second house on the beach, gets mani-pedis every two weeks, and has a bunch of girlfriends who all live the same way and get together regularly to for drinks and to complain about their lives. At these get-togethers they are all judging and talking about the peons who don't live they way they do, but interestingly, they are all also judging EACH OTHER and texting select ones secretly things like, "Can you believe the handbag she bought?" and "Did you see what her son was wearing at the country club?" and "I can't believe she upgraded her diamond to THAT," etc. etc. Scary but true. I honestly don't know if the woman in that group that I know is happy or not in her situation but I can tell you that when I knew her in my youth she had very different dreams for her eventual life. </div>
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I'm getting off track here and I'm realizing that I'm now judging them for judging others. What a vicious circle I have created here! </div>
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Anyway, my point is, that as much as I hate to admit it, I have fallen into the trap of judging others who do things differently from me too. That is hard for me to realize about myself but the first step toward change is admitting you have a problem, right? </div>
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I used to know someone who was obsessed with her looks. She never left the house without spending 2 hours on her hair and makeup and worked out every day without fail. She particularly loved going to spin classes. I remember hearing about how she would drive to her gym (which was less than a mile away), put a reserved sign on the bike she wanted to use, drive back home, and then a half an hour later, drive back to the gym to take her class on her bike. I knew another person in the same neighborhood, equally obsessed with her looks, who also worked out every single day and lived a half a mile away from the same gym. (Which was brand new and had all of the latest and greatest equipment and amenities.) Every day this woman would drive 45 minutes each way to cross a state line to go to her old gym, where she lived before, leaving her infant child in day care to do so. </div>
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I'll be honest. I judged both of these women harshly. I thought things like, "Who would do that? Why would someone do that? That is absurd! I would NEVER do that!" etc. etc. etc. </div>
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Do you know what I have now realized? These women enjoyed doing these things. They fulfilled whatever they needed to be happy and they took the time and effort to do what they wanted when they wanted. They had the money to do these things, they had the time to do these things, and most importantly, THEY WEREN'T HURTING ANYONE ELSE BY WHAT THEY WERE DOING, NOR WERE THEY AFFECTING ANY PART OF MY LIFE WHATSOEVER!" So why the hell did I care? Why did I find it necessary to put them down and judge them for how they chose to spend their time? </div>
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The same goes for people who are prejudiced against anyone else. I know practicing Protestants who can't understand why anyone would sit through what they consider to be an interminably long and boring Catholic mass. They don't for a second think about the comfort and joy it brings to practicing Catholics who have grown up participating in them thousands of times with fellow participants in their faith and rituals. Here's what I would like to ask them: "What do you care if someone you don't know goes to a service that you know nothing about? Are they getting in your way? Are they preventing you from practicing your own faith? Are their rituals affecting your life in any way shape or form? If the answer to any or all of these questions is "no" then why are you spending so much time criticizing their actions? Because different is scary and no one likes to be scared. </div>
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I know many people who are horribly prejudiced against homosexual human beings who fall in love with each other and create families together. These intolerant people will leave the comfort of their homes to carry signs and shout mean things and expend an enormous amount of energy to make sure that their bigoted views are known by all who are within earshot, and hopefully for them, broadcast widely to a television viewing audience. Those who don't go to all of that trouble will do things more subtlety, such as refuse to share space with them or deliberately not hire those whom they deem "wrong" by their core beliefs and values. To these disgusting individuals (and yes, here I am judging the judgers, which I realize is wrong...see, this is why I have to work on this) I would ask them: "If handsome, successful, famous, good-looking Neil Patrick Harris wants to marry handsome, successful, famous, good-looking David Burtka, and they decide to raise two children in a loving, considerate (big, wealthy, impeccably decorated) home, why do you care one iota what they do? Do you know them? Is their life in California impeding on your life in Duluth in any way? If the answer is no then put down your picket sign, shut your mouth, and focus instead on how you can better your own life and not spend it spreading hate and cruelty out into the world around you. </div>
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All right, let me climb down from my soapbox and try to put what I'm trying to say as simply as possibly. This year I am going to stop judging other people and what they do, even if what they are doing is different from how I would do things and if their views and opinions do not line up with mine. I am going to remember that every human being on the Earth makes decisions based on their own values and ideas and I have no right whatsoever to judge them for it. Most importantly, I am going to remember that I would not want someone judging me for my choices and actions and therefore I am going to treat others the way I would want to be treated. And those others starts with the most important person of all, myself. </div>
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Period. </div>
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I just read this quote by Brene Brown, "At the end of every day, and at the end of every week, and at the end of my life, I want to be able to say I contributed more than I criticized." </div>
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So do I my friends. So do I. </div>
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Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-23769288907727342262018-01-01T08:24:00.003-08:002018-01-01T08:24:30.332-08:002018 New Year's Resolutions Part 1In the past I've been on the fence about New Year's resolutions. The pattern I've seen with myself and other people is that we are completely, 100%, gung-ho about our resolutions that always include bettering ourselves somehow; losing weight, exercising more, becoming more organized, etc. They are always about something that we feel is lacking in ourselves and that we want to fix. I think that when we look at resolutions this way we set ourselves up to fail because the underlying belief when we set out to make these changes is that we are not perfectly okay and acceptable the just the way we are already. We feel like these modifications will finally help to make us suitable for living the happy and fulfilled life that we have always dreamed of. Which is why the first time we skip the gym, or lose our keys, or eat a piece of chocolate, we tend to throw in the towel and tell ourselves, "Well at least I made it longer than I did last year!"<br />
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This year I have a different feeling about New Year's resolutions. It comes courtesy of a person whom I trust and admire (okay, it's James Murray, actor, comedy writer and performer, and published author, most famous for the show Impractical Jokers, whose video I watched yesterday on this very topic). He was talking about how much he believes in the positive effectiveness of making New Year's resolutions, especially in the power of writing them down. He said that not only is the act of writing them down empowering for the person, but it also helps him to be able to really focus and hone in on the specific goals he wants to accomplish. His weren't big, vague goals like "I want to be a better person," his were distinct ones like "Sell a comedy show to a major network," and "Visit Colorado at least once." I really like that approach because I believe that putting things out into the universe with the intention of getting them done can really help us when trying to achieve our goals, and that we can consider the universe our partner in getting them done.<br />
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Along with the focusing our intentions specifically, what he said next I thought was both funny and true. Murr said that when we write our goals down, and keep them in a place where we can see them daily, we feel so guilty about NOT doing what we said we wanted to do that we end up doing them! Isn't that hilarious? For those of us for whom guilt can be a strong motivation factor, I'm in! Whatever works to get us to our goals, right?!<br />
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All kidding aside, after watching his video, and receiving his "personal" encouragement to go after my hopes and dreams, I decided that I would indeed make some New Year's resolutions for myself this January 1st. So far I've come up with 2 (second one to be revealed in next post).<br />
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1. Stop complaining. Period. I've been thinking about this for a few weeks ever since I heard myself complaining for the third time in three days about something that I had to do that I didn't want to do. I was visiting with some people whom I hadn't seen in about a year. We were catching up on each others' lives, laughing and talking about what we were all up to, and I found myself monologuing about this particular thing, repeating the same grumbling and grousings that I had said to some friends the day before, and to a different friend the day before. Halfway through my minor tirade I feel like I stepped out of myself and was watching me from the outside, as these people were doing. They were all nodding their heads and saying things like, "Ugh, I hear you," and "Yeah, me too!" and I noted that the entire mood of the room had changed from brightness and joy to gloomy and gray. I realized in that moment that I HAD DONE THAT! I had changed the entire timbre of the experience for everyone and I felt my brain say to myself, "What are you doing? Is this the person you want to be? Do you want to be the person who spreads light and encouragement and sparkle into the world, or do you want to be one who throws dourness and bitterness and pessimism into the space and minds of the people around you?" This was quickly followed by a loud and unmistakable message from my brain which was, "STOP!!!!!"<br />
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I stopped, and did my best to detour the conversation to a happier direction, but after I left these people I took a long time to think about what had just happened. I replayed the conversation in my head and really looked at it with a critical eye. Was all of the hate, judgment, and vitriol being spewed about on social media and in our collective consciousness rubbing off on me? Was I allowing other people's frustration and despair in the world around them to creep into my sensibilities? At once I was reminded of the words from Professor Randy Pausch's famous Last Lecture speech: "Do you want to be a Tigger or an Eeyore?"<br />
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Well I know the answer to that (it's a Tigger), but I allowed myself to travel back in time to 2 places to help me illustrate that more clearly to my own self. <br />
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I remembered a very close friend I had my freshman year of college. When we met we both felt like each other was the sister we had never had. We would stay up late talking about anything and everything, we called each other our best friends, and we liked each other so much that we decided to become roommates our sophomore year. I remember I was so happy. I felt like I had finally found a person who really "got" me - my sense of humor, my outlook on life, and someone with whom I could really be 100% myself. <br />
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A few months into this newfound friendship bliss, another friend of mine (a junior, so much older and wiser) took me aside and told me as gently as she could that perhaps this sister-friend of mine wasn't necessarily as good for me as I thought she was. She mentioned how much I had changed since hanging out with her, and that this friend missed the happy, cheerful, encouraging person she had so enjoyed spending time with before I had met this other one. She told me that I was no longer the bright and inspiring person she had been drawn to from the moment she met me, and asked me to just consider what she was saying out of love for me and wanting me to have the happiest and most fulfilled life I could have. <br />
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Wow. This was most definitely a blow to my spirit, and looking back on it now I can see what immense courage it took for her to take the risk to say those things to me. The change in me must have mattered a lot for her to take that time and effort to say those difficult things to me (that no one wants to hear), rather than just write me off as someone who was beyond help. <br />
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Fast forward a few months to sophomore year, and I had a friend (whom I didn't necessarily know very well) visit me at college. On Day 2 of his visit I noticed he was seeming pretty down and unlike his usual chipper self. I asked him what was wrong and he responded, "All you guys do is complain and talk about each other. You never have any fun. How do you live like this?"<br />
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Wow again. An even bigger blow to my heart and spirit because I had no idea that this was what my life had become. We salvaged his trip by going off by ourselves and doing our own thing sans my friends, but his words stayed with me as I examined what he said as a person looking in from the outside. <br />
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He was right. And my other friend was right too. I had changed. I had fallen into a pattern of complaining and bellyaching, and, if you'll forgive the salty phrase, "bitching and moaning" about my life, no matter what was happening in it. And as I thought about it, I realized something that I hadn't realized before:<br />
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Complaining is fun. Whining and fussing about every situation satisfies our desire to find the worst in everything. Even more so, criticizing everything and everyONE around us keeps us on what we believe to be a higher level. If we're constantly judging others and putting everyone else down, it lets us remain at the top, perceiving ourselves to be superior to everyone and everything we're deliberately putting below us. That's how I was living. And to a certain degree, it felt good. <br />
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I will forever be grateful to those two souls who cared about me enough to tell me the hard stuff I didn't want to hear. To be honest, it hurt a lot to hear those things from those two people, but thankfully enough of my true self was still left that I was able to put aside the pain of what felt like attacks on my very self to realize the truth of their words. And I can still remember them now.<br />
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(Just to wrap up the story of the sister-friend, about a month after we started living together, she ended up dating the guy that I had a crush on, after promising me she would help me "land" him. She moved out less than halfway through our second semester and dumped the guy - whom she didn't really like but was a perfect rebound for her - shortly thereafter. I bumped into her fifteen or so years later at a mutual friend's wedding. I was happily married with two kids and a successful career, she was miserably single, working at a job she hated, and still seemed to be mad at the world for dealing her such a bad hand. Once again, very very thankful for those two people who took the time to help me reset my thinking and put me on a different, healthier path. <br />
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I also traveled back in time to remember some quotes from some of my favorite books of all time. (I actually didn't have to travel back that far because I still read them regularly.) They are the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. In them she discusses frequently how she was taught to never complain. During the hard winter where the family almost starved and nearly froze to death, Laura was complaining about the dry wheat bread that they were forced to eat when all other provisions ran out. Her mother cut her off saying, "Don't complain Laura! Never complain about what you have!" So true. It's all in how you look at it. When the family lost all of their crops to a grasshopper plague, they were all standing outside, completely devastated at the demise of their hopes for the coming year. Next to the decimated fields were the chickens, running maniacally around, gobbling grasshoppers as quickly as possible. Ma remarked quietly, "There is no great loss without some small gain. Now at least we don't have to buy feed for the hens." That would have been the most perfect, acceptable, and completely understandable time to complain, but she chose to have a different perspective and find the good in the situation. <br />
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Which brings me to what I really wanted to say which is that complaining, criticizing, finding the worse in the world around you, is always a CHOICE. We can choose every single time to see the bad in a situation or to find the silver lining. Also, haven't you noticed that when we complain about something, while it may feel good at the time, it does absolutely nothing to solve the problem or better the situation? In her later writing Laura Ingalls Wilder says (and I'm paraphrasing here) "If you have a headache, don't complain about the headache. You will find that it will go away sooner if you think pleasant thoughts instead." True physically, but also metaphorically as well.<br />
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I also love the story of when Dolly Parton was shooting the movie <i>Steel Magnolias</i>. The story goes that they were shooting an outdoor winter scene so all of the actresses were bundled up in wool sweaters and coats. The actual temperature that day was sweltering so while they were waiting for lights to be adjusted and cameras to be set, everyone was sweating and complaining about how terribly hot and uncomfortable they were. All except for Dolly Parton. Apparently she was happily winging on a nearby tree swing, singing to herself and patiently waiting for the scene to begin. Some of the women went over to her and said, "What are you doing? Aren't you hot? Do you feel how horrible this is?" And Dolly responded, still swinging along, "All my life I've wanted to be a major movie star and I ain't about to complain about what comes with it."<br />
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Don't you just LOVE that?! What an amazing lesson about making choices in trying times. For every bad thing that happens, and for every good thing too for that matter, our attitude toward them depends completely on how we choose to look at it. <br />
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So I am writing down this New Year's resolution for myself: Don't complain. I'm going to channel Laura Ingalls Wilder, and her mother Caroline, and Dolly Parton, and remember to always see the bright side of every situation. Even if I can't see a bright side, I'm going to CHOOSE to NOT spread misery and derision or anything other than light and joy out into the world. I'm going to write it down and put it where I can see it so I can focus on it, remember it, and if necessary, let the guilt of not doing it (if that happens) to guide me back toward doing it every day. <br />
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How about you? Do you want to be a Tigger or an Eeyore? How do you want to spend your new year that's filled with possibilities and opportunities for either?<br />
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In the words of the character I'm choosing; "Well, I gotta go now. I've gotta lotta bouncin' to do! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! T-T-F-N, ta-ta for now!" - <i>Tigger</i>Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-73979217809789192932017-11-04T06:56:00.001-07:002017-11-04T06:56:35.948-07:00Oh ye'll tak' the high road and I'll tak' the low road......and I'll be in Scotland 'afore ye. (Now I have that song going through my head...)<br />
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Well the low road may work better for getting oneself to Scotland but it doesn't work so well in real life situations. <br />
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Although sometimes I sure wish it did.<br />
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Yesterday I got an email from a person I worked with, off and on, many years ago. I had created something and he needed a copy of it right away. I mean, right away, like it was an emergency of sorts. Under normal circumstances my response would have been "Sure, no problem, let me get right on that to help you out."<br />
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This time however, I paused before saying that and getting right on it.<br />
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Why?<br />
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Because this man is mean. M.E.A.N. And his wife, whom I'd also had the displeasure of working with, is also a nasty, petty, rude, and all-around disrespectful person, who had degraded and insulted me to my face, in front of others, many many times. They both sabotaged my work and even now as I think about them, the visceral reaction inside my stomach is nausea and revulsion. <br />
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And here the guy was, desperately asking for my help. And I had a choice. I could take the high road and help him out, or I could take the low road and give him a taste of his own medicine.<br />
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Between you and me, I sure wanted to take that low road. And let me just say here that I would have been <i>completely</i> justified to take said so-low-it's-underground road. I had no obligation or responsibility to help this person, who by the way, had actually made me cry on several occasions. I could have ignored the email claiming to myself and the universe that it's my old email that I only check a few times week anyway (which is true, I just happened to have checked it a few hours after he contacted me). I could have ignored the email simply because of the horrible way he and his wife treated me repeatedly. If I really wanted to take the lowest road possible I could have answered the email by telling him that I couldn't help him out and he was up a creek, while laughing sinisterly to myself saying, "See? What goes around comes around jerk! I now have the power to make you miserable! Ha ha ha ha!" I could have run this scenario by anyone who knows these people and our backstory and I believe that every single one of them would have said, "Why would you even consider helping this guy? He was so mean to you, his wife was so mean to you, let them feel what bad karma feels like for once." There was a certain degree of satisfaction that I felt in that moment, knowing that the tables were turned, and that <b><u>I</u></b> had the power to make this guy suffer...or at least be inconvenienced while he floundered around, figuring out a last minute Plan B.<br />
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So what did I do? (drum roll please....)<br />
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Sigh.<br />
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I took the high road. <br />
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I can't tell you how much I didn't want to! But the truth is, as soon as I read his email I didn't hesitate. I found what he needed right away, it took about 3 minutes of my time, and I sent it to him with a nice, cheery, "Glad to help, don't hesitate to get in touch if you need anything else" message.<br />
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Why the heck did I do this when I had every justification to not to?<br />
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Because I had the opportunity to create a world where people don't hold grudges. Because I had the chance in that moment to craft a microcosm where people help each other in spite of past hurts and transgressions. Because the only person I can control is myself and I want to hold myself to the standard of treating others the way I want to be treated regardless of how they may have treated me. And very simply, I helped this guy out because it was the right thing to do. Period.<br />
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How often do we let our emotions and bad feelings get in the way of us doing what's right? How many times have we allowed the pleasure of the "dark side" to overtake the difficulty of staying in the light? It is usually so much easier to, in the words of Darth Vader, be seduced by the overwhelming power of taking the low road or the path of least resistance; especially in times like these, when everyone around us seems to be very happily skipping down that low road with no apparent negative consequences. <br />
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But ultimately what is more important? Getting to have our moment of nefarious retribution, gleefully rubbing our hands together and twirling our villainous mustaches? Or helping out another human being in his or her time of need, and choosing grace that we would appreciate being extended to our own selves regardless of our past mistakes?<br />
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(As an aside here, I'm not saying all of this to show off what a great person I am. Believe you me, throughout the entire time I was looking for the thing the guy needed, and for a good ten minutes afterward, I went off on a rant that would have made Dennis Miller proud. My heart may have been in the right place but I was letting everyone around me know chapter and verse what these people did to me and how I had every right to take that all-too-enviable low road in this situation.)<br />
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The truth is, at the end of every day, I have to be able to lie my head down on my pillow and know that I did the best I could. I have to be able to say to myself that I lived that day to the best of my ability, and made personal decisions that honored my own values and standards. That's all we all can do. Had I not helped this person it definitely would have felt "good," but not the kind of good that you feel deep down in your bones when you know that you've done the right thing. Especially when it was so much more difficult than doing the wrong thing. <br />
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So unless you're going to Scotland, my advice to you is to always, always, <i>always</i> take the high road. In the words of Wayne Dyer, "How others treat you is their karma. How you react is yours."<br />
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<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-41880530609987507892017-10-26T08:56:00.003-07:002017-10-26T08:56:30.970-07:00Dance It OutMan was I upset today. And yesterday. And the day before. I'm in a situation where I am being continually frustrated and disappointed by people that I am depending on to help me and for a variety of reasons things aren't going as expected. This is on the heels of a situation a few days ago where there were other difficult and discouraging things going on. My mind and spirit have been taking a beating and today was what felt like the last straw. <br />
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So there I was, crying, balling my hands into fists, and seriously considering banging my head against the nearest wall, when it was time for one of the funny segments I listen to on the radio in the mornings. I put it on, listened to the segment with half an ear, and then when it ended I was ready to find the wall on which to bang my head. At that moment, one of my all-time favorite songs came on. "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon. At the same moment, the words of Shonda Rhimes and Grey's Anatomy came to me. Dance it out. <br />
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I turned up the radio, moved away from the open windows, and had a three minute dance party with myself. <br />
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I flailed my arms, I shook my hips, I spun around, and my rhythmic jumping would have put any Jazzercise class to shame. I danced and danced for all I was worth and when the song was over I caught my breath and noticed how I was feeling.<br />
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Light and sparkly from head to toe. <br />
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My problems were still there, I still had a difficult email to send, the fact that my trust was broken multiple times still existed, but <b>I felt better</b> about it all. I was calmer, and therefore able to deal with the situation more rationally, I had some adrenaline flowing, which gave me a more positive outlook on things overall, and the feeling of my heart pumping and my limbs and body moving made me feel powerful and alive and like I could handle any difficulty that came my way...at least for the next half hour or so.<br />
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I learned something super important from this little exercise. Actually a few things:<br />
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1. When you're facing a difficult situation, allow yourself to take a break from it and gain some perspective. Watch a show that makes you laugh (my current personal favorite is Impractical Jokers), listen to music that you like, bake a loaf of bread, clean out a closet, do SOMETHING that will take you out of the situation and that will keep you from sinking down deeper into the hole you're halfway down already. Removing yourself from it, and focusing on something else, even for a few minutes, will help you to get a different outlook and hopefully even help you get your brain in the right mode to find a solution.<br />
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2. Do something physical! Be active! When James Taylor talked about overcoming his drug addiction he said that what he found to be most effective was to "sweat it out." Find an activity you enjoy doing and sweat out the anxiety and the stress and the feeling like you don't have control over the situation. This isn't "go work out so you can at least improve your looks." It's do something that will remind you that you have a body that works, that you're a strong, capable person, and it ultimately will give you an energy boost to conquer the problem that's facing you at the moment.<br />
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3. Dancing in particular can be very therapeutic. The act of moving your body to music invigorates the senses and allows a very specific instance of "letting go" to occur. You can also let go in this way through meditation or yoga or a spin class, but dancing - when you are allowing your body to move freely, the way it wants to, with no prescribed routine - is very freeing for the mind, body, and soul. There's something about moving one's corporal self through space and time that connects us to the Earth and the atmosphere around us, and it can be very spiritual experience that allows for an opening of our hearts to the possibilities previously unseen.<br />
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No matter how hard we try to control the world around us, bad things are going to happen. Things aren't going to go according to plan, people will disappoint us, and even through we try not to, we will sometimes take things personally and be hurt by them. What we CAN control however, is how we choose to deal with it when these inevitable things occur. We can lie down and take them and bemoan the state of our lives, or we can dance it out and figure out the next step to take to solve the problem at hand. Sometimes we forget we have that choice, but we always do. <br />
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"I am not a product of my circumstances, I am a product of my decisions." - Stephen Covey<br />
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Today I am deciding to dance it out! Care to join me?<br />
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<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-74490087037447150912017-10-02T16:18:00.004-07:002017-10-02T16:18:56.331-07:00What to do when the world is falling apart...I'm tired today. Tired of the tragedies that seem to be occurring daily. I woke up to the news of the mass shooting in Las Vegas. This on the heels of the hurricane devastation in Puerto Rico, just after the horrible aftermaths of the hurricanes in Texas and Florida. Meanwhile America is still fighting amongst themselves about the NFL national anthem protests, the healthcare bill, and the continued inanity of our current president's tweets and press conference statements. <div>
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This all comes less than two months after the unfathomable horror of white supremacist neo-Nazi rallies spewing hate and vitriol in otherwise peaceful towns and streets in the United States of America in 2017. Four months after a suicide bombing at a concert (whose attendees were largely children) in Manchester, UK. And the recent bomb scares across the country. So many of us are still dealing with the tragedies of the Aurora movie theater shooting, the Sandy Hook elementary school shooting, the Columbine school massacre and the many other senseless and heinous acts of terror that have plagued our nation in recent years. </div>
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It's so sad to think that we are becoming inured to these atrocities. It seems like since 9/11 we all say things like, "Here's another one," or "Pray for the victims of ______" as we go along our day like nothing happened. It can be very defeating and depressing to think that human beings are getting used to the idea of mass executions and the random slaughter of our fellow men and women. </div>
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I guess what we have to remember is, evil is not new. Evil has been a part of modern society, and I'm assuming primitive society as well. How many millions of innocent lives were targeted and lost over the 10,000 years or so that we know of human existence? Millions upon millions of non-military people - men, women and children have perished by command of tyrannical dictators like Mao Zedong, Pol Pot, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, the list goes on. We know that evil exists and but it certainly hits home when the deliberate annihilation of fellow Americans who were just out to have a good time at a concert, or spend a morning at school, or go to a movie is the top news story of the day. </div>
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So what do we do with our heavy thoughts and burdened thoughts? Well, first we should allow ourselves to have them. Resist the cynicism that so many people adopt in these times. It's hard not to just believe that the world is going to hell in a hand basket, I know. But we need to keep our hearts open and malleable and believing that good will ultimately win out in the end somehow. </div>
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Secondly, I think we need to focus on the good. Count our blessings. Hug our loved ones. Acknowledge the things we have to be grateful for and resolve to fill our thoughts with gratitude more and more each day. </div>
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Then, we need to make the choice to spread light into the darkness. So many people are pointing fingers, calling out blame, filling social media feeds with acidic words and blatant hatred. Don't be one of those people! People who do their best to keep the world divided into "us" and "them." People who relish cutting others down in order to build themselves up. People who criticize and belittle and judge and discriminate against others because that's how they try to make their own miserable lives bearable. Make the choice to speak kindly, act courteously, show compassion and tolerance toward other human beings regardless of the color of their skin, the religion they practice, their customs, core beliefs, hairstyles and wardrobes. Make the choice every day to find the good in others, to seekthe similarities between us, and to remember the fact that that not one of us will make it out of this world alive. </div>
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"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King Jr.</div>
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What to do when the world is falling apart? Love one another. To the best of your ability, in as many ways that you can. Love is the answer, and it does indeed conquer all. </div>
Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-12018716331085398992017-09-30T16:23:00.003-07:002017-10-01T07:06:14.925-07:00When the world throws you a curve ball......swing for the fences. <br />
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I just had my "the way things work in the world" sensibilities questioned in an odd way, but it made me realize just how off my sensibilities actually are, and have been for, as it turns out, my whole life. <br />
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The world just found out that Julia Louis-Dreyfus has breast cancer. Do you know what my first thought was? She can't have breast cancer, she eats cleanly and works out, she's super thin and healthy, she can't possibly have breast cancer! As if those reasons give <i>anyone</i> a bona fide pass against rapacious diseases like cancer, Alzheimers, ALS, etc. <br />
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Immediately I realized the inanity of my thinking, which also made me realize, as embarrassing as it is for me to admit, that up until that point I completely subscribed to and wholly believed the adage, "You can never be too rich or too thin." Now if you asked me to my face I would absolutely deny that I am so shallow as to endorse such a ridiculous and superficially-focused motto. And when I look into my heart I honestly don't. <br />
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But...<br />
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But as much as I cringe to say it, there is some part of me somewhere that does believe that. <br />
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Why?<br />
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Because that is what has been drilled into me since birth. That was what I grew up with in my "Whose house is bigger? Who drives the most expensive car? Who has really let herself go? Who has had plastic surgery? Who went on the most luxurious vacation? Who is wearing the good designer jeans? Thinness=Beauty=Worthiness, and everything-that's-important-comes-from-the-external" town. Those criteria of worth have been reinforced multiple times daily for almost five decades since then through magazines, television, movies, and most recently social media. The successful ones, the powerful ones, the untouchable ones are thin and rich, and unless we live up to those standards we don't have any hope.<br />
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Except that they're not untouchable. That's what rocked my world. I somehow thought that the rich and thin, and therefore ultimately lucky and successful people couldn't have anything bad happen to them because they had achieved those two "ideals" in life. Yes, I realize how phenomenally absurd this thinking is and I'm honestly surprised that these feelings came up in me recently. But I also realized that this examination of old habits and feelings is what needs to happen if we want to grow and evolve as strong, empowered, healthy, and enlightened people. The only way to get rid of the old stuff that doesn't serve us as we are now is to look at it to make sure we don't need it anymore.<br />
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So I'm looking at it. It turns out that the rich and thin people are just as infallible as the rest of us. Let's take a few examples:<br />
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Audrey Hepburn - very rich, extremely thin, died of appendiceal cancer at age 63.<br />
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Jane Fonda - very rich, extremely thin, and spent most of her life extolling fitness and a healthy lifestyle - diagnosed with breast cancer at age 72 (survived).<br />
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Joan Lunden - very rich, quite thin after creating a lifestyle brand promoting diet and exercise for weight loss - diagnosed with breast cancer at age 64 (survived).<br />
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Angelina Jolie - super rich, super thin, married to Brad Pitt, had a preventative double mastectomy and partial hysterectomy because she had such a high genetic probability of breast and ovarian cancers. And she and Brad got divorced.<br />
<br />
Olivia Newton-John - so rich, so thin, diagnosed with breast cancer at 43. Survived, but after 25 years the cancer has returned.<br />
<br />
It's not just cancer either.<br />
<br />
Grace Kelly - described as the most beautiful woman in the world. Royalty-level rich, very thin, died in a car crash at the age of 52.<br />
<br />
Princess Diana - described as the most beloved woman in the world. Also royalty-level rich, thin (thanks to her bulimia), died in a car crash at 36 years old.<br />
<br />
Natalie Wood - rich, thin, held in high esteem by so many people around the world, died in a mysterious drowning at the age of 43.<br />
<br />
Let's not forget about the men:<br />
<br />
Steve Jobs - very few men were richer than the thin Steve Jobs when he was 56 and died from pancreatic cancer.<br />
<br />
Michael Jackson - okay, he was richer than Steve Jobs, also super thin, and we all know that he died of a drug overdose at 50.<br />
<br />
Prince - also richer than Steve Jobs, also extremely thin, also died of a drug overdose, him at 57.<br />
<br />
The list of rich, thin people whose lives ended, or nearly ended, either from disease or from a sudden tragedy goes on and on and on. So does the list of rich and thin people who are lonely, unfulfilled, have terminally ill children, suffer in abusive marriages, battle mental illness, lose homes to fire or weather, and would often gladly trade their riches for something more meaningful in their lives. Being rich and thin protects you from absolutely nothing, despite what the world would have you believe. Those two qualifiers do not make a person any better, any stronger, any more powerful, any more successful, or <b>any more protected</b> than anyone else on the Earth.<br />
<br />
So what can we learn from this?<br />
<br />
A lot of things. Here are a few that come to mind:<br />
<br />
1. <b>Stop waiting until you are earning a certain amount of money or hit a certain goal weight to start living your life!!</b> I know people who are desperate to find someone with whom to share their lives but won't go on dating websites or try meeting anyone until they have lost a certain amount of weight. That is so foolish! The time to live is NOW, not to mention the fact that if the partner you want puts a higher premium on looks than on substance I think it's time to rethink your standards.<br />
<br />
2. <b>Stop waiting until you earn a certain amount of money or hit a certain goal weight to consider yourself successful, or beautiful, or strong, or empowered, or worthy of all of the good things that life has to offer!</b> Cancer and tragedies don't care what your bank account looks like or what the number is on the scale, <u><i>so neither should you</i></u>.<br />
<br />
3. When your time is up, it's up, no matter how much money you have or what the label on your jeans says. So stop spending so much time, effort, worry, and headspace over those things. They don't matter! If you want to have money because that will improve your quality of life, then by all means make money and save money and spend it as you see fit. But don't attach a monetary number to your own worth as a human being. If you want to lose weight to have more energy, to keep your organs and muscles healthy, and to be able to move about in your life the way you want to, then by all means, adopt healthy eating and exercise habits. But don't attach a weight number to your value as a person who exists, and is therefore meant to be here.<br />
<br />
Rich and thin people have insecurities and vulnerabilities, and are just as susceptible to the curve balls that life throws them as everyone else. There is absolutely no reason to revere them or worship them or honor them any more than any other person on the planet. The person you need to respect and applaud every minute of every day is<b> yourself</b>, regardless of the value of your stock portfolio or your dress size. <br />
<br />
Life is short. None of us is invulnerable. So I believe we should spend our time focusing on what makes us happy, what brings us joy and fulfillment, and stop focusing on other people's definitions of success and perfection. And, when the occasion arises for some long held beliefs to be questioned, question them. Always. You never know what you might learn for when the next curve ball comes your way.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><br /></b>
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<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-55217560077311576582017-09-15T08:05:00.004-07:002017-09-16T08:15:37.996-07:00The Blame Game"When you blame others, you give up your power to change." -Robert Anthony<br />
<br />
I recently had a former friend get in touch with me. She's going through her second divorce and wanted some support. Actually, what she wanted was massive amounts of sympathy, infinite reassurances and pats on the back, gifts of self-help books and inspirational posters, and as many "Let's-go-to-lunch-and-by-all-means-I'll-treat-you-while-I-listen-to-you-complain-again-about-how-horrible-your-life-is-and-what-a-victim-you-are" sessions as possible.<br />
<br />
Did I mention that I categorize this person as a <i>former</i> friend? There's a reason for that.<br />
<br />
While I believe it is vitally important for us to be there for each other in our times of need, when she told me that she was getting divorced for a second time, AND that she was losing the house, AND that her kids were hoping to live with the dad, AND that she couldn't believe this was happening to her AGAIN...I mentally looked at what I knew of her life and this is what came to my mind:<br />
<br />
"Are you sure it's always everybody else's fault?"<br />
<br />
Many years ago a trusted person said to me "The failure of a relationship is <i>always</i> 50/50." While I didn't believe it at the time, now that I think about it, that's a pretty spot on assessment. Not in the sense that a person didn't pull enough weight to try to make things work out, but maybe his or her 50% was getting into the relationship in the first place. Or maybe the 50% was not speaking up for what he or she needed but remaining meek and complacent and resentful instead. A person who perpetually plays the victim <u>always</u> makes everything 100% the other person's fault, but maybe it's time for that person to examine the possibility that he or she might have contributed to the situation. And how.<br />
<br />
(Now of course I'm not talking about abuse here - that falls into a different category in my opinion.)<br />
<br />
Let's take this person: No matter what happens to her, she never takes any blame or responsibility for consequences as a result of her behavior. Current facts: A pattern of problems holding down a lasting marital relationship, children who would rather live with their father, siblings who don't speak to her, and plenty of friends on Facebook but none that come to visit her or invite her for those lunch dates she so desperately craves. Previous facts: Years of serious credit card debt, an inability to hold down a permanent job for longer than about 6 months, a tendency toward hoarding followed by intense de-cluttering and cleaning, and then there was the airport incident. She once flew into a rage at the airport gate when she wasn't allowed onto the plane after the doors had been closed. Why did this happen? Because she left for the airport 45 minutes before her flight was supposed to take off despite repeated warnings otherwise and couldn't understand why everyone else wouldn't wait for her. To her it was clearly the airline's fault, not hers.<br />
<br />
Looking back even further, we can see how this repeated blame assigning is not new. She is a former model, who had had some success with print ads early in her career more than two decades ago. (How do we know this? Because she will tell you within moments of meeting her and regularly posts twenty-plus year old pictures of herself in her heyday.) So what happened? To hear her tell it, the modeling career went south because of her agent and her first husband. She couldn't hold down any other kind of job because she did not have any marketable or administrative/office skills. This lacking was the fault of her parents and her high school guidance counselor, who didn't encourage her to pursue anything else career-wise besides capitalizing on her looks. Not to mention that after all that she's sacrificed for her kids she can't understand why they hate her, and she is furious with the makeup company who was clearly out to ruin her life when they discontinued her favorite lipstick color. Somewhere along the line she came to believe that the world owed her everything she wanted and is continually perplexed when people and circumstances don't constantly bend to her every will and whim. <br />
<br />
So what can we learn from this person's experience and the choices she's made throughout her life thus far? Well, lesson number one is for me to stay as far away from this person as possible! And I advise you to do the same if you have any similar people in your life. <br />
<br />
But lesson number two is far more important. If you are dissatisfied with an important aspect of your life - a relationship, a job, a living situation - I would encourage you to take a good hard look at your contribution toward how things have gotten to where they are. Often times things happen for which we can take no responsibility; bad things happen in life and we have no control over those. But if you're unhappy, and this is incredibly hard to do; ask yourself honestly:<br />
<br />
What part did I play in me ending up where I am today?<br />
<br />
Did I keep my mouth shut and go along with a move to a new state without making my voice and opinion clearly known?<br />
<br />
Did I settle for partnering with someone who wasn't the best choice for me because in my mind "it was time?"<br />
<br />
Am I suffering daily in a job because I think I need to keep the big house and designer clothes so that society will hold me in high esteem, which is the most important factor to me in my life?<br />
<br />
Am I unable to maintain a relationship or hold down a fulfilling job because I always do something at some point to sabotage it? Because deep down I believe I don't deserve good things for myself?<br />
<br />
Am I carrying around extra weight as a protective layer to keep people from getting inside to get to know the real me?<br />
<br />
Do I feel like I'm always right and everyone else just doesn't understand me?<br />
<br />
If friends stop calling, if birthday cards stop coming, if I find myself alone on major holidays, is it because everyone else is mean and doesn't care about me or is it because I did something to offend them?<br />
<br />
Do I make every choice in my life based on what I believe other people will think of me?<br />
<br />
The truth is, each of us is responsible for the choices we make in our lives, regardless of how someone treated us or the advice we have been given. So many of us are stuck in blaming other people for how our lives turned out when the reality is that every single day we make thousands of choices that will affect how the next moment, day, week, month, or year will turn out. <b>The only</b> <b>person who is accountable for those choices is me or you, period.</b> And yes, we were treated unfairly, and yes, people were uncaring toward us, and yes, people didn't listen to what we had to say nor validated our feelings. But as much as we might want things to have been different in the past and no matter how much things SHOULD have been different and COULD have been different, they are, quite simply, not. Things are what they are, things happened as they did, and the sooner we take an honest look at how we were actually instrumental in the circumstances of our lives, the better we can deal with the consequences. Then ultimately, hopefully, this practice will help us to make better choices for ourselves in the future. <br />
<br />
"We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers - but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change. - Katharine Hepburn<br />
<br />
Whenever you're looking for someone to blame, check the mirror first. <br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-3826455943076356692017-07-09T12:40:00.001-07:002017-07-09T12:40:41.270-07:00Keep a smile on your face......it's the best accessory you can wear. - Unknown.<br />
<br />
Why is it that when I'm dressed nicely, my hair is done, and I have makeup on, I never run into anybody I know? And why is it that last night, as I was running out to pick up dinner for my daughter and me, and it was late, I hadn't showered, and my couture could best be described as "Early Cleaning Out The Garage" I bump into people I haven't seen in 2 years?!<br />
<br />
Always.<br />
<br />
I was seriously running into this little Mexican place when I hear my name being shouted from across the street. I instinctively turned around and here was this family, whom I really enjoy when we get to see them (once every 2 or 3 years) but I couldn't help thinking "Seriously? NOW? Just yesterday I was at least a bit put together."<br />
<br />
As we came toward each other Tim Gunn's famous words ran through my head: "You should always present yourself the way you want to be viewed by the world." By this I think he means it's not that what you look like or what you wear means that's who you are, but if you want to be respected, dress in a way that people will respect you. There's also a quote from Coco Chanel that goes "I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little, if only out of politeness."<br />
<br />
Well I guess I wasn't feeling overly polite or concerned with how the world would see me when I ran out the door to pick up our tacos. Which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing. I know a woman who is so concerned with her looks that she does her 2 hour hair and makeup routine just to go to spin class, then afterwards has to shower and do the whole 2 hours again. That's not how I choose to spend my time.<br />
<br />
Anyway, back to the street. We met, we hugged, we exchanged, "Hi! It's SO good to see you! It's been so long"s, and then the dad of the family said, "You're looking good."<br />
<br />
I seriously stopped in my tracks. I looked at him like he was absolutely insane, then ran my hand through my hair, ducked my head a little and replied, "Wow, that's very nice of you to say, I haven't even showered today." To which he responded:<br />
<br />
"But you're wearing that smile. That smile is what we love to see."<br />
<br />
For second I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. It was like all of the years of me feeling badly about my looks and my weight and my clothing style came barreling in and collided with the reinforced steel door of what he said. The door held.<br />
<br />
What a concept. Could it be possible? That maybe it actually <i>doesn't</i> matter that I'm only 5'5.75" tall when I always wanted to be 5'8" so my weight would have been distributed more evenly. Maybe it actually <i>doesn't</i> matter that I wear a size large t-shirt when America and the rest of the world deems it only acceptable that I wear a small. Maybe it actually <i>doesn't</i> matter what I choose to cover my body with because it's just the outer shell of the soul that is encased within it, and maybe it's my soul that is important to protect and honor and cherish; AND most importantly, share with others. Maybe someone receiving a smile in their day which lifts their spirits is more important than the designer scarf tied on the neck just beneath it.<br />
<br />
Remember that song from the musical Annie:<br />
<br />
Hey Hobo Man, hey Dapper Dan, you've both got your style<br />
But brother you're never fully dressed without a smile.<br />
Who cares what you're wearing from Main Street to Saville Row<br />
It's what you wear from ear to ear, and not from head to toe that matters.<br />
<br />
I'm thinking that if we want to make the world a better place as individuals, we need to focus less on what we're buying from the mall and more about what we give off onto others. I happen to agree with Tim Gunn about presenting yourself to the world respectfully and wearing what makes you feel beautiful and confident. But as you check the mirror before you head out into the world I would ask that you check for one important thing:<br />
<br />
Are you wearing your smile?Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-39755786019795720312017-07-08T09:47:00.000-07:002017-07-08T09:47:15.384-07:00Giving Your AllI had an honest-to-goodness life changing experience this morning. So much so that I'm actually grateful to the dog for waking me up at 4:30 a.m. (I wasn't at the time...)<br />
<br />
Because I had a few hours before the rest of the family was going to be up it was the perfect time to watch a movie that I had saved for just me. No one else wanted to watch it so I settled in as the sun was peeking over the horizon and started <i>Michael Jackson's This Is It.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Like every other person in the world who was a teenager in the 80s, Michael Jackson was an integral part of my overall coming-of-age experience. I remember seeing him first do the moonwalk on the Motown 25 special and the gatherings of friends for weeks afterwards figuring out how it was done and practicing on the kitchen linoleum. I remember my brother and I being overjoyed that we were asked to babysit on the night that the Thriller video premiered on MTv because that family had cable. I remember sitting on the bed in my friends room as we took turns re-enacting the dances from the Beat It, Billie Jean, and trying to discern what MJ was saying during the Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' breakdown part. We all loved him and felt like he was a part of us somehow. <br />
<br />
Anyway, I started watching this movie, which chronicles the rehearsals for what was to be Michael Jackson's 2009 London concert titled "This Is It." He died 18 days before the first concert date and most of the footage in the film is the rehearsals. It's a fascinating look at all of the many parts that have to come together flawlessly to put on such a spectacular and extravagant performance and I was left feeling the weight of the tragedy that a show of this magic and magnitude would never actually be seen. <br />
<br />
But that's not what struck me the most deeply. What caught my attention throughout the entire movie was that every single person involved in the production - the dancers, the singers, the musicians, the lighting crew, the stage crew, the sound guys, the special effects team - EVERYONE was performing his or her task at 100%. There was an electricity in the air that was almost palpable through the television screen. Everyone was working at their highest level, fulfilling their true potential, and it seemed as though each cog in the wheel was feeding off of every other person's exhilaration and enthusiasm. <br />
<br />
Of course every single member of the show crew was thrilled and honored to be working with Michael Jackson and Kenny Ortega (director of the concert as well as the ultimate film) but even so, I was amazed at how everyone was completely immersed in their tasks, fueled by the common goal of making a phenomenal, unique, transcendent form of art through music and dance. <br />
<br />
I was especially awed by the dancers. Not only were they highly skilled (and chosen specifically by Michael himself) but during each rehearsal that I saw, they were always performing at heightened show level. Often times while practicing people will do the steps without facial expressions or emotions. Or musicians will play the songs as written but save their improvisations and energy for the performance, or dress rehearsal. But all of the performers were working HARD, holding nothing back, sweating and fighting for breath at times, as if the audience was filled with thousands of screaming fans, instead of a few crew members scattered around on the stadium floor. I've never seen anything like it. <br />
<br />
Now, it was made very clear in the film that MJ always gave his 100% and more in everything he did and he even made a speech about asking everyone to continue giving him their ALL as the rehearsals led up to the show. This was the expectation and everyone rose up to what he demanded. But this got me thinking a few things...<br />
<br />
I thought about why I have often felt exhilarated after seeing a live performance, especially of something musical. I remembered being taken (reluctantly) to see The Lion King on stage and when it was over I literally had the feeling in me that I wanted to be a better person. The show truly touched me to my core and made me want to excel more in my life. I have had similar feelings after seeing other Broadway shows as well as live musical performances. I believe that this is the true purpose of art - to awaken something inside of ourselves that stirs up creativity and the desire to make something more of ourselves. I know people can get this from experiencing visual art and reading exceptional writing as well. This is the magic of live performance, when everyone is focused on the same goal of uplifting and transporting an audience while they are passively sitting in the dark.<br />
<br />
It also makes clear why there have been times when I have NOT had those transformative emotions kindled within me. A few of these come to mind: I saw an opera singer perform a live one-woman show (not an opera with a libretto - her show was a collection of songs she chose) once and while her voice was lovely, there was no emotion behind the performance. She simply sang song after song, with excellent diction, good intonation, well choreographed hand motions...but the whole thing left me feeling kind of empty inside. It didn't inspire anything - it was almost like witnessing something happening two-dimensionally. It was technically fine, but there was nothing energizing or galvanizing about it. <br />
<br />
I also remember seeing a fantastic Broadway show with the original cast. It was toward the end of most of the leading players' run, it was a matinee, and everyone just seemed tired and lackluster. I don't blame them - it is incredibly difficult to sing, dance, act, change costumes, remember lines, remember blocking, keep in synch, and do your best performance at absolutely full capacity 8 times a week. Believe me, I get how hard that is. And although I enjoyed the show, I noticed that I did not feel the same euphoria and spark within me when it was over. The performers were "calling it in." Which honestly is probably fine for most of the show attendees. But it wasn't for me.<br />
<br />
The same goes for when you see professional athletes not performing up to their full potential in a game. It's also why when these competitors DO give it their utmost all, the stadium comes alive and people cheer their hearts out for the full-on, leave-it-all-on-the field atmosphere that I believe we strive for at events like that. <br />
<br />
I myself am a performer and in the early part of my career I was always worried about something. Number one was usually was how I looked (which was always not good enough). I was also concerned with how I sounded, if the audience was going to like it, if the sound was going to work, if the show was going on too long, and even things beyond my control like he temperature of the venue, the well-being of my musicians, and whether or not we were going to be asked to perform our encore. I was consumed by all of these what-ifs and those never really allowed me to be fully present and enjoy the splendor of what was being created spontaneously in those moments of time and space. I was never fully comfortable, never truly giving it my all, and I'm sure it showed in my performances. I doubt the audience ever had any inkling, especially because they all seemed to be having a rollicking good time, but my incredibly perceptive and loving husband would tell me afterwards, "I could tell when you let go and started enjoying yourself." I would always be like, "Really?" And he would answer, "Yeah, it was at this point (and he would tell me where, which was usually about halfway through the third to last song) when I you finally relaxed and became part of the music." <br />
<br />
Amazing. <br />
<br />
I saw this "becoming part of the art you are creating" while watching the dancers and musicians backing up Michael Jackson in this movie. There was no worrying about if the steps were right or if they were playing the right notes. It was all about being in the exact moment, feeling the here and now and being a full part of it, even in rehearsal. No one was phoning anything in, all of their energy was focused on the present and the contribution they were making to build something <b>far greater than the sum of its parts. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I wonder if we can live our lives this way. Not just while we're performing, but in everything. When we're talking with our kids, can we be fully present with them, listening and paying attention at full capacity, rather than have our minds focused on the laundry we still have to do and the bills that need to be paid. While we're working on a document for work, can we devote our energies to that task only, pouring all of our efforts into it instead of stopping every few minutes to check email or answer texts. When we're doing anything that requires our attention - mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, cleaning the garage, cooking dinner, watching a movie, talking with friends, planning a family get-together, etc. etc. - what would happen if we did those things 100%, full-bore, and holding nothing back? Would we feel more satisfied? More fulfilled? More successful?<br />
<br />
I think so. And what if we approached our creative endeavors with the same concentrated energy and devotion? What incredible and innovative masterpieces could we create? What new goals could we accomplish? What new heights could we attain?<br />
<br />
I know that for me the times of being self-conscious and suppressed are over. Those dancers and performers showed me the beauty and magnificence of what can happen when a mind, body, and spirit can all come together to fully experience and inhabit limitless intentional energy and connection. They showed me that when you give 100% the mistakes don't matter. The wardrobe doesn't matter, the sound doesn't matter, and the end result doesn't even really matter. What matters is the doing and the accomplishing and the feeling that you couldn't have possibly given any more. <br />
<br />
"I would ask you to give me your all. This is the moment. This is it. God bless you." - Michael Jackson<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-1124515521813002762017-07-04T13:42:00.001-07:002017-07-04T13:42:09.967-07:00Consciously Seeking HopeI just heard an interviewer (okay, it was Oprah) ask a bunch of different people to answer this question:<br />
<br />
"I feel the presence of God when..."<br />
<br />
Now I know that some people get freaked out by the word "God," so if that word doesn't resonate with then I would encourage you to substitute the words "the Universe" or "Higher Power," or "a Force At Work That's Bigger Than Myself," instead.<br />
<br />
OR, how about if we substitute the word "Hope."<br />
<br />
"I feel the presence of Hope when..."<br />
<br />
Here's my answer:<br />
<br />
1. At the ocean. Every time I stand at the water's edge and I see and hear the waves crashing against the sand I'm rejuvenated. I'm reminded that the ocean has been in existence for far far longer than I have been, and it will still be around for far far longer after I'm gone. That's not to make me feel insignificant, but more as a reminder that no matter what terrible things are going on in the world, the ocean is a constant. It has always been there, it will always be there, and we cannot control for one instant the rhythm of its motion. And no matter how many millions and millions of waves have come, there will always <i><u>always</u> </i>be more. Better times lie ahead. Hope.<br />
<br />
2. On a mountaintop. While I haven't been on many actual mountaintops, I have climbed up to a few, and the view of the vast land that lies beneath is miraculous and always instills me with inspiration. Like in Dead Poets Society, when he encourages the students to stand on the desks to get a different perspective on the world, there's something about being high up in nature that allows us to see things with a new frame of reference. I'll never forget the view from the top of a mountain on Kauai where we could actually see the curvature of the Earth as the horizon. Seeing that made me feel small, but also filled me with the hope that anything was possible. <br />
<br />
3. Holding an infant or seeing very young children play. Whenever I have the opportunity to hold a baby I take it eagerly. Getting to see and hear and feel and smell this brand new life always reminds me that there is hope. I feel like if there wasn't any hope, new people wouldn't continually be being brought into the world. Also, when I see toddlers play I can see the beauty and simplicity of their innocence combined with their wonder in the world around them. My son did a service project with a group of young children a few years ago and while watching them run around gleefully the thought came into my mind, "The world is going to be all right." Little kids being free and comfortable interacting with the space around them stirs hope inside of me.<br />
<br />
4. Collective joy/purpose. The best way I can explain this is when everyone at football game or baseball game in a huge stadium stands, removes their hats, and sings the national anthem together. The people around you might have different political views, religious views, ways of thinking, etc. But for those two or three minutes we are all proud Americans and we all stand together in unification. I have often taken my own moment to realize the exquisiteness of those unique capsules of time and space. I feel the same way when seeing people cheer together at local sporting events, at the Olympic opening ceremonies, on the sidelines of charity races, and when people gather for parades. There's something about human kind coming together to celebrate something that they all have in common, rather than everyone focusing on their differences. They're very hope-inducing for me.<br />
<br />
5. Seeing a sunrise. I've seen many sunrises in my life and for me, each one is magical. The colors are always magnificent, and the tangible(ish) reminder of a new day dawning always sparks hope within me. It's like the quote from Charles Schulz that says, "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia." Hope.<br />
<br />
6. Laughing together with my family. There have been times, usually when watching RiffTrax together, that all 4 of us have been doubled over laughing in our basement in our respective seats on the couch, recliner, and giant beanbag. The times when we have to pause the show because we're all laughing so hard that we can't hear what's coming next are miraculous experiences for me. I have taken time to step back for split second to enjoy the preciousness of these times and they are honestly the moments in my life that I treasure the most.<br />
<br />
I'll stop there because the point of what I want to say isn't about me going on and on about where I find hope in the world. The main thing that I'm trying to express is that it's extremely important to figure out what concrete things bring us the most hope, so that if we encounter times of hopelessness, <b>we can consciously seek out experiences that will trigger hope within us. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
For example, if you're in a rough patch and have misplaced your hope, what can you actively do to find it? If you're with me on the collective joy thing, then buy a ticket to the next baseball game in town and GO! Major league, minor league, little league (those are free), doesn't matter, just get up, get out and DO IT! Or soccer or lacrosse or football or a charity bike ride. You will be inspired by the collective happiness and exuberance that's in the air at those events and you'll most likely have your spirits lifted by cheering with other people who share a common goal.<br />
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If holding babies gives you hope then volunteer at your local hospital, orphanage, or place of worship. They are often looking for caring individuals to hold infants and give them the loving touch they need so desperately to thrive.<br />
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If seeing a sunrise gets your hopeful juices flowing then set your alarm for earlier, go outside where you can see the sky well, and take in the beauty and majesty of the beginning of a glorious new day. What it can inspire in you is well worth the missed hour or so of sleep.<br />
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If oceans and/or mountaintops inspire hope in you then GO TO THEM! They can't come to you so it's good that you will have to get up from the comfort of your misery and actually go and seek them out. Breathe in the salty air of the sea or the fresh clean mountain air. That alone will do wonders for your soul and spirit. <br />
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Whatever you figure out works for you, GO AND DO IT! Then part two is doing something to help you remember it, so that if you can't get up on the mountaintop when you might need to, you will have created something to help activate the memory. Creating something usually generates hope in a person, combined with the feeling of having accomplished something. So when you get back from your hike up the mountain, paint a picture of it so you can remember the feeling. On your return from the ocean make a collage out of sand and shells that you picked up there. If you knit or sew, create a blanket or hat for the baby you just held and bring it the next time you go. Make a photo book of pictures you took at the sporting event or marathon you attended. After taking in the experience it's so helpful to <i>create something</i> to bring back the connection to the hopeful feelings you had when you were there. <br />
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One last thing: when you're in the experience, I would encourage you to REALLY be in it. Experience it as fully as you can, engaging all 5 of your senses. I'll use the ocean as an example:<br />
<br />
1. Look at the waves. What color are they? How do they compare to the color of the still part? Examine how they foam and then dissolve away. How clear is the water? What can you see at the bottom?<br />
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2. Listen to the rumble and crash of each wave as it builds, crests, and releases. Close your eyes and really listen to everything there is to hear. Is there a rhythm to the sounds or are they random? Can you hear birds chirping? Was that a boat horn? Are there kids laughing nearby?<br />
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3. Feel the sand beneath your feet. Squish the wet sand in your toes and allow them to be washed clean by the water. Feel how cold or warm the water is. Close your eyes and focus on the sensation of the water lapping against your ankles. Put your hands in and feel how the water caresses them and cools them off.<br />
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4. Smell the air around you - again, close your eyes. Can you smell the brininess of the seaweed? Can you smell the salt in the air? Are there food smells from vendors nearby? Breathe in deeply from your nose and smell everything.<br />
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5. Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and taste the air. Is there salt in the air to taste? Scoop up some water, taste it, and reflect on how salty it is. Is it as salty as the last ocean water you tasted?<br />
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You can do the same on the top of a mountain (some leaves and flowers are interesting to taste, just make sure they are safe first), while holding a baby (I wouldn't do any tasting there but nothing smells quite as good as a fresh baby head), and there are certainly lots of ways to use all of your senses at a ball park. The idea is to immerse yourself fully in the experience so you can get the absolute most out of it that you can. Simply put, if if you're looking for hope, don't just look with your eyes.<br />
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Hope is all around us. If you feel like you can't find it right now then I encourage you to seek it out. Make it a <u><i>conscious effort</i></u> to bring hope to yourself when it's not coming on its own. And above all:<br />
<br />
"Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future." - Robert H. Schuller<br />
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Amen.Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-63645621835408213972017-07-02T07:21:00.002-07:002017-07-02T07:21:47.522-07:00NightmaresThe mind is a powerful thing.<br />
<br />
Extremely powerful.<br />
<br />
Staggeringly so at times.<br />
<br />
I just woke up from a horrible nightmare. I was me as I am now, but for some reason I was in college. I was sitting in a large lecture hall, everyone around me was smiling and laughing, and then the professor came in and sure enough, asked cheerfully if everyone was ready for the test today. Everyone laughed and started getting out their pencils and notebooks (it was clearly college from my day because no one took out a laptop) and while I started looking around the classroom wildly in confusion. What?!! A test today?! I didn't know there was a test today! What happened? Everyone else in the class was calm and prepared and completely in control. The professor then made a joke about the practice quiz from the previous class, which I realized I had missed, and the whole class erupted in laughter while I was covered in a blanket of shame. How did this happen? I asked myself. As the tests began to be passed out my shame quickly turned to panic, as I realized that this was the first of this class I had even attended and I didn't even have the textbook yet. My heart started pounding as the panic turned to real unadulterated fear. <br />
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My mind skipped ahead to the next class, but in the same room and I was in the same seat. This professor greeted everyone kindly and then asked us all to pull out our homework. He put a copy of it up on the screen (yes, it was an overhead projector) and everyone began to take out their beautifully completed papers. It was a table type chart that was to be filled out based on three chapters of reading and these papers were <i>covered</i> with writing. I mean covered like it had taken hours to complete. Of course, I had nothing to show for myself. The shame returned. I hadn't even known about the assignment! It was right about now that I realized I had a plane to catch in less than 2 hours and unless I left the class immediately I wasn't going to make it. It was the only flight possible and my husband and kids were waiting to pick me up. My hands were shaking as I pulled out my phone to text my husband. My phone didn't work!! No matter what I tried the screen just kept jumping around and I couldn't make a call or send a text or use it in any way. Now I couldn't breathe, an honest-to-goodness panic attack was beginning, and the frustration, shame, fear, and intense, overwhelming feeling of being out of control closed in on me and I felt like I would drown under the enormity of it all. <br />
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I woke up trying desperately to catch my breath with my heart hammering fiercely in my chest. It took me a good five minutes or so to get my heart rate and breathing back to normal. The headache (most likely from the blood pressure spike) is still lingering and I feel exhausted despite the 7 hours of sleep I've just had. <br />
<br />
So why am I telling you all of this?<br />
<br />
Because as I was trying fitfully to bring myself back to reality upon awakening, I realized that all of the feelings I was having while I was asleep were <b>real</b>. I was experiencing real fear and real shame and categorically real frustration and panic. My body was reacting as though I was awake and actually going through these scary and upsetting experiences. Which means that, as I have said many times before, the mind is a very powerful thing and we need to be aware of that as we go about our daily lives. <br />
<br />
We are our thoughts, and if we think that certain things are true - about ourselves, about other people, about our circumstances - then they really ARE TRUE to us and our perceptions. Even if in reality they are false, if we think them then they are true to us and we make decision every day based on what our own truths are. <br />
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For example, if our minds tell us that we are ugly, stupid, no-good, and that we'll never amount to anything, then that becomes our absolute truth. It doesn't matter if others see us differently or if we actually have the potential to do great things. (Which of course we ALL do.) Our minds keep us trapped in the prisons of what we were taught to believe and unless we wake up and see that our truth is not reality, we'll be trapped within these cells of our own making forever.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately I've been plagued with nightmares my whole life. I've woken up countless times screaming, crying, howling, and sometimes kicking, as a result of the terrifying nature of these uncontrollable dreams. In adulthood my (incredibly caring and never-once-complaining-about-being-awakened-so-violently) husband has always reassured me with the words, "It's just a dream, it's just a dream, it's not real, it's just a dream." And while this is obviously true, what I realized today is that according to my mind and body, I actually experienced the things in the dream and my reactions are as real as if they all actually happened. <br />
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How does one stop the disturbing musings of the subconscious mind? I have no idea. (I WISH I did!) But I do know that today I need to be a little extra kinder to myself, and maybe even begin to examine why such strong feelings of shame, fear, and being out of control reared their awful heads to me as the sun was coming up and a beautiful new day was about to begin. <br />
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Last thing: I just want to say here that mental illness is 100% real and needs to be dealt with out in the open and without even one iota of shame. I have known many people who struggle with mental illness and the stigma of it in this country needs to be lifted once and for all. It's no different from a physical illness because <b>it IS a physical illness. </b>It distorts the brain's chemicals the same way that leukemia harms blood cells and diabetes messes with blood sugar. A person living with mental illness is experiencing emotions and reactions based on stresses in his or her mind that are absolutely real to them, as if they were actually happening, even if they are not. Their minds are essentially in wheelchairs, and they need and deserve our empathy, our kindness, and our compassion, even if we can't understand or relate to what they are going through. <br />
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"Post traumatic stress disorder starts out with nightmares, flashbacks and actually reliving the event. And this happens over and over and over and over in your mind. If you let it go on, it can become chronic and become hard if not impossible to treat." - Dale Archer<br />
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If you think it, you believe it. If your mind does it, it's real. So make a conscious effort to fill your mind with beauty, positivity, light, optimism, and faith. It may not stop the nightmares, but it may make them have to fight harder to break through to the surface.<br />
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<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-55030110230452602572017-06-30T18:55:00.003-07:002017-06-30T18:55:48.471-07:00A lesson from a life cut short too soon. I wasn't planning on writing today, but something happened that I needed to share. <br />
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Lately I've been on a kick of letting people from my past know that their actions affected me in a positive way. I've reached out to a former teacher, a camp counselor, and some co-workers from a long time ago to let them know how their encouragement and kind words really helped me at an integral times in my life. It occurred to me that many of these people had no idea of the profound effect they had in my life and I realized that if I had helped someone out in this way I certainly would want to know. <br />
<br />
So I reached out to someone recently and today I received a letter back. I can honestly say that it is one of the most tragic things I have ever read in my life and it really shook me out of whatever state I was in and brought each moment since into extremely sharp focus. To explain:<br />
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Thirty-three years ago I was 14 and had a huge crush on a somewhat well-known actor. His name was Timothy Patrick Murphy. Do you remember him? He had a few small roles on some nighttime dramas in the 80s, including Dallas, and I was a huge fan. Take a look at this picture and you'll see<br />
why:<br />
<br />
:<img height="320" src="blob:https://www.blogger.com/20391a84-5eeb-4edc-92bf-3b327a5a345a" width="240" /><br />
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Pretty cute, huh? <br />
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Anyway, every summer my mom used to take us kids to a taping of the local entertainment show called AM Philadelphia. We used to love going and seeing all of the behind the scenes activity that went on and watching the hosts and celebrities joke around during the commercial breaks. Well that summer we went to a show and while I cannot remember who was the guest that day, they did a promo for the following day's show and guess who was going to be on?! My favorite favorite actor crush Timothy Patrick Murphy himself!! I got extraordinarily excited, immediately turned to my mother and asked, "Can we pleeeease come back tomorrow to see him? I LOVE HIM!!!" God bless my wonderful mother she agreed and I was over the moon with excitement. <br />
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The next day we got up bright and early again and headed downtown for the taping. To our surprise there was a huge line outside the studio. We had never seen this kind of thing before and I couldn't imagine that all of these people were there to see my favorite not-so-well-known actor guy. Well, it turned out that they were all in line to see a little local band called "The Hooters" who were big in Philadelphia and who were about to explode both nationally and internationally within the year. Kudos to my mother again, who went up to the person manning the door and let him know unequivocally that we knew one of the producers of the show, which was true! The bouncer guy went and got the guy we knew, he ushered us past the throngs of fans to our very own special seats in the audience, where we sat expectantly for the show to begin.<br />
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As we sat there I was going on and on about how excited I was to see my all-time favorite actor, and after a few minutes of that teenage girl blathering the woman in front of us turned around to say, "Are you a fan of Timothy Patrick Murphy?" I have no idea what I responded back but you can be sure that there was plenty of gushing involved. She listened and smiled and nodded and when I was finished she said, "Oh that's wonderful, I'm his mother." Again I launched into how much I adored him, how I had seen everything he was in and how I was no doubt his biggest fan. She kept smiling and then asked me to write down my address and she'd send me some pictures. <br />
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Needless to say I was overjoyed at this as I scribbled my address down on the card from my mother's tissue packet. I assumed she was just being nice and didn't expect it to go any further than that. I actually completely forgot about it after returning home from the show, where along with my crush I got to see The Hooters perform their original version (and far better in my opinion than the one they released for the radio) of "All You Zombies" and "Fightin' on the Same Side.<br />
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(P.S. From that moment on, and to this day, I am a huge fan of The Hooters.)<br />
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Anyway, after seeing TPM do his segment, where he was charming and gentlemanly and even pointed out his mother in the audience, we went home, where I'm guessing I was glowing for days after that fun and exciting experience.<br />
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To my amazement, about three weeks later I got a package in the mail. It contained several autographed photos - one specifically autographed to me, see above - and a lovely note from TPM's mother, saying how nice it was to meet me and that she just had to send me some photos because I was so sweet. <br />
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WOW!!!!!! What a tremendous moment in my otherwise angst-filled teenaged life!!<br />
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The personalized photo was immediately framed and hung on my bedroom wall. I subsequently took it to college with me and it has been in every home I have lived in since. I also still have the other photos and the note, and they have been a wonderful reminder through the years of the kindness of others and that unexpected joys are possible. <br />
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Four years later my beloved TPM passed away at the age of 29. I couldn't believe it at first - he was so young and in good shape and enjoying success living out his dream of being a working actor. I couldn't help but think that he could have become more famous had he had more time.<br />
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Years passed and often I would think about his short life and how incredibly kind his mother had been to me. She didn't have to do what she did and it was such a supremely generous act of kindness. I have never forgotten it (especially since that particular time in my life was rife with stress, anxiety, and often crippling self-doubt) and all of these years later I thought that I would send her a note to let her know how much her consideration and benevolence meant to me.<br />
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I started searching for her online, remembering her name and the town in which she had lived, and in my searching I found out some horrible news. Not only did she lose her first son at 29, but she also lost another son, Patrick Sean Murphy at the age of 36 in the September 11th attacks. <br />
<br />
Unbelievable. How does a mother deal with the sudden deaths of 2 sons? 2?!<br />
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Anyway, I wrote her a note, expressing my thanks for her kindness, letting her know how much it meant to me all those years ago, and also letting her know how fondly I remembered her first-born even to this day. I offered her my condolences on the loss of her other son and suggested that she had 2 very special angels watching over her in her life. <br />
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I did not expect to hear back from her but felt glad that I could at least articulate my gratitude toward her all of these years later. You can imagine how thrilled and amazed I was to find a letter from her address in my mailbox today! <br />
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I opened it carefully and started reading. It was from her husband Thomas, whom I had not met, and he thanked me profusely for my letter, so appreciative that his sons were being remembered across the country from someone he had never even known. Yay!<br />
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My initial glee stopped there. He went on to tell me that his wife was currently wheelchair-bound, suffering from dementia, and was unable to understand my letter but that he gladly shared it among other family members. He then let me know that in addition to losing both of his sons, his remaining son Sam was in the final stages of ALS. <br />
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WHAT?!! Seriously?! This was incomprehensible. I mean, how much heartache and pain can one family take? I began crying as I read the letter the second time, and kept on crying through the third and fourth times. I just can't seem to get my head around what this family has had to go through in their lives. I know there's no point in asking "why," there's just me shaking my head in disbelief and incredulity. I can only hope that I was able to bring a tiny bit of joy and light to even a moment of this man's day.<br />
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Receiving this letter threw into sharp relief how inconsequential and downright senseless my current little gripes and annoyances are. While I am by no means unhappy right now, there are some things lately that I've allowed to bug me and have cast a bit of a shadow over my daily goings on. This made me realize once again the impermanence of life and how very very important it is to go after the things that will fulfill us, to not go on waiting for another time to do so, and to appreciate all of life's blessings while we still have them. Simple stuff, but I clearly needed a reminder.<br />
<br />
Here's what I really wanted to share; the point of all of this rambling:<br />
<br />
1. Enjoy your life. Period. Forget about your little annoyances and troubles and focus on the big picture of what's going right in your life. Don't sweat the small stuff because it is indeed all small stuff.<br />
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2. Don't put off doing anything that you want to do. Just don't. Life is short, opportunities are to be grabbed when they happen and constructed when they are taking their time. <br />
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3. SAY THANK YOU TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED YOU! Expressing appreciation can go miles in improving someone's outlook. And if it takes some time and effort to track them down, DO IT! It's worth it for you, it's worth it for them, and it helps make the world a kinder and more civilized place.<br />
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4. Stop complaining. You think you have it tough? Take a look at the Murphy family and "kwitcherbellyakin."<br />
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Lastly, hug your loved ones, count your blessings, and appreciate all of the wonderful things that life has to offer. <br />
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"I love you and I don't want to lose you." - Timothy Patrick Murphy as Chip in "Glitter."<br />
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Dear Tim, we didn't want to lose you either.<br />
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<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-80754934247026017122017-06-29T16:12:00.001-07:002017-06-29T16:12:09.971-07:00Close the doorYou know how people always say to keep the doors open in case opportunity comes a-knockin'? I believe this 100%. People will also say things like "When one door closes, another opens." To this I say, "Hear hear!" It's always important to seek out open doors, and if they won't open of their own accord, we can feel free to do whatever it takes to open them ourselves. I believe that we should always look for the open doors in life because what lies behind them is often more wonderful and glorious than we could have imagined.<br />
<br />
Except. <br />
<br />
Except for when it's more beneficial and important to close the door. And by this I mean, when we're faced with a big decision, or when we're dealing with an issue in our lives, it can help immensely to close the door and go inside to feel and hear what our gut is saying. Outside the door there can be many well-meaning family members, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and even strangers, who will offer their unsolicited advice to "help" us in our times of indecision and need. And by well-meaning I mean serving their own interests and trying to get us to do what will benefit them the most. The things that these people tend to say can usually be classified as mean, nasty, selfish, self-serving, and cruel. In those cases we have every right to close the door on them and their uninvited comments. We can shut out the noise and the hubbub and look within for the answer. Our gut always knows best, we just need to be quiet and alone enough to hear it. <br />
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In one particular situation with regard to taking the next step in a relationship, I had to make a very important decision. Everyone, and I mean <i>everyone</i> had an opinion about what I should do. (And in some cases, what I simply <u>had</u> to do or else I would never be happy. These people felt that there really wasn't a choice involved at all.) I can remember very clearly standing in my apartment, looking at the front door which led directly to the outside. The door was closed and I was alone. I sat down, closed my eyes and pictured the closed door. I then pictured what it would be like with just me, living my life, here in my apartment, without anyone else's opinions or diatribes living here with me. It felt nice. Quiet. Peaceful. Content. Then I pictured having my boyfriend here in the apartment with me. <b>The front door is closed.</b> No well-meaning people are giving us their opinions on what we should be doing. He's sitting next to me on the couch with his arm around me. How did I feel? Elated. Exuberant. Overwhelmingly happy, along with Quiet, Peaceful, and Content. I realized in that moment that no matter what anyone else thought of me or told me about myself, THIS WAS MY LIFE, NOT THEIRS! And it wasn't until I consciously closed the door on all of them that I was able to truly realize that. <br />
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What does your life look like when the door to the outside is closed? How do you want to be spending your time? Whom do you want in there with you, if anyone?<br />
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This "closing the door on the outside world" concept applies to any decision, be it a business venture, a creative endeavor, or a personal lifestyle choice. As Steve Jobs famously said:<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Don't waste it living someone else's life. We all know in our hearts what we want to do, it's when we close the door on our own thoughts and feelings by putting stock to other people's opinions that we become shaky and indecisive. And who the heck are these people who are trying to influence us anyway? Do we trust their opinions? Are they worth our time to invest in what they are saying?<br />
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Truthfully, usually not. I spent time with a relative's coworker once when I was on a visit and this person did not know me nor my boyfriend (who became my husband, see above). This stranger to me had her very limited viewpoints of what was right and proper and acceptable in her world according to her terms. Anyone who strayed from those opinions was wrong and she wasted no time in telling me so. Why did she feel the need to do that? What difference did it make to her how I was living my life and who I was dating? We should have been completely inconsequential to her but she felt the overwhelming need to voice her disdain for us and our relationship. Luckily I chose not to take her comments to heart, and to this day I have no idea why she felt so strongly about putting us down. But I recently learned what happened to this woman: embroiled in a bitter divorce with 2 young kids, the second one brought about in a futile attempt to save the marriage. Her "perfect" world came crashing down around her and she got a new perspective on how things that she thought were a given actually weren't. A great example of how karma is real and doesn't discern.<br />
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All this to say, yes, by all means, go through every door that is opened to you. But don't be afraid to close the ones that are getting in your way. <br />
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<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-39748599400080775792017-06-29T14:45:00.001-07:002017-06-29T14:45:51.431-07:00Never dull your shine...for somebody else. Period. End of Sentence. <br />
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(or, Renounce the Dream Spitters Part II)<br />
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I first heard this phrase from Tyra Banks and I love it SO much! Everyone is born with a light inside of them and I believe that every person's true purpose is to shine that light into the world. Some of us choose to dull that shine and cover it over with mud or armor based on negative things we've heard from others. Many people feel that a person's light can be too bright, and is therefore threatening or intimidating to others and so in those other people's opinions, that light needs to be dimmed or hidden or concealed. But as much as we want to blame other people for dulling our shine, we ultimately do it to ourselves. No one truly has the power to darken our light except us.<br />
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This goes along with living in the present and letting go of the people in your life who do not raise you up and support you. When I've talked before about relinquishing relationships that no longer align with your current purpose in life I've been met with some backlash. "But we've been friends for 30 years!" They'll say. Or "What about honoring the history we have together?" To which I would respond, "Are you still using anything purposeful from 30 years ago when you first met? A phone attached to the wall with a curly cord coming out of the receiver? A hot pink jacket with oversized white buttons and big shoulder pads? A cassette tape player? Yes, there's definitely something nostalgic about these things and those friends we had back then. But if the friend's values and attitudes no longer line up with yours then there is no place for them in your lives. They belong with the outdated appliances and methods of doing things.<br />
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And that's okay.<br />
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So many of us are reluctant to let go of people we've known for a long time because they are a connection to the past. I understand that, but along with the happy memories they also have to provide you with present day joy and support. Just because someone was a friend to you during a particular season in your life when you may have particularly needed them and what they had to offer you at the time, doesn't mean that they are meant to be a friend for the rest of your life. Essentially it doesn't matter what they might have done for you in the past, if they are not there for you the way you need them to be NOW, then they are not worth holding on to.<br />
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Remember those Dream Spitters I was talking about? So many of them are from our past, who knew us a certain way and then when we changed our habits, beliefs, and programming, they couldn't understand it and felt the need to undermine what their own brains couldn't process. When I first moved away from my hometown there were some people who couldn't imagine that I would do such a thing. They had lived there for their entire lives, their parents and grandparents had lived there forever, and therefore they had no vision of ever venturing out past their familiar ground. Because they were unable to see my point of view, they were likewise unable to give encouragement or be happy for me and my own choices. <br />
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As I'm thinking about this, I'm realizing that throughout my life there have been many many people who didn't "get" me. My way of thinking, my sense of humor, my core belief system, and my outlook on life overall. In continuing to think about it, I'm realizing that things like my way of thinking, my sense of humor, my core belief system, and my outlook on life overall have changed significantly (and in some cases quite drastically) over the years. Because of the choices I have made I can honestly say that I am a radically different person now than I was in my 30s, the person I was in my 30s was very different from the person I was in my 20s, and the person I was in my 20s was somewhat different from the person I was as as teen and child. Most people change throughout their lives, some more notably than others, and there is no guarantee that the people in your life will change the same way or at the same rate that you do. Hopefully you will all be able to support each other through all of the changes but not everyone will be able to do that. <br />
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And that's okay too.<br />
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No matter where you are in life, if there are people in your life who do not support your decisions and the way you choose to life the precious life you were given, then they do not need one more moment of your time and effort. Love and friendship are supposed to be positive and feel good. They should help to alleviate stress, not be the cause. If people don't "get" you, then find the people that do. Remember that some people are meant to be in your life for a season, not a lifetime. Above all, remember that no one has the right to dull your shine, and you have no right to let them. <br />
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"If a person closes the curtains to block out a blazing sun, that has no effect whatsoever on the sun that keeps on shining and fulfilling its glorious purpose." - Rachel Cole<br />
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Don't let someone else's curtains block your light. You're better off leaving them in the dark.<br />
Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-58185891213011296182017-06-28T21:37:00.003-07:002017-06-28T21:37:46.324-07:00Out of the mouths of babes......although I'm not sure if it counts as a babe if it's my 18 year old daughter. Well, she's MY babe, as in baby, so I guess that works.<br />
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Anyway, had a very edifying conversation with said daughter a few days ago and even though it was shorter than 5 minutes it created a paradigm shift in my head that I'm hoping will last forever.<br />
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We were packing for our upcoming trip and I was mentioning that I really didn't want to have to wear my big running sneakers to walk around San Francisco, even though I knew they were a better choice for my back and feet than my cute little Converse that have zero arch support. She was like, "Wear the sneakers, who cares?" And I responded, "Well, I don't want to look like an old lady." And she was like, "First of all, you're not wearing orthotics, they're Saucony running shoes. Second of all, you need to take care of yourself and your back, third of all, WHO CARES what you're wearing on your feet?"<br />
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She was right on all counts. But I didn't get the lesson yet. I pressed on further.<br />
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Me: "Well with the way my body is right now I already have a matronly type look and I don't want to be perceived as old and matronly and if I wear the sneakers with my capri pants I'll look like all of the old lady tourists who walk around the mall before it opens, talking about their hip replacements and their medications and all of that stuff."<br />
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Her: Audible sigh. Pause. Then, what came of her mouth were, in my opinion, words of wisdom far beyond her years.<br />
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"Here's the thing. You're so concerned about what everyone else is thinking. Well no one else is thinking ANYTHING! Not to mention, who cares what anyone else may be thinking - BE COMFORTABLE! Wear what you want to wear! It doesn't matter! Life is too short to worry about these things!"<br />
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Of course she was right. And I agreed with everything she said 100%. In fact, I have given her the same exact advice many many times throughout her life. But isn't it true that we're usually great at giving the very advice to others that create roadblocks in our own lives?<br />
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I nodded silently, agreeing with everything she said in my head. I was almost convinced, but decided to try one more tactic just to see if I was indeed correct in my thinking and could stay tethered to the bonds of insecurity from my youth. <br />
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I said, "I agree with everything you said. You're SO right. But what about those makeovers on TV where they give people a new look which gives them confidence and sets them on a road to a new and happier life. What about the 'What Not To Wear' ladies?"<br />
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She thought for a moment and replied, "Well, the makeovers are a bit different. It's true that they give people confidence, which I'm in favor of, but those people aren't able to maintain the hair and makeup that an entire team has spent hours working on. I think it's good to give the people a glimpse into what they 'could' look like, if they are dissatisfied with their current look, but I don't think it's the be-all-and-end-all that the shows try to make it seem like." Pause. "And I have a REAL problem with those 'What Not To Wear' people. I don't think they should exist. Who are they to tell you what to wear or what not to wear based on a look that society thinks you should adhere to. It's YOUR LIFE! If you want to wear a muumuu because it's comfortable for your life, then wear a muumuu. If you want to walk around in skinny jeans and high heels because it makes you feel attractive then wear that. <b>But nobody has any right to tell anyone else how they should or shouldn't dress and how they should or shouldn't look.</b> Their opinions are based on what THEY think you should look like according to often unattainable standards. Wear what you want and who cares what anyone else thinks about it."<br />
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I was silent, taking in all that she said, and after about 10 seconds I realized something:<br />
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She rocked my world.<br />
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While on some level I already knew everything she was saying, at my most conscious level I always envied the makeover people on tv and completely subscribed to the "What Not To Wear" people's advice. I saw the transformations and wished that someone would come to me to help make me the most beautiful and I could be, or at least acceptable to the world because I was now dressing in a way that most flattered my body shape. <br />
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But now as I think about it, what does that word "flattering" even mean? In my life it has always meant, "makes me look thinner." But the dictionary definition of "flattering" is: <i>Complimentary, favorable, pleasing, becoming, and enhancing one's appearance. </i>It also means: <i>To praise or compliment insincerely, to gratify by falsification.</i> Very interesting. To me, "flattering" is all about how you appear to others and what those others think of your appearance. <br />
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As I have said here before, I was raised with the tenet that other people's opinions were more important and significant than my own. If the scale didn't read society's acceptable level of weight I was ugly and a failure. If I was rejected by someone then it was futile to try again because those rejectors must be right. If someone ridiculed me about what I wore or the way I walked or looked, those comments were to be believed and taken to heart because what others had to say was always more important than the quiet voice inside of me that was trying desperately to disagree. (Very early on that voice learned to stay silent because it knew speaking up was futile.)<br />
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To that, about a year ago someone told me that I had a matronly style. This opinion was furthered shortly afterwards after I saw 2 women, one over 70 and one clearly in her 80s, wearing the same shirts that I had recently purchased. (as an aside, I LOVED these shirts! They were color blocked and striped and they actually looked really good on me, even with the previously expressly forbidden for 35 years horizontal stripe pattern. For some reason these shirts just resonated with me and I absolutely loved them.) They were on sale (plus I had discount coupons) and I liked them so much that actually bought 2 of them in different colors. One woman was in the blue one, the other was in the pink one. Needless to say, I returned both shirts to the store because that person's words rang out in my head and did not like being viewed as having a matronly style. (Especially with my ample curves I have been made to believe from a young age that I appear more matronly than someone with a flatter chest and narrower hips.)<br />
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That particular comment, which I viewed as an insult, has stuck with me like Krazy Glue. It wasn't until the conversation with my daughter that I realized that I had been taking it to heart every time I got dressed to leave the house. I've said things to myself like, "Ok, this shirt is from Old Navy, these pants are from H&M, there's no way anyone could consider this outfit matronly." It became very important to me to be more cognizant of what I was wearing and how it could be perceived. <br />
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This also made me realize that how we believe we are perceived by others goes beyond our outer coverings. Many of us walk around clothed in shame first, and the fabric we choose to cover our bodies often reflects how we feel underneath them. And the shame can come from more than our appearance. It can come from holding onto mistakes we might have made, or accomplishments unfinished, or dreams unrealized. I know someone who walks around attired in defeat and regret every day because of her divorce. It's been 15 years and she still can't get over what she considers to be an enormous failure in the eyes of everyone she meets. I know someone else whose daily wardrobe consists of humiliation and self-degredation because she had plans for a certain career and then didn't get into the schools and programs she planned on. She's ended up working a series of random jobs with no real focus because she can't get over her disappointment and find a new path. <br />
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As much as we try to hide our true feelings about ourselves, they come out loudly to the world regardless of what clothing we choose to put on top of them. If we're happy and content and confident and grateful, then that is what shines forth beyond the comfortable non-designer clothes. If we're morose, angry, dispirited, and pessimistic, that energy is what comes through, regardless of the trendy, high-end fashion we've using as an attempt to cover up our broken souls. <br />
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My point is, as my daughter put so eloquently, wear what you like, wear what makes you feel good, spend less time scrutinizing yourself in the mirror, and don't worry one bit about what it might look like to someone else. Life is too short to be a slave to what some random marketing machine deems stylish or appropriate or flattering. The only thing "Not To Wear" I think, is a frown or a negative attitude. Have you noticed that when you're smiling everything looks good on you?<br />
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P.S. For those of you wondering, I brought my running sneakers on the trip, but for Day #1 of strolling around the city I wore my cute Converse with the minimal arch support. My feet and back paid for it the next day and I've been sporting my Sauconys ever since.Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-7373762602749643632017-06-25T07:12:00.005-07:002017-06-25T07:12:55.416-07:00Talk less, listen more.As Erma Bombeck famously stated in her "If I Had My Life To Live Over" essay, she said she would have "talked less and listened more."<br />
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Dear Erma, I wholeheartedly agree.<br />
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Yesterday my family and I had the opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with my husbands 93 year old grandmother. The kids and I have only actually met her a handful of times, and usually as a part of a family reunion. So getting to talk to her, or more accurately, <i>listen</i> to her, was a rare occasion to get a glimpse into her life way back before World War II, before the invention of the television, and before she had six kids and a husband who left her shortly after the sixth one was born. <br />
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I came prepared with questions that I jotted down on the back of a receipt I found in my purse on the way over to her house. My husband did not know the answers to any of the questions and he was as fascinated as I was to learn about her experiences as a young girl in boarding school and how she spent her summers in her youth. Being of hearty English stock, she recalled how she persevered steadfastly and rather unemotionally after her mother left when she was 6 and confessed how she never really knew the woman who gave birth to her. She considers her stepmother her real mother and cherishes her 3 step siblings. While she couldn't remember specific activities they did together as children, she remembered fondly the fact that they always had chores to do on the farm and how no adults were concerned about how their kids or the neighbors' kids were being entertained. They were left to their own devices to figure out how to pass the time between school and work and there was virtually no supervision once a child could manage tasks on his or her own. She laughed at the memory of the neighbor boy peering in the window to watch their first tiny black and white television, and frowned with disdain remembering the "coming out" parties of her debutante acquaintances. She took us through her history of meeting Grandpa (my husband had never heard that story) of raising her kids on her own farm, of teaching special needs children and running horse camps after her children were grown (and finally retiring at age 70!) and of always having her door open for when a niece or nephew or grandchild needed a place to stay, even for an indefinite period of time. When I asked her when was her happiest time she grew pensive for a moment and didn't answer. After the pause I gently asked further, "Was it when you had your six children all around you in the house?" She remained silent for another minute, then looked up and replied, "Yes. Yes I think it was." I'm quite sure no one had ever asked her that question in 93 years. <br />
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As she talked for a good 75 minutes or so, my teenage kids were enraptured. There was no checking of phones or talking among themselves or looking bored. They added their own questions and comments to her stories, and laughed along when she told of a funny instance that had, until then, been long since forgotten. It was, quite simply, a magical time spent together, and one that we are all incredibly grateful and honored to have had experienced. <br />
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I asked similar questions to 2 great aunts from my father's side many years ago, shortly before they passed away. It was amazing to get a real picture of these quiet, polite, and very reserved old ladies whooping it up in the South, playing the part of Scarlett O'Hara in the early part of the twentieth century, long before their hair turned white. Their eyes sparkled and their voices came alive as they told us all about the nicknames in the family, the weekly dances and courting rituals, and of course, the rampant racism that wasn't recognized as such in the innocence of their youth. After those special moments we all saw them as real people, and no longer just as the twice-older generation with whom we had nothing in common and nothing similar to which we could relate. <br />
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Everybody has a story. Every person who has ever walked on the Earth has had experiences unique to them, but are also a part of a shared experience called humanity. Everyone has hopes and expectations, has experienced love in some form or another, and has suffered loss, which I believe is the great unifier. It can be fun and extremely rewarding to get to know the stories and backgrounds of the people that you know by name but don't really know as fellow human beings; especially those with whom you have a presumption that you're too different to have a connection with besides familially. <br />
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So I would encourage you, when you have the chance, sit down with an elderly relative or friend of the family and ask them about their life. Take them back to what will most likely be a simpler time when they had their life in front of them instead of behind. They will most likely be delighted to share their life stories with you, and undoubtedly thrilled that someone took the time to ask. Unfortunately it seems that senior citizenship is not recognized or respected in American culture and often the elders in our society are pushed off to the side and even ignored when the younger people are around. Wouldn't it be nice to change that within your own circle?<br />
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Here is a list of questions to get you started:<br />
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1. Where did you go to elementary school? What was the culture there? What were the disciplinary actions doled out by the teachers?<br />
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2. What did you do for fun as a family, before television and computers? Did your family have a radio that they listened to nightly?<br />
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3. What were some of your favorite meals cooked by your mother? What did she do while you were in school?<br />
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4. Did you have a secret hideout like a tree or a cave nearby? Who were your friends and what kind of games did you play?<br />
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5. What was your first job? Do you remember what you got paid?<br />
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6. How did you meet Grandpa/Grandma? Were you ever in love before you met him or her? How long did you date before getting engaged/married? May we see your wedding photos?<br />
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7. What were your career goals? Were you encouraged to follow your aspirations as a young adult?<br />
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8. What was the political climate like when you were young? Was there racism or prejudice in the town where you grew up? If so, which groups of people were targets?<br />
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9. What was your favorite toy as a child? Do you remember who gave it to you or where you got it?<br />
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10. What was your favorite subject in school?<br />
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11. What was the make of your first car?<br />
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12. Did you have a pet growing up? What was its name?<br />
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13. What were birthday parties like when you were young?<br />
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14. What was your favorite book growing up?<br />
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15. What did you wear to go to school?<br />
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16. Do you remember when you first got a television? A record player/phonograph?<br />
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17. Do you remember how much a loaf of bread cost when you were young? How about a chocolate bar? A soda at the soda fountain?<br />
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18. What did you worry about when you were younger? Did you have to participate in things like air raid drills?<br />
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19. Did you know your own grandparents?<br />
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20. When was the happiest time in your life?<br />
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Please feel free to add your own questions and let the conversation go off on as many tangents as the speaker wants. I would also suggest keeping water or another beverage handy if the person isn't used to talking so much at one time. You can also record the conversation to play for other relatives who might be interested. We didn't record this conversation because I felt that Grandma wouldn't feel as comfortable speaking freely if she was being recorded, but if your person is up for it, it would be a wonderful keepsake to pass along to future generations (assuming of course they will have the correct technology to play the recording 😉)<br />
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All this to say, while we still have our precious elders with us, we should try to form a connection with them before they and their stories are gone forever. Don't forget, you came from somewhere - we all did - and it is only through the the accomplishments and daily living of the people who came before us that led us to where we are today. Find out about them. Take the time to engage and question and listen to the fascinating stories about what came before you. Hopefully the young ones of the future will do the same with us.<br />
<br />Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-10714140438855094862017-05-23T06:19:00.000-07:002017-05-23T06:19:02.673-07:00Renounce the Dream SpittersYou know who I'm talking about. The discouragers, the putter-downers, the "well-meaning" people who let you know in no uncertain terms just how lame, stupid, and impossible your dream is, and who go out of their way to steer you in a different direction claiming it's for your own good. <br />
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I know a lot of these people. I call them the Dream Spitters. <br />
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Because that's what they do. They spit on your dreams. <br />
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Dream Spitters come in all forms - supervisors, friends, family members, acquaintances, and sometimes even strangers will, for some unknown reason, make it a point to say to your face exactly why you shouldn't be doing what you're doing. It's happened to me more times than I can count and all I can say is, protecting myself from the spit is extremely tiring. <br />
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I wasn't always able to protect myself though. The first major Dream Spitter I encountered (and who earned the first official nickname) was in Seattle many years ago. I was newly engaged, excited about living in a new place, and along with my day job (which by the way was filled with Dream Spitters, my direct boss was the king of soul-crushing expectorating) I was going to sign language interpreting school at night. One of my dreams was to be an ASL interpreter, specifically at concerts after seeing one at a concert and falling in love with the art and skill of interpreting music. After about a year and half of school an opportunity arose for me to try interpreting for a church's worship music segment. (Those of us who weren't certified yet weren't able to do any spoken word interpreting, but because music is more free flowing and doesn't have to be as exactly lined up as speech, it was a good way to practice in public.) I met with the signing supervisor, who was very warm and welcoming, I worked hard all week on memorizing the songs, and I was so excited on Saturday night when the musicians, pastor, signing supervisor, and I met for the rehearsal. I was beaming with joy and anticipation as I stepped up onto the mini stage off to the side where I would be one step closer to my dream coming true. The music started and I went into a zone - I was hearing the music and feeling the music, my entire body was engaged in the signing, not just my hands, and overall I felt this beautiful flow between the music coming out of the speakers and the signs appearing effortlessly one after the other. It was a magical, beautiful, joy-filled, expressive experience for me, and when I was finished I felt like I had really accomplished something magnificent. Yes, it was just a rehearsal in small church with no attendees, but for me it was a triumph. I felt like a bright shining light, emitting beauty and expression into the dark empty space. I had that sacred experience of what happens when what you think you want to do intersects with what you are supposed to do, and you feel like your dreams have aligned with your purpose. For me, it was a feeling of unequivocal exuberance and sparkling pride...which lasted for about 30 seconds. <br />
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Enter the Dream Spitter. <br />
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The warm and welcoming signing supervisor came up to me as I stepped down. I was beaming and smiling, unable to contain my elation. She frowned at me and held up a large lined notebook. As the pastor began his sermon practice she sat me down and said these words to me:<br />
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"You have a beautiful signing style...but here's what you did wrong."<br />
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She proceeded to go down her extensive list of how she would have done it differently, how at this place instead of using this certain sign they used a different sign, and how the Deaf people she knew who attended this service preferred this song signed this particular way, etc. etc. etc. She basically cut me off at the knees and let me know that while my signing might be acceptable somewhere else, here at this church SHE would be the one to take over the following morning. <br />
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I. Was. Crushed.<br />
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I got in my car and sobbed uncontrollably until I was calm enough to drive myself home. Once I got there I called my fiancé (this was before cell phones so I had to wait to get home to call him) and started hysterically crying all over again. I felt like my dream, my purpose, my ultimately fulfilling job that I was working toward had been snatched out of my hands and thrown far away, unable to be reached because I was so incredibly incompetent. At that moment I felt like a huge ugly door had slammed shut on my beautiful, magical dream and I remember feeling utterly inconsolable.<br />
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I was young. I was impressionable. I had hopes that didn't match my self-esteem. And I believed what this person said about my abilities, and assigned that poison to my soul. Which I know now is the ultimate goal of the Dream Spitter. <br />
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I did not volunteer again, and although I kept going to school, my heart was no longer in it. We moved shortly after we got married and I was unable to get my certification, but I didn't really care. I had left this dream behind and did not possess the desire or the wherewithal to try to open the door to it again.<br />
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At the time I was so "in" it that I couldn't see the reality of the situation. Too often this happens with young people who don't have a foundation of courage and determination to help see them through these times of disappointment and defeat. Now that I'm 2 decades removed, and have encountered many similar incidents in my life, I can see that the following things were true in my scenario:<br />
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1. My signs were spot on. Every sign was technically correct and would have been understood perfectly by a Deaf person watching. I think it's important to note this because I wasn't a slacker - I cared about this assignment, I studied and worked diligently to make sure that what I was doing was absolutely accurate. Music can be signed on a broad scale, and even though what I chose to do may not have aligned with the supervisor's choices, it was still right and would have been comprehended as it was intended. (Not to mention that it was her responsibility to tell me ahead of time if certain signs were preferred over others at this place.)<br />
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2. This Dream Spitter was a big fish in a teeny tiny pond. I was young (she wasn't), I was cute (she wasn't), I was on my pre-wedding diet so I was thin-ish (she wasn't), and I was happy, energetic, and effusively excited about getting to sign for my first time outside of the classroom. In other words, I was a threat to her domain, and seeing her position potentially jeopardized by this fresh and bubbly new person made her scared and feel the overwhelming need to put me in my place. <br />
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Sad, isn't it? It was her job to be encouraging and supportive and ideally be a mentor to us up and coming interpreters. They needed signers and she complained incessantly about having her weekends constantly taken up by this job because she had no one to help her. But as we can see, she didn't actually <i>want</i> anyone to help her, and certainly not anyone who might have been better at her job than she was. <br />
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There's no telling how many other people's dreams she has spit on throughout her life and how many additional people took her deliberate denigration to heart. But as I said in my last post, that must be one heavy heart she has to carry around, and one miserable life she has to feel the need to put people down instead of lifting them up.<br />
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This woman was just one of many Dream Spitters I have encountered in my life. The boss who told me that my self-review numbers were way too high. The music teacher who harped on my inadequacies with never a positive affirmation. The close friend who let me know to my face all of my unforgivable faults that made me a terrible companion. The co-worker who advised me to dial it down a notch because I was making the rest of them look bad by comparison. The relative who told me that I would never find any kind of success as long as I was overweight. The bridesmaid who admonished me post-ceremony in front of the wedding party that the wedding kiss went on too long. The distant relative who advised me against looking for another job when I was crying myself to sleep every night. The other boss who set me up on my first day to appear incompetent while she took over for my unpreparedness (Did I mention it was my very first day on the job?). I can think of at least ten more off the top of my head. Dream Spitters are everywhere, and they will do everything they can to bring us dreamers down to their pitiful level, where they kill others' hope and anticipation in an pathetic attempt try to feel better about themselves.<br />
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So how do we combat the Dream Spitters? The Joy Stealers? The people who are all too happy to see us fall flat on our faces after deliberately placing the banana peel under our feet.<br />
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First off, cut them out of your life. Immediately. You don't need them. If you can't completely cut them out (i.e. family members that you have obligations to see) then cut them out of your circle that you tell good things to. If you don't share your dreams with them, then they won't be able to spit on them. When asked what you're working on, you have every right to reply "This and that," or "I've got a few things in the works," and leave it at that. Usually that is enough to make the other person realize that you don't want to discuss it further, but if they don't get it the first time around, when they ask you, "Like what?" then you can feel free to say, "I'll let you know when it's done, I'm not really comfortable talking about it while I'm in process." Or something like that. Usually these people love to talk about themselves so another tactic would be to answer the "What are you doing right now?" question with "Not much, what are YOU working on right now? I heard you joined a new book club (or knitting club, or cooking class, or whatever you heard they are into)." Or "You know, this and that. How's work going? Did you get the new desk chair you wanted?" You get the idea. The point is, get the focus off of yourself as quickly as possible and these all-too-discouraging people will forget about spitting on you and instead enjoy talking about their favorite subject: themselves. You may have to put up with complaining and kvetching and whining from them about their current situation, but at least you and your aspirations will be off limits. <br />
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Secondly, remember remember remember that their dream spitting is <b>not about you.</b> It is about them. I remember when I had my first baby and chose to not return to work outside my home I got calls every few weeks from a former colleague of mine. She said she was calling to check in on the baby and me, but in every single conversation she would inevitably ask me when I was returning to work. I would patiently explain to her that I was not going back to work, instead I was staying home to raise my child. She could not understand this concept. She would say things like, "But you could be doing so much MORE!" and"But you have skills and an education, don't you want to put them to good use?" and "But don't you want more out of your life?" Not only were these comments incredibly rude, but they were also supremely disrespectful of the choice I had made of the way I wanted to live this new chapter of my life. Because I had a different opinion than her, she simply couldn't comprehend why I, or anyone, would make that choice. Dream spitter. <br />
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Now, this woman chose to remain unmarried and childless and used her time and efforts to move up the corporate ladder. At any point during that time I could have said to her, "But don't you want MORE out of your life? Won't this choice leave you unfulfilled because no one ever said on their deathbed 'I wish I'd spent more time at the office?' Why would you ever NOT want to have a family?" I could have easily (and some would argue justifiably) spit on her dreams because they were diametrically opposed from mine. But I pride myself on being a lifter-upper, not a keeper-downer.<br />
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Thirdly, recognize that 9 times out of 10 the reason the Dream Spitters are doing the spitting is because they are unhappy in their own lives. This is obvious, but when you're in the midst of someone making you feel like your dreams are impossible it's can be hard to see the root of where it's coming from. You might want to willingly take on what they are dishing out because it's easier to give up than to keep plugging away at your dream. But don't ever let the Dream Spitters win. It's what they want, and they don't deserve it.<br />
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Lastly, realize that the Dream Spitters of the world are wholly and completely consumed by outside validation. Their lives are all about what other people think, or more accurately, what they THINK other people are thinking. Miss Dream Spitter Sign Language Interpreter enjoyed her position of power and relished reigning over her underlings. Do you know what I found out about her later? Her husband left her, her first daughter had a baby out of wedlock (which was a big deal to the small tightly-knit church community), her son had been nearly arrested, and her other daughter left the house as soon as she could to get away from her mother. I have to assume that mine weren't the only dreams she made a habit of spitting upon. <br />
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The list goes on. The friend who kept telling me what was wrong with me was dealing with a crumbling marriage and an fierce desire to work but kept coming up short in finding her perfect job. Horrible boss #1 had just gone through her third divorce and it was common knowledge that she only had that job because she was a friend of one of the directors there. The colleague who badgered me about my decision to give up my job only found her validation from outside forces like her job title and her salary - she couldn't get it from inside of herself, nor could any of the other people who have felt so free to spit on my and other people's dreams. The trick is to not let these people's frustrations and disappointments about their own lives rub off on you or me or anyone else who is trying to live a fulfilled and happy life according to their own terms. <br />
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So my friend, I encourage you to renounce the Dream Spitters in your life!! You have my permission to cut anyone out of your life who spits on your dreams and doesn't see you as the luminous, stellar, amazing, accomplished, capable-of-anything, talented person THAT YOU ARE. Not all of us will be able to fulfill our dreams or see them fully realized, but each and every single one of us deserves the chance to try. And while we're trying, we don't need some yucky Dream Spitters to get in our way. Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-80076154920430052562017-05-15T15:08:00.002-07:002017-05-16T06:53:15.993-07:00A Teflon SkinAllow me to set the scene for you: It's mid-May, in the year 2017, I'm in a lovely town in a mid-Atlantic state in the United States of America. The sun is out, the sky is blue, a catered lunch is about to be served, and everyone is joyfully milling about in pastel florals and lightweight suits. I'm leaning down to find my table number card when out of nowhere...<br />
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WHAM!!!!! I'm smacked across the face with blatant, discriminatory, personally pinpointed, directed fully toward me racism. <br />
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This is no joke. When it happened I was so stunned I couldn't breathe for a moment. Several moments actually. While it's not important what was said, what <i>is </i>important was that it had to do with my being unwelcome there, the person's offense that I was in his presence, and that he thought his remarks were terribly terribly funny.<br />
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2017. The United States of America. <br />
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For some background, this is person that I've actually known for many years. While I do not know him well, we have been in each other's lives enough for him to have been on the receiving end of my family's generosity for things like like the loss of his wife, a house move, a significant birthday, etc. This is NOT the first time he has been prejudicial and pejorative to me; the times before making it abundantly clear that he would have been proud to wear a brown shirt overseas in the early 1940s. <br />
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Yikes.<br />
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Enough about him though - he's not worth the time or the effort it takes to type his description. What I do want to talk about here is: What do we do when we're faced with brazen, unabashed prejudice and racism? Aimed at ourselves or at others. Not what "should" we do, but what do we DO?<br />
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Firstly I just want to say that I have never understood racism and I never will. For every single human being on the Earth the following things are true:<br />
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1. When a human being is cut by a sharp object he or she bleeds blood and it's the color red.<br />
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Every. Single. Human. Being.<br />
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2. When a human being has dust fly up his or her nose, he or she sneezes. Involuntarily.<br />
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Every. Single. Human. Being.<br />
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3. If a human being's heart stops beating, he or she dies. <br />
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Every single time. Every. Single. Human. Being.<br />
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4. At some point during every day a human being will need to rid itself of waste matter that his or her body has generated. So he or she will urinate. <br />
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Every. Single. Human. Being.<br />
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5. If a new human being is going to be created, it can only be created one way. No matter what color, what race, what genetic makeup, or what religion is observed. There are different methods to achieve this conception, but it can literally only be created one way.<br />
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Every. Single. Human. Being.<br />
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Obviously I could go on, but the point is that, with rare exception, every single human being has more things going on in it that are the same as other human beings than things going on in it that are different. We may think differently, we may love differently, we may grieve differently, but on the most basic level, every single human being's bodily functions are the same. I would add, in my opinion, that every single human being on the planet wants to live without fear, without discrimination, without neglect, and without indifference. I would argue that just about every human being on some level wants to feel love, to feel seen, to feel joy, and be free to live the life he or she believes he or she is meant to live. <br />
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So if we're more alike than we are different, why do so many people hate each other?<br />
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I believe it's because every single human being was also given a brain which generates thoughts and ideas and conceptions and opinions. It's when these opinions differ (even down to "I think you shouldn't exist and you think you should") that the problems arise. And more often than not, a person will have certain thoughts or understandings based on what they were taught in childhood, the same way they were taught to walk or dress or feed themselves. For some, prejudice is as ingrained in them as breathing, and for others, tolerance is built and fostered instead. <br />
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But that's about who's on the giving end. What about those of us on the receiving end of the racial slurs and unmitigated narrow-mindedness? How do we handle them in a way that doesn't give the bullies the satisfaction of our acceptance and us believing that what they say is true?<br />
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Well, one way is to not take <i>anything</i> someone else says personally. Ever. Good or bad, whatever someone else says about you is merely their opinion of you, it is <b>never who you actually are</b>. When an epithet is aimed directly at you, channel Jackie Robinson and duck so you don't get hit. Cover yourself in figurative Teflon so the barbs simply bounce off and don't stick. Remember the schoolyard saying, "I'm rubber and you're glue. Everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!" If you don't take on what the offender is trying to put onto you, then they are stuck alone with their misery and overwhelming need to feel superior. Have you ever met a calm, content, or peaceful racist? No, because they are so churned up with their hate and intolerance that they can't relax and enjoy their lives. They have to scream and shout and burn crosses and hold pitchforks to get the debasement out of themselves and onto others. The bigot's bigotry is less about the victim than it is about their own low self-esteem and the sheer discomfort they suffer by having to live in their own skin every day. <br />
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Another way to handle these horrible people is to speak up. In dangerous situations we're told to keep quiet, to not make a scene, and to just try to get out of the situation alive. But in the non-violent situations where astonishingly inappropriate things are said, if someone stands up to the bully, there's a chance that the bully will become aware of the offensiveness of his or her actions and want to change. While I would expect on some level that the person who recently tried to offend me would somehow realistically see that what was said was utterly and completely discriminatory, I now know that he actually believed what he said was funny, and believed I would think it was funny too. He's so unbelievably ignorant that it's remotely possible that if his egregious offensiveness was pointed out to him, he might have a tiny bit of remorse about it. (But between you and me I doubt it, and the realization wouldn't stop him from saying it again.)<br />
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Whether or not you speak up against offenders, either on your own behalf or on those of others, the most important thing is: <b>DO NOT TAKE IT ON AND DO NOT TAKE IT IN.</b><br />
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<b>IT'S NOT YOURS AND IT NEVER WAS. DO NOT TAKE IT ON AND DO NOT TAKE IT IN. </b><br />
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If you have brown eyes and someone says, "Wow, those are some ugly blue eyes you have," you would look at them like they were nuts and think "Really? What a stupid and ridiculous thing to say." If you're seven feet tall and someone says, "It's a shame that you're so short," you would think, "Seriously? You're kidding, right?" If someone puts you down in a racist or prejudicial way then it's no different. No matter what they say, if they are treating you as less of a 100% human being then it's as silly and absurd as calling a blond-haired person a brunette. It's not true, it makes no sense, and <b><u>just because someone says it does not make it accurate, valid, or credible.</u></b><br />
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If you've never had prejudice assigned to you then there's no possible way you can understand what it feels like. But if you have then you know how difficult it is to hear and to try to let it bounce off of you without taking it in. We can quote Eleanor Roosevelt ("No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.") as much as we want but there's a reason why the "rubber-glue" and "sticks and stones" rhymes were devised on those playgrounds long ago. Because words can injure souls, and when we get made fun of or disparaged for nothing but the way we were made then we don't have many built-in defenses against that. <br />
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As for myself, I'm putting this latest incident behind me and moving forward because I do not want to spend one more second of my life thinking about this person or what was said to me. And because I really do believe that what goes around comes around, I can be grateful that I am who I am and that I do not have the burden of carrying that person's heavy and damaged heart around for every beleaguered step of life. All I can control is myself, my own actions and my own reactions. Ultimately the racist is going to be more affected by his words and actions than I am, because I have the choice to not accept them. But if racism and prejudice are parts of what make up a person, then they will never truly experience happiness or peace.<br />
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As for myself, I'll choose joy and happiness, fulfillment and contentment, sympathy and empathy, serenity and peace. But never the path of least resistance to get there.<br />
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<b><br /></b>Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-42778048039638664832017-05-10T12:20:00.001-07:002017-05-10T12:20:31.392-07:00The Choices We MakeI have repeated this quote more than once here on my blog:<br />
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"Change your thoughts and you change your world." -Norman Vincent Peale<br />
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Here is another quote, courtesy of Bill, the amazingly nice guy who works at the post office:<br />
"Happiness is a choice."<br />
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Thank you Bill. I was reminded of both of these today while going through a situation that could have easily gone two different ways. I could have ended up feeling angry, annoyed, upset and frustrated, or, I could have found myself feeling cheerful, grateful, content, and peaceful.<br />
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I surprised myself and went for the latter. Here's what happened:<br />
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Without going into too much detail I will say that I was disrespected for the umpteenth time where I volunteer. My supervisor did something, which she does often, which showed me again her complete and utter disregard for my time, my going above and beyond what's expected, and for all that I have done (without compensation) over the past 5 years there. <br />
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(I should say here that I am not the only volunteer who feels this way. Because this person is so wrapped up in her own issues and is mentally unable to be considerate of other people's time and lives, I was fully aware that what happened was not a deliberate act of malice toward me. It was just a result of her usual carelessness and overall indifference for anyone else's needs or feelings.)<br />
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At this moment, when this thing happened yet again, I realized that I had a choice in how I was going to handle it. I could give in to the feelings of anger, disappointment, annoyance, and disrespect that were bubbling up in my stomach, OR, I could make the choice to consciously change my mind about the situation and turn those knee jerk reactions into contentment, calm, acceptance, and peace.<br />
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I considered my situation and the choices I had (basically to stick around and do my job or stomp off in a huff) and I thought about what I wanted to fill my body with and what I would be projecting to the world when I did that. I got out of my head and took a moment to actually look around and take in the reality of my surroundings. When I did that it was like a switch got flipped inside of myself. I flipped the switch to "choose happiness" and the ire that had been foaming inside me settled down into serenity. While couldn't change the circumstances, I realized that I could accept them, and then move forward into what would be the best and healthiest scenario for me.<br />
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To clarify, I wasn't being physically or emotionally harmed, I wasn't just accepting abuse or prejudice - that I would not do. But I realized that I was experiencing a first world problem* and the only person hurting me at that moment was myself. My supervisor had done her thing, she was over it and had moved on, so if I chose to spend the next few hours simmering in my own frustration, I had no one to blame but myself. So I stuck around and did my job and every time I saw her I reminded myself that I could only control my own actions and no one else's.<br />
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Amazingly, right before I left she apologized for her actions, at which point I made another choice. Honestly, I was so fed up that I wanted to chew her out and call out every single infraction from the past few years, ending with this final frustrating straw. But instead I graciously accepted her apology and went on my way. I left the place feeling peaceful and a little proud of how I handled the whole situation. What happened next astounded me.<br />
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As composed as I was feeling emotionally, physically this whole internal dissonance was wreaking having with my stomach. Because I had spent a good hour with all of the negative stuff building up inside me, I was feeling a bit nauseous and off-kilter constitutionally. Coca-cola usually tends to settle my uneasy gut so even though I've been doing limited carbs and sugar lately, I went in search of a Coke. On my way I passed by Panera and remembered that I still had my free birthday pastry to claim if it hadn't expired yet. So I went in, handed the cashier my card, and to my delight she told me that not only was my free birthday treat still on there, but it was also free bagel month and I was entitled to a free bagel as well.<br />
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Needless to say, after my recently exhausting experience I was ecstatic. I said something like, "Who-hooo! This is great! You just made my day!" The cashier must have picked up on my palpable joy because after I picked out my 2 carb-laden snacks she held out an empty cup and said, "Here, have a drink. It's on me."<br />
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I was stunned. Seriously. I wanted a soda to help make myself feel better and here she was handing me free one. I mean, WOW! I felt like the universe was giving a me high five for handling the situation gracefully and healthily, rather than in my old way, by which I would still be angry and upset about it several hours later and carrying around huge amounts of negativity and indignation.<br />
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Did my supervisor behave inappropriately and disrespectfully? Absolutely. Did I have every right to be angry and annoyed? I believe the answer to that is a resounding "yes." But I was not being purposely or personally victimized or mistreated. I was merely on the receiving end of her typical forgetfulness and inconsiderate attitude toward others. She messed up yet again, it affected me yet again, but ultimately it was my choice to let someone else's impudence and ineptitude interfere with the joy and peace that I try to cultivate in my life. Or not.<br />
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We have these choices every moment of every day. Any time we have to deal with an annoying or less-than-ideal situation we get to make the choice of how we're going to handle it. And even if we have every right to be angry or exasperated, we have to decide if that's how we want to go through our day, or if we want to consciously make another choice. It's natural to feel displeasure, and sometimes it's important to feel those necessary feelings. But we can allow ourselves to work through them and <b>then choose to let them go</b> instead of hanging onto them long after the catalytic situation is over. Your choices are always your own, and more often than not we get a confirmation that we've made the right ones. Sometimes it's in the laughter you hear from the people around you, sometimes it's a hug from a loved one, and sometimes, when you're really lucky, it's a free Coke when you really really need one.<br />
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*What I want to add about first world problems is this: So often people will classify things as "First World Problems," meaning that they really aren't anything to get upset about, especially when compared to the other, often horrendous, actual life-or-death problems that other people have to deal with. I completely subscribe to looking at our minor annoyances this way because it keeps them in perspective and gets us out of our own heads where things can be magnified. But there is also something to be said for having enough skin in the game of your life that you take things seriously, and that you care enough to let something bother you, even for a short time. I remember many years ago we had house cleaners who broke a pair of treasured candleholders I had. They were not worth a lot of money, but I really liked them, and since I had gotten them at Home Goods a few years prior they were virtually irreplaceable. I remember complaining to one of my friends about it and saying, "I know, they're just things," to which she responded passionately, "Yeah, but they're YOUR things! No one has a right to be careless with your things, you have every right to be upset about this!" And you know what? She was right. Yes, they were only things, but I was engaged enough in my life and in surrounding myself with things that I liked to look at and that brought me joy that I was upset when someone else took them from me. I CARED. I'm not someone who angers easily or who takes a lot of opportunities to be annoyed by things, but when I do choose to get upset it reminds me that I'm a person who is fully living life, jumping in with both feet, and investing in every moment with my emotions and spirit and vigor. I would much rather live my life that way, as opposed to the people I know who just cruise along on an even keel, without any ups or downs at all. Again, I don't want to hold onto things that make me upset, but feeling them at the time is another life-affirming experience that we each get to have in our time here on Earth.Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-11506412432554485062017-03-22T16:35:00.000-07:002017-03-22T16:35:34.401-07:00Loneliness......and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. - Mother Teresa<br />
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My husband and I watched a wonderful documentary last night called "Wizard Mode." It's about an autistic man who is a world champion pinball player. It is a fascinating look into his life as he travels around the world, playing in competitions, while trying to gain some independence by getting his first job, learning to drive a car, and flying for the first time without his parents. Perhaps the most amazing thing about his journey is how he has used pinball to become more social, and as a way to open up communication with others, since the autism can make interpersonal interactions difficult and frustrating for him. We got a very personal look at all of his ups and downs, and while I was audibly cheering for him during the tournaments, I also found myself sobbing at the one thing he struggles with in all aspects of his life:<br />
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Loneliness.<br />
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There's really nothing worse is there?<br />
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There have been several scientific studies published recently that prove that loneliness is worse for a person's health than smoking or obesity. Especially in older people. It makes sense when you think about it. And for anyone who has ever felt the heavy, dark, sour weight of loneliness in their chest, they will most heartily agree.<br />
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Smoking damages our lungs (and other internal and external organs). Obesity damages our hearts (and blood vessels and joints). But loneliness damages our souls, and unfortunately there's no medicine or operation that can repair that.<br />
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While no one likes to feel lonely, most of us can endure it for short amounts of time without any detrimental or lasting effects. But the research is showing that long-term loneliness can actually lead to earlier death based on a number of factors. Here is the link to one of the articles, and I highly recommend giving it a read: https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2017/01/18/loneliness-might-be-a-bigger-health-risk-than-smoking-or-obesity/#efd10d25d13e.<br />
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Here's one of the most interesting findings:<br />
Social isolation may be a more significant health factor than smoking or obesity, <i>whether the person feels lonely or not. </i><br />
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Wow! The effects of long-term loneliness could be significantly detrimental to a person even if they don't feel or exhibit any of the symptoms. <br />
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I'm not going to get into whys and hows and the facts of the studies here, but all of what I've read made me think: People have control over quitting smoking, and people have control over their exercise and nutrition, so can people have control over their loneliness? <br />
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At first thought it seems like that is a more difficult thing to overcome because the lack of loneliness absolutely depends upon other people. An individual makes a choice whether or not to put a cigarette into his or her mouth but to thwart loneliness, one or more additional people must be involved. This inherently creates risks - of rejection, abandonment, and exclusion. These can feel mountainous when you're putting yourself out there to meet people and hopefully make new friends. But like any other goal you wish you accomplish, it can't happen without great amounts of hope, drive, hard work, and determination to never give up. <br />
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So what are some ways that a lonely person can combat the loneliness? Well, since there is no "instant friend" that you can simply add water to, here are some ideas to help you feel less lonely overall:<br />
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1. Get out of your house and DO SOMETHING! Translation: Get out of your head and whatever you're thinking about from the past. Go somewhere, ANYWHERE, where there are other people around: A grocery store. A park. A museum. Downtown. Ride the subway. Stroll the mall. Surround yourself with other people, even if they are complete strangers. This will remind you that there is a big and potentially friendly world out there. Even if you're sitting completely alone on a park bench there will be life around you - bikers, hikers, picnickers, toddlers blowing bubbles, etc. You will feel like a part of the human race if you are in an environment where there is human activity. Not to mention, you could meet someone who could become a friend in one of these situations. You will be making yourself available for someone to find you and talk to you. <br />
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You could also go to places where talking with each other is encouraged. Join a tour group that's visiting your closest major city, even if you aren't a tourist. Everyone is always chatting and asking questions in those groups of people. Go to a general store in the middle of a small town - the proprietor will almost always want to tell you stories about the town and how long the store has been there, etc. If you have the money, take a cruise by yourself - I've heard several stories of people doing this and making lifelong friends in the process. The point is, get yourself out and doing social things and you will automatically be more sociable. <br />
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In that same vein, I highly recommend taking a class in a subject that interests you or join one of the thousands of MeetUp groups in your area that focus on one of your hobbies or passions. These MeetUps were specifically designed to help people meet others with similar interests so you might as well take advantage of the fact that they are out there just waiting for you to sign up. <br />
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I would caution you against solitary activities such as seeing a movie alone (you're surrounded by people but talking and interaction are discouraged), playing online/phone games, or scrolling through Facebook for hours at a time. These time suckers will certainly help to pass the lonely hours, but you will end up just as lonely when they are over.<br />
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Another way to meet people is to go to a restaurant that has communal seating. It may seem strange at first, but if you go out to eat alone and sit in a booth by yourself, there's no chance to meet someone besides the waiter taking your order. But if you sit at a communal table, there are ample opportunities for conversation. If no one is talking to you, you can ask the people next to you what they ordered and if they are enjoying it. They might even give you a taste. Some restaurants even have specifically designated "Community Nights" where the food is served family style and interpersonal communication is encouraged. The same goes for open mike nights, poetry readings, book groups (many libraries provide these for free), art appreciation nights at museums, etc. These can be easy situations because there is already something else going on (a performance or a lecture) and you already have something built-in to talk about. Whatever you can find, get out there and do it. Even if you don't end up making any friends, you weren't lonely for those few hours, and that will get the anti-loneliness chemicals going in your body and that will make you feel better overall. Even if it's difficult the first few times to put yourself out there, it will get easier by the third time, I promise.<br />
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I guess a more important topic would be figuring out how to prevent loneliness in the first place. To that, I have a few suggestions:<br />
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1. Don't let your friendships lapse. We all get busy, we all have limited time, but we also have to remember that we are also all going to lose loved ones at one time or another. While we might not feel like keeping our dress pants on and meeting that friend for dinner after a long day of work, in the long run it will yield a better result than sitting home alone in our comfy pants watching Netflix alone. Also, don't always wait for your friends to call you. If you have a spare moment, give them a call or send them a text letting them know you're thinking about them. A little word of encouragement can go a long way for a person going through a rough time, and chances are if you are there for them in their time of need, then they will reciprocate and be there for you. <br />
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It doesn't take much. If you're at the store and you see a fancy bar of chocolate with a panda on the label, and your friend loves pandas, buy the candy bar and give it to her the next time you see her, telling her it made you think of her. Or if you see a funny friendship card that reminds you of a far away friend, get it and take 30 seconds to sign it and put it in the mailbox. Or take the time to drop off some soup to a friend who is under the weather. These things don't take too much time or extra effort but they can make all the difference in keeping a friendship alive. Much like with marriage, if you don't consciously cultivate the relationship, the more likely it is to die on the vine from neglect.<br />
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Here's another idea: Try hosting casual get-togethers instead of intimidating dinner parties. Instead of watching Jeopardy by yourself for the hundredth time, record a bunch of shows in a row, invite some people over, put out some chips and have a Jeopardy party. People can come in their pajamas and instead of having to worry about making scintillating dinner conversation, there's already a built in activity that will most likely end up being fun and even rowdy. If Jeopardy's not your thing, then have a "Cleaning out the Freezer" party, where people can come and help you eat up the leftovers that are taking up space in your freezer. Here's a personal favorite of mine: If you're going to be repainting a room, invite people over beforehand to paint whatever they want on it. They can paint cartoons, a mural, graffiti, whatever; but there's something incredibly fun and kind of "exuberantly rule-breaking" about painting something on a wall. You're going to paint over it anyway, so it's just for fun, and it can be a really terrific time for everyone involved. Don't overthink your get-togethers, just take whatever you already like to do and bring some people into it. <br />
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2. Practice showing people consideration who aren't your friends. This will help you to practice your social skills in a non-judgmental, low-risk environment. It takes very little to acknowledge the people who generally feel invisible but your recognition will most likely be felt in a big way. For example, I always take a moment to thank the person who is collecting the shopping carts in the parking lot. Sometimes I get a response and sometimes I don't, but it doesn't matter. I'm doing it to show them that I see them, their presence is important, and that what they are doing is appreciated. Inside a store, when the cashier or clerk asks me how I'm doing today, I always respond and ask them back. (To be honest, most of the time I don't really care about their answer, but this is how a friendly world operates and that's the kind of world I'd like to live in.) I also think it's important to acknowledge your fellow human beings when you're on a walk or a hike. Sometimes it's just a nod, sometimes just a smile, sometimes it's a verbal "Hello" or "Good morning." But it's so refreshing to have these interactions so that we're reminded we're not alone in the world.<br />
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3. If you are a parent, please please please LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN!! This is vital to a child's self-esteem and can make all the difference when they want to open themselves up and be vulnerable to another person. Even if you've had a long day, even if you can barely keep your eyes open, even if there are dishes to wash and laundry to be folded and emails to return, <b>take the time to listen to them</b> <b>and acknowledge what they have to say</b>. I understand that all you want your preschooler to do is go to bed and that the last thing you want to hear is them repeating for the fifteenth time that they got to pass out the play dough today...but listen and smile and tell her how proud you are of her anyway. Not only is it your job to do this, but it is also a precious thing to remember when ten years from that moment the teenager has nothing to say to you about her day at school or her time at the mall with her friends. Keep in the front of your mind that this time will not last forever and it is now or never to forge a bond with your child. There is no way to build a foundation after a house is built, nor is there a way to build a healthy and trusting relationship with your child after the fact.<br />
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Here's what listening to your child - and I mean really, mindfully listening and reacting appropriately, not just absentmindedly nodding while playing Words With Friends on your phone - does. You are providing them with the single most important thing that any human being can provide to someone they love. You are showing them <u>that they matter</u>. You're not just telling them, you are showing them in a very tangible way. This does wonders for a youngster's self-esteem and has positive long lasting effects that you may not even know about. A regularly ignored child ends up having a sisyphean struggle throughout his or her life yearning to be validated while worrying that they aren't worthy of validation in the first place. Adults who crave attention didn't get enough of it in their childhoods and often don't realize it when they are being intrusive or annoying to others. Their unfulfilled need to be noticed was ingrained while their brains and emotions were still developing at a very basic level. The subsequent behaviors have a tendency to push people away, which can result in isolation, loneliness, and despair at not being able to fit in. So if you want what is best for your child (translation: a happy and healthy life from childhood through adulthood) please please please listen to what they have to say. If you do the listening while they are young and naturally want to talk to you, they will most likely relish you listening to them when they get older as well. <br />
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There's a reason why there's the saying, "It takes a village." In other countries and cultures it is very common for have two or three generations living together under one roof. Conversely, it seems like in America, branching out on one's own and moving away from the family is more the norm and "what people do to be considered successful." While I understand that people need their space and it can be cumbersome to always have family members underfoot, in those other cultures it's pretty difficult to be lonely. Or feel unsupported. Or unloved. Or completely alone. Which I believe is the point of those living situations.<br />
<br />
Now of course there are loners - people who are naturally predisposed to enjoy alone time and who feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable in social situations. There are also people who are naturally shy and prefer fewer personal interactions overall. But there is a big difference between "alone time" and "lonely time." <br />
<br />
Here's the thing about loneliness: It's painful. It can feel like the marrow is being sucked out of your bones leaving you empty, fragile, and despondent. It can unearth horrible of feelings of inequality and unfulfilled desires in a person's psyche and lead them to the conviction that there is something fundamentally flawed about them. When no one is available when someone needs help or a friendly ear to listen, loneliness is an extremely unwelcome guest who fills the air with darkness and desperate longing. It has the power to push a person who may be teetering on the edge of depression over into the deep black depths of despair, which is also a very significant reason why loneliness can lead to an earlier death.<br />
<br />
Homo sapiens are, by design, a social species. When we do not get the social interaction that we physically and emotionally need, our brains go into self-preservation mode, the same way that a human will try to survive in the midst of severe hunger or thirst. Physiologically, loneliness can raise our levels of the stress hormone cortisol, resulting in high blood pressure and a compromised immune system. On a practical level, lonely people are more likely to perish in a fire, forget to take their medication, or be left for days undiscovered if they are in a fatal accident of some kind at home.<br />
<br />
Simply put, we all need human interaction and to experience sociality. The root of loneliness is feeling unworthy and unwanted, which you are NOT! Whatever you do, DO NOT give into the loneliness and believe that it is just your destiny. You were put on this Earth for a reason and <i>you are</i> <i>worthy of friendships and love because you exist</i>. When loneliness comes calling, shut the door in its face and pick up the phone instead. Nourish your relationships. Fill your lunch hours and spare time with social interactions. Don't just fall back into the comfy pants - they'll still be there when you come back home.Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-19292117209579497012017-03-16T15:02:00.001-07:002017-03-16T15:02:12.150-07:00Turn Off The Voices Part 3There's a fantastic song by Kacey Musgraves called "Follow Your Arrow." Here are some of the lyrics:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you can't lose the weight then you're just fat</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But if you lose too much then you're on crack</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So you might as well just do whatever you want</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Can't win for losing you just disappoint 'em</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just 'cause you can't beat 'em don't mean you should join 'em</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Say what you feel, love who you love</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">'Cause you just get so many trips 'round the sun</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yeah you only live once</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So follow your arrow wherever it points</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yeah, follow your arrow wherever it points.</span><br />
<br />
The message of the song is of course, to just be yourself no matter what anyone else thinks. Same as the message of so many books, movies, songs, and every episode of Sesame Street. I agree wholeheartedly with this message and I hope that everyone who is reading this blog isn't afraid to be 100%, wholly, authentically themselves every minute of every day. Because that can really be the key to having a happy life - living it the way you are truly meant to. <br />
<br />
What I also want to address in this third installment of what has become my "Turn Off the Voices" series, is the simple and unpleasant fact that no matter what we do, we will be judged. By someone. By someones. By a lot of people or just by a few. But no matter what, somebody will be judging us for every moment that we are living fully as our authentic selves.<br />
<br />
Why is that? From an anthropological standpoint I don't really know. I suppose the earliest people compared themselves to one another from a purely procreational standpoint - the stronger the man, the better hunter and provider he would be? The more feminine the woman, the more she resembled and emitted survivalist motherly characteristics? I honestly don't know if current human behavior can be traced back to our earlier models. But here's what I do know:<br />
<br />
No matter how hard you try, there is going to be someone who doesn't want to you to succeed.<br />
No matter how good you are at something, there is going to be someone who thinks they are better.<br />
No matter how highly you think of yourself, there is going to be someone who doesn't agree.<br />
No matter what your intentions are, there is going to be someone who doesn't "get" what you're trying to do. <br />
<br />
No matter all of these things....because they don't matter.<br />
<br />
In the grand scheme of things and on a day-to-day basis. They simply don't matter.<br />
<br />
The naysayers don't matter. The dragger-downers, the joy-stealers, the bull-headed self-righteous snobs, and the too-sad-to-understand-how-someone-else-could-be-happy people <b>don't matter</b>. <br />
<br />
They want so desperately to matter though. They need to pull the happy people down to their miserable level to help make themselves feel better about themselves and their lives. They derive satisfaction from crushing other people's dreams and insulting their way of doing things. There will always be these kinds of joy-suckers who will gladly ruin your life if you let them.<br />
<br />
The trick is NOT. TO. LET. THEM.<br />
<br />
The trick is realizing that it's not you who has a problem, it's THEM.<br />
<br />
The trick is being strong enough in your own self-worth that it doesn't matter what anyone else says about you, you KNOW that you are good enough just the way you are right now. <br />
<br />
How can you know this to your very core? It's not just looking in the mirror and repeating affirmations to your reflection every day (although I'm told this helps a lot). It's realizing on an intrinsically deep level that the very fact that you are standing on this Earth means that you are worthy to be here. You are worthy to be happy and fulfilled simply because you exist. It was a million to one chance that you would be born and it's a million to one chance that you are still here. Always remember that you are a miracle, that your life is a gift, and it is up to you to spend it either squandering away precious moments on what some rude person said, or letting that nonsense roll off of you, leaving you free to enjoy every glorious living moment you can. <br />
<br />
To that, you need to make the choice to surround yourself with people who will lift you up and support you and share in your happiness. You need to make the choice to let go of those people in your life who no longer fit your vision of yourself, the same way you get rid of clothing that is old or stained or doesn't fit well any more. If someone is going to disrespect you or put you down then <i>you do not need them in your life. </i>Period. <br />
<br />
We're going to be judged no matter what we do. That's a bummer, but knowing that fact frees us up to consciously do whatever makes us happy since the unsolicited judgment is coming regardless. As Kacey put it so eloquently, we're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't so we might as well do whatever we want...and not waste our time and effort worrying about what anyone else might be thinking. <br />
<br />
P.S. It's also a lot easier to feel less judged when we stop judging others. It's amazing how that works.Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-11814819820591124822017-03-16T12:40:00.002-07:002017-03-16T12:40:25.134-07:00Turn Off the Voices Part 2Sometimes I'm amazed at how many people feel the need to weigh in on my life and the choices I've made. And they usually do so quite vocally and directly to my face. Do I give off a vibe that says "Please, come and judge me and make sure it's mean and unhelpful?" <br />
<br />
I must, because so many people do it to me, whether it's a clothing choice, or a life decision, or my music, or my non-profit - people just can't seem to get the hang of saying, "Good job," or "Nice work," or "Love what you've done with the place."<br />
<br />
While I know that none of these judgments should affect me or my choices in any way, the words and actions directed toward me do hurt, especially when they come from people who claim to care about me and my well being.<br />
<br />
Here's an example: Years ago a close family member was visiting our new house. We were so excited, happily showing him around, gleefully pointing out this or that, and then about halfway through the tour he looks up at wall, shakes his head and exclaims, "I've never seen so many pictures in one house! Why are there so many pictures?" (He's talking about photographs of loved ones, not painted art.) After letting the indignation at trying to steal my joy settle down, I responded this way, "Well, people fill their houses with what they like to look at, so that's what I like to look at." He didn't say anything, but just kept on shaking his head in disgust. <br />
<br />
Here's what I wanted to say:<br />
"Do you live here? Is it any of your business what I care to put into it?"<br />
"Did you pay for this house? (No.) So what do you care what I hang on the walls?"<br />
"Just because your house has absolutely no photos in it, or anything remotely personal at all, and it's cold and impersonal and looks like a show home at all times even though you've lived there for 40 years doesn't mean that that's the only right way to do it!"<br />
"Don't you have any manners? Don't you know that even if you are thinking something unkind the polite thing to do is to keep it to yourself?!!"<br />
<br />
Of course I said none of these things but every time he visits now I brace myself for the rude, unsolicited comments about my inappropriate decorating choices.<br />
<br />
So annoying and uncalled for.<br />
<br />
Another example: About 13 years ago we had house guests staying with us for a few days. We showed them around the city, provided several meals for them, and prior to them arriving we cleaned and prepared the house for their arrival and stay. (Quick backstory: at this time I was working on Sunday mornings and I had this thing about how I liked to be the one who got first crack at the Sunday paper. I didn't get upset if I didn't, but it was just one of those little things in life that brought me joy. So my husband would always leave the complete untouched paper for me out on the table for when I got home and I would get the chance to open it up myself. It was actually a very sweet and romantic gesture because there were times when he would carefully pull the comics out, read them, and then refold them and put them back exactly where they were so I could have my little bit of fun. I realize this all sounds perfectly silly and inconsequential, but it was our thing and we enjoyed it.) So I got home on Sunday around noon, greeted everyone (they were just sitting around reading and relaxing contentedly), sat down at the dining room table with my full, unmarred Sunday paper, and started happily pulling out my favorite sections: the puzzles, the comics, Parade magazine, Life and Arts, the coupons, etc. and put the rest of the paper aside. One of our guests got up from the couch, came over, watched what I was doing and asked, "Is that all you're going to read?" I looked up, realized that this might have been considered rude, so I held out the removed sections and said, "Oh I'm sorry, did you want to read these? You can have them." He looked down at me disgustedly and said, "No. Is that ALL you're going to read?" I looked at the sections in my hand, then at the pile of the rest of the paper, then up at him and said, "Umm...yes, for now." He shook his head like he was terribly offended and asked again, "That's IT?" I looked down at my paper and suddenly waves of shame started washing over me. Without waiting for an answer, he turned and walked out of the room, continuing to shake his head like he was appalled by even the sight of me.<br />
<br />
Seems like a ridiculous little exchange doesn't it? But the truth is, even though this happened more than 13 years ago, nearly every time I riffle through my intact Sunday paper, I feel a little pang of pain, remembering what he said and how much it hurt my feelings. I know that I should not let this person's opinion of me affect anything I do in my daily life whatsoever, but unfortunately it has stayed with me to this day. I still hear his judgmental voice and see the shaking of his head, both stealing away my joy and replacing it with my all too familiar self-reproach.<br />
<br />
Again, why did this person, who claims to be my friend and care about me, give a horse's behind about what sections of the Sunday paper I chose to read? Was it offensive to him in particular that I wasn't devouring Op-Eds or Real Estate? Why did he care so much about my bad (in his mind) choices that he had to speak up in front of everyone to point them out? Why was it more important to him to make sure I knew just how exasperated he was with me than to even consider for a moment how it might make me feel. <br />
<br />
What I wanted to say:<br />
"You're welcome for all of the meals I've made, for all of the time I've taken to show you around, and for allowing you to stay with us in the first place."<br />
"You're welcome for all of the time and effort it took to get the guest room and bathroom clean and ready for your arrival."<br />
"You're welcome for all of the times that I held my tongue and didn't express to you exactly what I thought of the choices you were making or the things you were doing."<br />
"You're welcome for treating you the way I would want to be treated even though you can't possibly return the favor."<br />
<br />
Just one more example: On my most recent CD I was working with a studio engineer who was also a wanna be musician/recording artist. He had found no success in his music career so he started a recording studio instead. I hired him as an engineer (not as a producer) to record some vocal tracks that I could send to my producer in another state. In one session (that turned out to be my last with this guy) I was singing one of my original songs to get a reference take and all of a sudden he comes bursting out of the booth yelling, "Hold it, hold it, stop singing, this song needs some work." He proceeds to take my lyric sheet off of the music stand, picks up a pencil, and starts <i>crossing off lyrics from the sheet.</i> Literally. He was going through the song saying, "You don't need this, you don't need this, we get it...this is too repetitive, cut this chorus and go straight to the bridge," etc. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I reminded him that the song itself was already finished, the instrumental backing tracks had already been recorded, all that was left to do was to record the vocal. To which he responded, "Well you're just going to have to re-record all of it this way."<br />
<br />
WHAT?! <br />
<br />
Not only was this my 4th professional CD recording, not only had I worked with several other engineers and producers who would never have dreamed of doing something incredibly offensive like this, but when I spoke to other engineers in the field about this they all responded unanimously with things like, "Wow! That was incredibly unethical and out of line. That's not how things are done when you're a professional." I had another engineer who fancied himself a producer try to change a chord progression and the time signature in one of my originals. Not his place, not his job, and not the way it works with people who actually know what they're doing.<br />
<br />
I had become friendly with one of the studio musicians who worked frequently with the first guy and after the whole situation happened I asked him, "What was that all about?" To which he answered, "Well, you're too nice."<br />
<br />
Too nice. I'm so nice that people feel completely comfortable walking all over me like a plush carpet.<br />
<br />
Apparently I'm also so nice that people have absolutely no problem with tossing good manners out the window and returning gifts I've given to them directly back to me. <br />
<br />
Yes, you read that correctly. Over the past 20 years or so, I have had 6 different people accept gifts from me, and then either at that moment, or at a later date, give them right back to me, telling me either that they didn't want it, it wasn't their style, or they couldn't use it. One person did it twice. <br />
<br />
Those of you who know me know that I love giving gifts. I do it for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and very often just for no other reason than I saw something I thought someone would like so I got it, wrapped it, and gave it to them. While I try to be an extremely thoughtful gift giver, of course I miss the mark sometimes. Everyone does. So how should a person react when they are given a gift they'd rather not have?<br />
<br />
(I know the answer to this because it has happened to me many times.)<br />
1. Thank the gift giver graciously, either in person or in a note of some kind, remembering that the giver took time, effort, and money to purchase and wrap this tangible expression of thoughtfulness expressly for you.<br />
2. If the gift has been sent through the mail, always let the person know that it arrived - this is an item that falls under the category of "common courtesy" that many people tend to forgo.<br />
<br />
If you don't like the gift, or can't see yourself using it you have a few options:<br />
1. Find out where it was purchased and try to return it to the store.<br />
2. Rewrap and regift it to someone whom the original giver does not know.<br />
3. Donate it to a charity of your choice (be careful about trying to resell it online if the giver visits the same sites that you do).<br />
<br />
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IN A CIVILIZED SOCIETY IS THE POLITE THING TO DO IS TO RETURN IT DIRECTLY TO THE GIVER LETTNG THEM KNOW IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS JUST HOW MUCH YOU DON'T LIKE IT!!!!<br />
<br />
I can't believe that things like that need to be pointed out to the grown-up, adult, college-educated people I used to know. (And yes, I call them ones that I used to know because I do not need the overt callousness of those unhappy, rude, and unappreciative people who had the gall to do that to me in my life any longer.)<br />
<br />
I guess because I'm generally a pretty easygoing person, people see me as a low-risk opportunity in which they can show their true selves. But I know plenty of women who are not as agreeable, who are not as laid back, and whom no one would dare treat as unkindly as I have been treated. Does that mean I need to change who I am to avoid harsh judgment? Is it possible to be a nice, happy, non-confrontational person who doesn't get bombarded with judgment and criticism at regular intervals along the way? <br />
<br />
Answer? No. Better answer? No, but I don't care. My constant criticizers have no place in my life, and more importantly, no place in my head.<br />
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<!--EndFragment-->Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3193750567772052619.post-41193088884591680332017-03-16T11:04:00.001-07:002017-03-16T11:04:32.778-07:00Turn Off the Voices Part 1I am so incredibly sick of judgmental people. I seem to find them everywhere I go and they are all abundantly comfortable spewing out their judgements of me and of people I care about, knowing entirely in their hearts that they are 100% right and anyone who may disagree with them, even slightly, is 100% wrong. Negative judgement of others seems to be en vogue right now, and it feels like the more judgements a person can sling on social media the better. It shows the world around them that they care (doesn't really matter about what) and that they are not afraid to blast their righteousness emphatically, out loud, with guns blazing. Yes, pun intended.<br />
<br />
I'm so tired of it all. I'm rarely on social media for that, among other reasons. But I realized that most of the outside judgements I struggle with on a daily basis aren't coming from other people. They are coming from inside my head (originally placed there by other people). They are the voices telling me over and over again that I'm not good enough, that I'm not smart enough to make the right choices for myself and my family, and that I shouldn't open my heart up to hope and trust because I will inevitably get hurt if I do. I know that many of us have to deal with these voices inside of our heads that have made intrinsic neural pathways in our brains. For us, it's a reflex, and these judgments are as a natural as breathing and walking. It takes tremendous, dogged, and very specific effort to change these automatic synapses, and I'm on a very determined mission to try.<br />
<br />
I've been thinking recently about what I'm calling "Conditional Judgements." As in, someone who has very strong opinions about something but may change his/her opinion about his/her staunchly steadfast convictions depending upon the condition. For example, I know a woman who was raised in a community where if you did not marry within their specific faith you would be judged, and most likely shunned and abandoned. This woman ended up having a series of horrible tragedies happen in her young life, and when she finally found love with a person outside of her faith, the same people who would have shunned her said things like, "She's been through so much pain, she <i>deserves</i> to have some happiness." Which makes me wonder 1. How strong were those convictions to begin with, if you can easily toss them aside? 2. Why does a person's deservedness to be happy have to be based on a condition of former unhappiness? Does a person who has suffered a lot deserve to be truly happy more than a person who hasn't suffered as much? Isn't every person on the planet entitled to as much happiness as they can possibly glean from this one life we all get?<br />
<br />
Another example: If a person who is tremendously unhappy in a job but is making good money, decides to quit that job and take a job with less pay but a healthier work environment, that person is often judged by people who will say, "How could you leave that job? You were making so much money? Who cares if your soul was being eaten away daily by the stress and tyrannical atmosphere of the place?" BUT, if a person <i>loses</i> that job, and has to take a job with less pay, everyone is much more sympathetic and understanding. They will say things like, "It's good that you got out of there because it was making you so miserable. Now you can find something that will be better for you." Again, why does a person's happiness have to depend on what happens to them, rather than the choices we make for ourselves? There are plenty of poor people who are happy and just as many rich people who aren't.<br />
<br />
I have found that judgmental people are also usually hypocrites, and those who judge others most harshly are doing so because they are ashamed of that same behavior that they find in themselves. The working mother who admonishes the stay-at-home mom for not working outside the home often does so because she feels guilty about leaving her children at day care every day. The bully who teases the "nerdy" kid is secretly upset about his learning disability that interferes with him getting good grades. The diet-obsessed woman who thinks fat people are stupid losers is terrified of gaining weight and becoming one of them. And the unhappy people who consistently put down the cheerful ones just can't seem to get a handle on feeling true happiness themselves.<br />
<br />
No one likes to be judged. And there is most definitely a difference between constructive criticism and judgement. If someone lovingly offers advice to help someone so that their work, their school project, their performance, their health, etc. <i>before it is completed</i> <i>and therefore can be changed</i>, I'm in favor of that, especially if it comes from a place of actually caring about the person and wanting them to succeed. If the criticism comes <i>after something is completed</i>, then it's just disapproval and judgement. Which no one needs. Ever.<br />
<br />
Example: I used to have a friend who was extremely critical of everything I did. I redecorated my kitchen years ago and I absolutely loved it. This friend of mine walked in, slowly turned around evaluating the change, then started in with the critiques: "Why did you do this? What's with that? Oh wow, I would have NEVER done this," on and on and on. To this day I'm not sure why she felt the need to be so harsh about a place where she wasn't living. Was it so offensive to her that she could no longer come over when invited? This same friend had a reaction I will never forget when I sent her one of my original CDs. I was very proud of the accomplishment and how it turned out after the years of work that it took to complete it. She had since moved away (was it my kitchen that drove her away?) and so called me from across the time zones to say this: "Thanks for the CD, it sounds great...if I had a criticism it would be..." and off she went, letting me know everything that was wrong with it. To which I wanted to respond, "Why do you HAVE to have a critcism?!?! I guess she just couldn't help herself. No matter what I put in front of her, she was going to HAVE TO have a criticism. Not to mention that her criticism had no point because the CD was done. Finished. Completed. Nothing could be changed. So if her words couldn't yield any kind of improvement to meet her approval, why bother saying them at all? <br />
<br />
Answer: Because, quite simply. She was a critic. At least to me. I can't speak of how she treated others, but in my case she found an easy mark and took every opportunity to cut me down and try to dull my shine. Sadly, I know, and have known, many many people like her.<br />
<br />
There are some brilliant lines from the film Ratatouille that go like this:<br />
<span style="background-color: #fcfae7; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so." </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
So true. People spend immense amounts of time, effort, and money creating something dear to their hearts like a film, or a book, or an art exhibit, and then all it takes is a few unkind words from a critic to have it disappear into oblivion. Money is lost, hopes and dreams get shattered, and the person feels like all of their years of hard work were essentially wasted because one random person didn't "get" it. It's really tragic, and the saddest part is, it happens all the time.<br />
<br />
So it seems that those of us who put ourselves out there in any way for others to judge us - in our art, our writing, our cooking, our clothing style, our mannerisms, our speaking voice, the list goes on and on - have a choice. We can choose to either not put ourselves out there and risk feeling the hurt of rejection, criticism and judgment (often by people who don't have any idea of what we were trying to say or accomplish), OR, we can keep doing what we're doing and consciously force ourselves to not care what anyone else says or thinks about it. Because more often than not, the roots of judgment are jealousy, fear, anger, unfulfilled desire, dashed hopes, envy, sadness, resentment, skepticism, and mistrust. <br />
<br />
These are strong emotions who truly have voices all their own. It is up to us to turn off those voices, whether they are coming from others or within our own heads. Because no matter what we do, the critics only have power if we let them.Rachiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12678734881690750517noreply@blogger.com0