Last night my husband and I went to see one of our son's final performances in his high school jazz band. It was a swing dance in the gym, where all of the jazz bands from the surrounding schools came to play in a fun, dance hall setting. We had a great time, and as much as I love seeing my son perform, since it was cold and snowy out, the tiny, inertia-inspired part of me honestly wasn't thrilled about leaving my couch cocoon and putting on real pants.
Anyway, we went, we had a wonderful time, we hung out for a bit afterwards schmoozing with some of the parents and teachers, and eventually strolled out to the parking lot, happy and warm on the inside from such a fabulous evening. We got to the car and there was a woman standing beside it. She looked at us, put her hand decisively on her hip and spat out angrily, "I've been waiting out here for twenty minutes trying to leave."
Surprised, we looked at our car, then at her car, and then at the mini school bus that had come while we were inside at the event and had parked directly in front of her. It wasn't there when we arrived, we had simply pulled into an empty space behind her, but now we were clearly boxing her in.
YIKES! It was about 25 degrees out, snowing lightly, and I instantly felt so badly that she had been standing out there for so long. (Although presumably she had passed the time somewhat warmly inside her car.) We apologized profusely, jumped into our car as quickly as possible and got the heck out of her way immediately.
As we drove home I continued to feel guilty about the whole situation...for about 30 more seconds. At that point I realized, Wait a minute! There was no reason whatsoever for her to have remained outside in the cold for so long waiting for us! We were in one place at a school, not a big concert hall, and there were only about 50 or so adults still inside by the time we left. She could have very easily come back inside and announced on the microphone that she was boxed in by our make and model of car and license plate number. It would have taken about ten seconds and she could have been happily on her way. Or if she wasn't comfortable making a big announcement, she could have approached the adults she saw, explained her situation to each one, and undoubtedly in less time than she would have been out in the cold, she would have found us, crisis averted.
The point is, she COULD have done SOMETHING to help herself out. She could have taken some measure of control over the situation and taken steps to at least try to rectify it. But instead, she CHOSE to remain in her unhappy situation, no doubt growing angrier and more frustrated by the minute, and was all too happy to unload her frustration on whom she perceived to be the cause of her despair.
It wasn't our fault, we didn't do it on purpose, and while it caused her some inconvenience and discomfort, because we didn't know it about it, we weren't able to fix it for her. With that being the case, the onus was squarely on her to do what she could to make it better. But she didn't. She made the choice to stay out there and remain in the unpleasant situation, blaming others for her misfortune, rather than trying to do something productive to change it.
How often do we do the same thing in our lives? We stay in an unhealthy environment or in less-than-ideal circumstances because we think we have to. We believe that we have no control over our situations no matter how miserable we are or how much we might want them to change. But the truth is, more often than not we DO have some manner of control over our circumstances and we CAN make the conscious choice to stop being a victim, and instead become the heroes of our own stories.
I have mentioned here before about the untenable job situation I was in but felt powerless to leave. Looking back, I should have left within the first few weeks and gotten some other job, ANY other job, that would have prevented me from crying every single night for a year and half. I have a dear friend who is in a miserable marriage and wants to get divorced but is convinced she can't because of money. We box ourselves in, just like the woman in the car, and we stay trapped because we are unable to think outside of that box to see other, perhaps unconventional solutions.
What could I have done so many years ago? Well, I was a college graduate who had some professional work experience so had I quit I could have easily temped at a temp agency until I found a permanent position. Or I could have gone back to retail, which I did when I was in high school and college. Or I could have swallowed my enormous amounts of pride and asked to borrow money from my family or friends until I found something with a salary. The fact that I got a job within weeks of finally leaving that one showed me in hindsight that with my education and skills I most likely would have gotten something sooner rather than later had I left when I should have.
The point is, I was miserable, I was unhappy, I was stuck, and I allowed myself to remain there. There was absolutely positively no reason to. My friend COULD leave her marriage, it wouldn't be easy, it would be mountainously difficult, but she has a healthy functioning body, a college degree, and many years of work experience behind her, so she would undoubtedly land on her feet if she took the leap.
So often we get stuck in "that's just the way it is." If people always thought like that I can't even think about what our country would look like with regard to civil rights and women's rights. If humans always thought like that we'd have no technology or innovations and we'd all still be cooking over a fire and washing our clothes in streams with rocks. Too many times have we settled for "just the way it is," when we could be reaching for "the way it COULD be," and "the way it SHOULD be."
Inertia can be a powerful thing - believe me, I get sucked into inaction as much as anyone. But when we find ourselves in a situation that compromises our happiness or our values or our ideals and prevents us from living the most joyous, fulfilling, spectacular lives possible, I think we need to ask ourselves, "Do I need to stay out here stuck in the snow, waiting for someone else to get me out? Or do I need to examine other choices that I can do NOW, TODAY, AT THIS MOMENT, to take matters into my own hands and break free from the situation I'm in."
Nine times out of ten there will be SOMETHING you can do. Even if it's turning around and noticing the other car when it pulls out in front of you.
Monday, February 26, 2018
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)