No, not that "O" word! Minds out of the gutter please people! :)
I mean the word "overweight."
I have heard this adjective to describe a person's looks for literally as long as I can remember. It occurred to me recently that this is actually a terribly inaccurate way to describe someone. Because when you say that something is "over" something, it implies that the something that it's over is empirically acceptable, and if you stay within that something you will not have to pay a penalty.
For example, the post office has its standard weights and measures, and if a package is oversized or goes beyond the arbitrary standard that someone devised, you have to pay more to ship it. The same goes for freight companies, airline baggage, and for the slicer at the deli. And I understand that. You have to have some standard in place to base prices on.
However, if a person is described as overweight, the implication is that there is some standard that they are supposed to be. Regardless of body type, genetic makeup, cultural background, or lineage. Why is this? Do we call a person whose height measures 7 feet "over-tall?" What about a person who shops in the petite department - are they "over-short?"
Allow me to go on for a moment: If someone has sized 15 feet are their feet "over-long?" If an adult can only find hats that fit in the children's department, is her head "under-sized?" The simple fact is, there is no standard height or weight of a human being so no one can be "over" or "under" anything!
In American culture it is perfectly acceptable to be whatever height you were genetically predestined to be. Same goes for DNA-determined attributes like eye color, hair color, nose length, hand size, etc. But is it NOT socially acceptable to be the weight that some of us were genetically predestined to be, and we have to work very hard daily to combat the genes that make us a certain size. For some of us, it is truly as difficult as trying to change our eye color from the inside.
When I was studying to become an ASL interpreter I met a lot of Deaf people and learned some fundamentals about Deaf culture. What they communicated over and over again was "Don't call me 'hearing impaired!' That makes me sound like I'm a regular hearing person who is broken and therefore defective. I'm NOT! I'm a whole, normal, Deaf person." Being deaf is not a wrong or bad thing. It's simply a part of who they are intrinsically, the same as their hair color, their height, or their shoe size.
The same goes for us that the media would deem "overweight." And while we're usually not paying extra money for our oversized-ness, we are definitely paying for it in shame. Shame from the co-worker who doesn't say "You look so pretty today" but instead says, "That dress is very flattering on you." Or from the photographer who says, "Hmm....turn your head more this way so we don't see the double chin." Or from the relative who says, "Don't wear horizontal stripes dear, it widens you."
Who the hell decided how much space each human being is supposed to take up on the Earth? Why was it established that thin is to be aspired to and anything else means you're a lazy, unhealthy, unworthy person, regardless of what you do or how you treat others? Why are all of the celebrity news stories about how quickly they lost their baby weight or how their new workout regimen allowed them to get their next movie role?
It's really mind-boggling when you think about it, but because it's been drilled into our collective brains for so many generations we believe that, at all costs, thin is better. Which is very interesting because I saw Bo Derek give an interview a few years ago and she said very matter-of-factly, "It's about how the bones line up, I was born with it. But a couple of hundred years ago I would not have been considered beautiful. I would have been the too-skinny scullery maid." In Fiddler on the Roof he laments wanting his wife "looking like rich man's wife with a proper double chin." All of the woman painted during Renaissance times had ample curves and were clearly wealthy enough to have their portraits painted. A woman's natural body was celebrated and if you had some meat on your bones it signified prosperity and affluence.
But ever since Miss Scarlett laced herself into her respiration restricting corset, "the thinner the better" has been the female mantra for beauty and even for acceptance.
Now of course I'm not saying that obese (another "O" word) people are healthy and shouldn't lose weight for a variety of reasons. But at least calling someone obese is the same as calling someone tall or short. It is just a description that doesn't imply a negative comparison against a standard.
We are all a combination of the genes from the thousands and thousands of people from our hereditary line. Even before birth we each got what we got. In Scandinavia, a lot of people got "tall and blond." In Asia, a lot of people got "short with black hair." In Africa, a lot of people got "brown skin and curly hair." These are all socially acceptable monikers, and in some cultures, the more ethnic you look, the more beautiful you are considered. But for us in America, who are a mix of wherever our ancestors came from and whoever else they ended up with, it's the Barbie Doll standard, or you're labeled something derogatory.
Thankfully, things are changing. Fashion designers are limiting the number of anorexic models they hire. Larger-than-usual-sized women are finding success in the entertainment field. A size 16 model was recently featured on the cover of the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated (but not without multiple days of people constantly talking about it and weighing in - pun intended - on their positive and negative thoughts about it.)
It is my hope that the standard continues to change as the mainstream media gains more awareness of the detrimental effect that the pressure to achieve and maintain a certain weight, regardless of one's genetic predisposition, has on girls and women. Calling people "overweight" implies that there is something wrong with them and they are not acceptable just as they are. BUT THERE IS NO STANDARDS OF WEIGHTS AND MEASURES FOR HUMAN BEINGS! We're not being shipped, we're not being packaged for transport, we're just trying to spend the short time we have here on Earth as happily and as peacefully as possible.
Can you let us?
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Nellie Strikes Again...
This post is Part 3 of an apparently continuing saga of a bully that I am dealing with. See previous posts for Parts 1 & 2...
I'll tell you, sometimes things happen and I truly would not believe them if I wasn't there to witness it with my own eyes and ears. Remember when I said that I was so thankful my daughter's marching band season was over so I no longer had to deal with the horrible bully I've nicknamed "Nellie Oleson?" Well, she's back.
Last week I attended my son's jazz band concert. It was actually a school wide concert with all of the music groups participating so the concert band was performing too. (Nellie's son is in that.) My son told me specifically where to sit so I could have the best vantage point of seeing him, since the stage would be filled with more students than usual. I arrived early, found the perfect seat, and waited for the concert to begin.
A little while later, some people sat behind me and asked if the 2 seats next to me were taken. I politely replied "no," to which they replied, "Oh good, we'll save them for Nellie and her husband."
I groaned inwardly. Ugh! Now I would have to spend the night sitting right next to Nellie. I glanced around for other available seats with the same view but I couldn't find any. "Oh well," I thought to myself, "I won't let this ruin my evening. This will be a good lesson in dealing with uncomfortable, bothersome things. I'll just enjoy the concert in spite of this little misfortune."
So I sat there for a bit longer, silently congratulating myself on how mature and evolved I had become. I felt so proud to be in this place - the old me would have gotten upset and stressed and angry, but the new me just took it all in stride.
Until....
About 3 minutes before the concert, in blustered Nellie. She found the people behind me (whom I presume were her parents) who pointed happily to the seats next to me and said, "Here, we saved you seats!" I got out of my seat on the aisle to graciously let them in. As I did I smiled and said, "Hello..." I was about to follow up with "Nice to see you," but she interrupted to ask her parents, "Is there a seat for Laura?" "They said, "We saved seats for you and Mark." She then looked directly at me and said,
"I need 3."
I paused for a moment...took a breath...kept my composure and said very calmly, "I'm sitting here specifically because it's the best place I can see my son."
She looked at me and said firmly, again,
"But. I. Need. Three."
Now, I suppose I had two choices here: 1. Make a scene in front of an auditorium full of people and insist that I keep my seat (that I had already been sitting in for nearly 30 minutes), or 2. Give up my seat and find another one, about a minute before the concert started.
What did I do?
Exactly what the bully would have me do. I said slowly, "I guess I'll find another seat." I turned and started walking slowly down the aisle checking for a single seat somewhere.
She called after me, "If you can't find one, let me know."
I honestly couldn't believe what had just happened. It was like I was walking in slow motion as I was saying to myself, "I can't believe what just happened! I just got kicked out of my seat at a school band concert!"
That's Nellie for you.
Luckily, I caught the eye of a friend of mine whom I had texted minutes earlier lamenting the fact that I was going to be stuck sitting next to Nellie. I gestured behind me, gave her a look, she understood, and immediately asked the person in front of her if there was an available seat. She waved me over, I climbed over several people (who would not stand up to let me through by the way) and landed in a new seat, just as the lights were going down. I whispered a quick thanks to my friend and I couldn't tell you what songs the choir opened the concert with because my mind was trying to process what had just transpired.
Definition of a bully: a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker. Synonyms: persecutor, tyrant, tormentor.
Nellie definitely fits those synonyms. I would argue she would have given Pol Pot, Hitler, and Mao Zedong a run for their collective monies. But I take umbrage with the part of the definition that calls me "weaker." I don't see me as frail or feeble here. I see it more as me taking the high road, being the bigger person, having enough strength in myself to not let the bully make me feel bad.
But when it comes to bullying, that might be a mistake. When it comes to real bullying, when the object of the bullying gives in, it gives the bully more power. It allows them to add another victory to their tally and helps fortify them to bully again. If no one ever stops them, quite simply, they are never going to stop.
Now in this particular case, taking the moment to teach Nellie that lesson wasn't worth it in the overall scenario. But looking back, I should have stood up to her at those other times last Fall, and then maybe she wouldn't have felt so comfortable kicking me out of my seat at my own kid's concert. She would have seen me, known that I wasn't someone to mess with, and would have figured something else out for her third party.
I realized, me being passive to a bully makes me as much at fault as the bully. I took the abuse! I didn't stand up for myself! Isn't this what we teach our kids to do? I WAS being weak, I WAS allowing someone to treat me in a way that I did not deserve, I did not do ANYTHING to deter the bully's actions, which meant of course she felt free to bully me again.
Tough thing to realize. Which I did not realize that night.
Luckily, in the moment, I took the opportunity to realize that while I did give up my seat, I did not have to give up my enjoyment of the evening. I took the situation as a lesson in not letting someone else steal my joy and reveled in the fact that my new seat was in fact much better than my other one. It turned out that because of the way things were configured, in my old seat I wouldn't have been able to even catch a glimpse of my son while he was on stage. So everything worked out for the best.
Or did it?
Yes, logistically I came out on top. And I would argue that me taking the high road was the right choice because I came out looking better (to anyone who might be looking) and feeling like I was the better person.
But things don't always turn out that way. She could have kicked me out and I could have been left standing in the back somewhere. Nellie winning this "battle of seats" only left her triumphant once again, with more fodder to bully me, or the next person, next time. Which doesn't sit well with me.
People will say things like "Happiness is the best revenge." Which I agree with to a certain degree. Is Nellie unhappy in her life? Incredibly much so. She is hated by most people, by the looks of things she has a very troubled marriage and her kids so far have come to no good end. She seemingly goes out of her way to make the world a more miserable place rather than a better one and she gives off vibes of blackness and cruelty wherever she goes. Truthfully I think she's only happy when she's being mean.
But me being happy in spite of her meanness does nothing to curb her bullying instincts. There has to be more than a bully's objects not letting the bully affect them. That's not enough. Bullies need to be called on what they do and need to be made to realize the negative impacts they have on the people they bully. I believe that every person deep in their hearts wants to be loved and the same goes for the bullies in the world, maybe even more so. No one is born a bully, bullies are made by the events and treatment they have received in their lives.
I know another bully who people constantly make excuses for: She's in pain, she's tired, she's not well.
To which I respond, "I don't care."
I realize that makes me sound unsympathetic and hard-hearted toward people in distress. Not at all. BUT, I have been in constant excruciating pain. I have been so exhausted I couldn't see straight. I have been worried, stressed, preoccupied, sleep-deprived, upset, sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, broken-hearted, frayed, worn out, irritated, etc. and have never bullied anyone. I believe that none of those reasons are EVER an excuse to be mean or rude to someone. None are an excuse to treat a person as less than they are. I don't care what has happened to someone in their life or what they may be going through now - there is never a reason to be a bully.
I looked up what happened to the real Nellie Oleson. It turns out she was a conglomeration of 3 nasty girls that Laura Ingalls Wilder grew up with. Not much is known about their fates since Laura did not keep in touch with any of them, but I feel somewhat vindicated on Laura's behalf that each one got their comeuppance by legions of people all over the world witnessing their bullying and disliking them accordingly.
Interestingly, the actress who played Nellie Oleson on tv has spoken publicly about not being able to get subsequent acting work because she was so vehemently hated by everyone. In fact, more than 30 years after the show went off the air, she was ranked as the #1 worst tv villain of all time. And that's after Game of Thrones started!
That's the tremendous power of a true bully. Their vitriol stays with us, cutting deeply into our well being far longer than they are actually in our lives. It's phenomenally difficult to fight against the forces of a determined bully.
But we have to. As hard as it is, we can never, ever let the bullies win.
How do we do this if we can't stop them? We can be happy in spite of their wanting us not to be. We can not let their horribleness affect our daily lives. We can treat them with respect, the way we'd want them to treat us because we are better people. And we can write about them, much like Laura Ingalls Wilder did, and like I am right now. Because knowledge is power, and even if they think they are getting away with bullying, they're not.
And they never will.
I'll tell you, sometimes things happen and I truly would not believe them if I wasn't there to witness it with my own eyes and ears. Remember when I said that I was so thankful my daughter's marching band season was over so I no longer had to deal with the horrible bully I've nicknamed "Nellie Oleson?" Well, she's back.
Last week I attended my son's jazz band concert. It was actually a school wide concert with all of the music groups participating so the concert band was performing too. (Nellie's son is in that.) My son told me specifically where to sit so I could have the best vantage point of seeing him, since the stage would be filled with more students than usual. I arrived early, found the perfect seat, and waited for the concert to begin.
A little while later, some people sat behind me and asked if the 2 seats next to me were taken. I politely replied "no," to which they replied, "Oh good, we'll save them for Nellie and her husband."
I groaned inwardly. Ugh! Now I would have to spend the night sitting right next to Nellie. I glanced around for other available seats with the same view but I couldn't find any. "Oh well," I thought to myself, "I won't let this ruin my evening. This will be a good lesson in dealing with uncomfortable, bothersome things. I'll just enjoy the concert in spite of this little misfortune."
So I sat there for a bit longer, silently congratulating myself on how mature and evolved I had become. I felt so proud to be in this place - the old me would have gotten upset and stressed and angry, but the new me just took it all in stride.
Until....
About 3 minutes before the concert, in blustered Nellie. She found the people behind me (whom I presume were her parents) who pointed happily to the seats next to me and said, "Here, we saved you seats!" I got out of my seat on the aisle to graciously let them in. As I did I smiled and said, "Hello..." I was about to follow up with "Nice to see you," but she interrupted to ask her parents, "Is there a seat for Laura?" "They said, "We saved seats for you and Mark." She then looked directly at me and said,
"I need 3."
I paused for a moment...took a breath...kept my composure and said very calmly, "I'm sitting here specifically because it's the best place I can see my son."
She looked at me and said firmly, again,
"But. I. Need. Three."
Now, I suppose I had two choices here: 1. Make a scene in front of an auditorium full of people and insist that I keep my seat (that I had already been sitting in for nearly 30 minutes), or 2. Give up my seat and find another one, about a minute before the concert started.
What did I do?
Exactly what the bully would have me do. I said slowly, "I guess I'll find another seat." I turned and started walking slowly down the aisle checking for a single seat somewhere.
She called after me, "If you can't find one, let me know."
I honestly couldn't believe what had just happened. It was like I was walking in slow motion as I was saying to myself, "I can't believe what just happened! I just got kicked out of my seat at a school band concert!"
That's Nellie for you.
Luckily, I caught the eye of a friend of mine whom I had texted minutes earlier lamenting the fact that I was going to be stuck sitting next to Nellie. I gestured behind me, gave her a look, she understood, and immediately asked the person in front of her if there was an available seat. She waved me over, I climbed over several people (who would not stand up to let me through by the way) and landed in a new seat, just as the lights were going down. I whispered a quick thanks to my friend and I couldn't tell you what songs the choir opened the concert with because my mind was trying to process what had just transpired.
Definition of a bully: a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker. Synonyms: persecutor, tyrant, tormentor.
Nellie definitely fits those synonyms. I would argue she would have given Pol Pot, Hitler, and Mao Zedong a run for their collective monies. But I take umbrage with the part of the definition that calls me "weaker." I don't see me as frail or feeble here. I see it more as me taking the high road, being the bigger person, having enough strength in myself to not let the bully make me feel bad.
But when it comes to bullying, that might be a mistake. When it comes to real bullying, when the object of the bullying gives in, it gives the bully more power. It allows them to add another victory to their tally and helps fortify them to bully again. If no one ever stops them, quite simply, they are never going to stop.
Now in this particular case, taking the moment to teach Nellie that lesson wasn't worth it in the overall scenario. But looking back, I should have stood up to her at those other times last Fall, and then maybe she wouldn't have felt so comfortable kicking me out of my seat at my own kid's concert. She would have seen me, known that I wasn't someone to mess with, and would have figured something else out for her third party.
I realized, me being passive to a bully makes me as much at fault as the bully. I took the abuse! I didn't stand up for myself! Isn't this what we teach our kids to do? I WAS being weak, I WAS allowing someone to treat me in a way that I did not deserve, I did not do ANYTHING to deter the bully's actions, which meant of course she felt free to bully me again.
Tough thing to realize. Which I did not realize that night.
Luckily, in the moment, I took the opportunity to realize that while I did give up my seat, I did not have to give up my enjoyment of the evening. I took the situation as a lesson in not letting someone else steal my joy and reveled in the fact that my new seat was in fact much better than my other one. It turned out that because of the way things were configured, in my old seat I wouldn't have been able to even catch a glimpse of my son while he was on stage. So everything worked out for the best.
Or did it?
Yes, logistically I came out on top. And I would argue that me taking the high road was the right choice because I came out looking better (to anyone who might be looking) and feeling like I was the better person.
But things don't always turn out that way. She could have kicked me out and I could have been left standing in the back somewhere. Nellie winning this "battle of seats" only left her triumphant once again, with more fodder to bully me, or the next person, next time. Which doesn't sit well with me.
People will say things like "Happiness is the best revenge." Which I agree with to a certain degree. Is Nellie unhappy in her life? Incredibly much so. She is hated by most people, by the looks of things she has a very troubled marriage and her kids so far have come to no good end. She seemingly goes out of her way to make the world a more miserable place rather than a better one and she gives off vibes of blackness and cruelty wherever she goes. Truthfully I think she's only happy when she's being mean.
But me being happy in spite of her meanness does nothing to curb her bullying instincts. There has to be more than a bully's objects not letting the bully affect them. That's not enough. Bullies need to be called on what they do and need to be made to realize the negative impacts they have on the people they bully. I believe that every person deep in their hearts wants to be loved and the same goes for the bullies in the world, maybe even more so. No one is born a bully, bullies are made by the events and treatment they have received in their lives.
I know another bully who people constantly make excuses for: She's in pain, she's tired, she's not well.
To which I respond, "I don't care."
I realize that makes me sound unsympathetic and hard-hearted toward people in distress. Not at all. BUT, I have been in constant excruciating pain. I have been so exhausted I couldn't see straight. I have been worried, stressed, preoccupied, sleep-deprived, upset, sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, broken-hearted, frayed, worn out, irritated, etc. and have never bullied anyone. I believe that none of those reasons are EVER an excuse to be mean or rude to someone. None are an excuse to treat a person as less than they are. I don't care what has happened to someone in their life or what they may be going through now - there is never a reason to be a bully.
I looked up what happened to the real Nellie Oleson. It turns out she was a conglomeration of 3 nasty girls that Laura Ingalls Wilder grew up with. Not much is known about their fates since Laura did not keep in touch with any of them, but I feel somewhat vindicated on Laura's behalf that each one got their comeuppance by legions of people all over the world witnessing their bullying and disliking them accordingly.
Interestingly, the actress who played Nellie Oleson on tv has spoken publicly about not being able to get subsequent acting work because she was so vehemently hated by everyone. In fact, more than 30 years after the show went off the air, she was ranked as the #1 worst tv villain of all time. And that's after Game of Thrones started!
That's the tremendous power of a true bully. Their vitriol stays with us, cutting deeply into our well being far longer than they are actually in our lives. It's phenomenally difficult to fight against the forces of a determined bully.
But we have to. As hard as it is, we can never, ever let the bullies win.
How do we do this if we can't stop them? We can be happy in spite of their wanting us not to be. We can not let their horribleness affect our daily lives. We can treat them with respect, the way we'd want them to treat us because we are better people. And we can write about them, much like Laura Ingalls Wilder did, and like I am right now. Because knowledge is power, and even if they think they are getting away with bullying, they're not.
And they never will.
Monday, January 18, 2016
All we have is now.
I just learned that a childhood friend's father passed away. He was a prominent figure in our hometown and he's one of those people who can honestly say that he left the world a little better as a result of his being here.
His death comes on the heels of several recent deaths in the entertainment industry: David Bowie at the age of 69, Alan Rickman also aged 69, Rene Angelil at 73, and Glen Frey at 67. Of course these are just 4 well-known public figures among the millions of people who have died in the past week, leaving behind grieving loved ones.
While I understand that death is inevitable for all of us, what strikes me as the most tragic thing about it is the finality of it. I realize that sounds like an incredibly asinine thing to say - of course it's final, it's DEATH! But when I think about how wholly, truly, completely final it is, that's what makes me sad and a little bit scared too.
Because each one of those people who is no longer walking around on the Earth had things that they still wanted to do. Probably lots of things, that they just assumed they'd have time for. And then their time ran out.
There is a quote from Alan Rickman going around where he talks about "when I'm 80." Sadly, he fell short of that goal by 11 years. In Nora Ephron's last book she mentions what she's going to be doing in her eighties. She passed away at 71. When I think about these people what strikes me is that fact that we never know how much time we're going to have. And if we do have ample time, we don't know that we'll be in the physical or mental shape to be able to accomplish what we want to. Which means that if there's something that you want to do, or feel you need to do at some point in your lifetime,
DO IT. NOW.
Or as close to now as you can get.
It is my hope that when people do draw their dying breaths they will feel like they lived the life they wanted to, and were supposed to, as much as was possible. I hope that people won't feel like they've wasted their time on things that weren't important to them. I especially hope they don't feel like they could have accomplished things and followed their dreams but waited too long to make them happen.
I knew a colleague many years ago who was in her late thirties and wanted more than anything to have a baby. She was not going to be complete in her life without a child to raise. She was unmarried, with no serious prospects for a mate, and I remember some of us asking her, if this is so important to you, why not adopt a baby, or volunteer at the NICU, or become a nanny, or do something that would at least get her closer to her life's dream. She would have none of it. If it didn't happen the picture perfect way she wanted it to happen, then it wasn't going to happen at all.
I wonder how often we pigeonhole ourselves by looking at our goals in a singular way. I've seen many times how dreams can sometime manifest themselves without our even noticing. They may not look like the original dreams we had, but they may be just as satisfying in a different incarnation.
For example, we recently attended a house concert by an amazing musician who was touring around the country. He explained that when he first started pursuing music full time as a profession, he had dreams of being picked up by a major record label, recording albums of original music, and touring around the world. He had been feeling pretty badly that fifteen years later this dream of his was still out of reach until he had a revelation in a tiny bar in a tiny midwestern town he had never heard of. There he was, in the "middle of nowhere" and a bunch of people he had never met before had come out to this place just to see him and were singing along to all of his songs. As he was experiencing this he realized, "My dream has actually come true. While I don't have an official record label, I AM making a living as a musician, I HAVE recorded several CDs of my music, I HAVE been touring around the country, and the world, for the past several years, and best of all, my music is out there, resonating with people, even with a group of people that I had no idea even knew who I was!" So the dream didn't look exactly like he had imagined, but with courage and hard work and by not giving up, it was actually coming true right before his eyes! And that's what happens in life. More often than not it seems.
My point here is, DON'T WAIT TO DO ANYTHING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU. EVER. We don't know how much time we have or will have but we do know that our time on this Earth is finite. Of course I'm not saying to quit your job to write the novel you've always wanted to write but which lands you living in the streets, but I am saying that if you want to be a writer, WRITE! If you want to be a singer, SING! If your dream is to own your own business, do whatever it takes to START. Don't put anything off for "someday" because someday can very easily, and quickly, turn into never.
Also remember, at the end of you life, the only person you have to answer to is yourself. You are in charge of your own destiny and how much, or little, you get accomplished every day. I knew a man who was about to turn 50 and was devastated because he did not have a successful career, he had never been in love, he had never owned a home, and was essentially still living like someone typically does in their early twenties. He was still blaming his parents daily for the difficult childhood that led him to his current situation. And while I can definitely be sympathetic toward the hurts and damage from his past, I believe very strongly that no one is responsible for his current unhappiness but himself. Every day we each have the choice to be a slave to our past or to be the hero of our future.
So please, for God's sake, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY IN YOUR LIFE! Stop suffering, stop playing the victim, stop making excuses for not having the brilliant, glorious, fulfilling live you are meant to have. And stop looking to others for approval. When you are lying on your deathbed you are not going to care one bit about who may be standing around, shaking their heads at you from somewhere far away. All you are going to want is to be one of them, still standing.
His death comes on the heels of several recent deaths in the entertainment industry: David Bowie at the age of 69, Alan Rickman also aged 69, Rene Angelil at 73, and Glen Frey at 67. Of course these are just 4 well-known public figures among the millions of people who have died in the past week, leaving behind grieving loved ones.
While I understand that death is inevitable for all of us, what strikes me as the most tragic thing about it is the finality of it. I realize that sounds like an incredibly asinine thing to say - of course it's final, it's DEATH! But when I think about how wholly, truly, completely final it is, that's what makes me sad and a little bit scared too.
Because each one of those people who is no longer walking around on the Earth had things that they still wanted to do. Probably lots of things, that they just assumed they'd have time for. And then their time ran out.
There is a quote from Alan Rickman going around where he talks about "when I'm 80." Sadly, he fell short of that goal by 11 years. In Nora Ephron's last book she mentions what she's going to be doing in her eighties. She passed away at 71. When I think about these people what strikes me is that fact that we never know how much time we're going to have. And if we do have ample time, we don't know that we'll be in the physical or mental shape to be able to accomplish what we want to. Which means that if there's something that you want to do, or feel you need to do at some point in your lifetime,
DO IT. NOW.
Or as close to now as you can get.
It is my hope that when people do draw their dying breaths they will feel like they lived the life they wanted to, and were supposed to, as much as was possible. I hope that people won't feel like they've wasted their time on things that weren't important to them. I especially hope they don't feel like they could have accomplished things and followed their dreams but waited too long to make them happen.
I knew a colleague many years ago who was in her late thirties and wanted more than anything to have a baby. She was not going to be complete in her life without a child to raise. She was unmarried, with no serious prospects for a mate, and I remember some of us asking her, if this is so important to you, why not adopt a baby, or volunteer at the NICU, or become a nanny, or do something that would at least get her closer to her life's dream. She would have none of it. If it didn't happen the picture perfect way she wanted it to happen, then it wasn't going to happen at all.
I wonder how often we pigeonhole ourselves by looking at our goals in a singular way. I've seen many times how dreams can sometime manifest themselves without our even noticing. They may not look like the original dreams we had, but they may be just as satisfying in a different incarnation.
For example, we recently attended a house concert by an amazing musician who was touring around the country. He explained that when he first started pursuing music full time as a profession, he had dreams of being picked up by a major record label, recording albums of original music, and touring around the world. He had been feeling pretty badly that fifteen years later this dream of his was still out of reach until he had a revelation in a tiny bar in a tiny midwestern town he had never heard of. There he was, in the "middle of nowhere" and a bunch of people he had never met before had come out to this place just to see him and were singing along to all of his songs. As he was experiencing this he realized, "My dream has actually come true. While I don't have an official record label, I AM making a living as a musician, I HAVE recorded several CDs of my music, I HAVE been touring around the country, and the world, for the past several years, and best of all, my music is out there, resonating with people, even with a group of people that I had no idea even knew who I was!" So the dream didn't look exactly like he had imagined, but with courage and hard work and by not giving up, it was actually coming true right before his eyes! And that's what happens in life. More often than not it seems.
My point here is, DON'T WAIT TO DO ANYTHING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU. EVER. We don't know how much time we have or will have but we do know that our time on this Earth is finite. Of course I'm not saying to quit your job to write the novel you've always wanted to write but which lands you living in the streets, but I am saying that if you want to be a writer, WRITE! If you want to be a singer, SING! If your dream is to own your own business, do whatever it takes to START. Don't put anything off for "someday" because someday can very easily, and quickly, turn into never.
Also remember, at the end of you life, the only person you have to answer to is yourself. You are in charge of your own destiny and how much, or little, you get accomplished every day. I knew a man who was about to turn 50 and was devastated because he did not have a successful career, he had never been in love, he had never owned a home, and was essentially still living like someone typically does in their early twenties. He was still blaming his parents daily for the difficult childhood that led him to his current situation. And while I can definitely be sympathetic toward the hurts and damage from his past, I believe very strongly that no one is responsible for his current unhappiness but himself. Every day we each have the choice to be a slave to our past or to be the hero of our future.
So please, for God's sake, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY IN YOUR LIFE! Stop suffering, stop playing the victim, stop making excuses for not having the brilliant, glorious, fulfilling live you are meant to have. And stop looking to others for approval. When you are lying on your deathbed you are not going to care one bit about who may be standing around, shaking their heads at you from somewhere far away. All you are going to want is to be one of them, still standing.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Welcome 2016!
I realize the irony in that I often say I'm not a fan of looking back, and then I repeatedly post these "year in review"stories. Well, I guess I'll say that I usually don't like to look back, but if there are events and lessons to be acknowledged then I'll indulge myself...for a short time at least. :)
So 2015 was, for me, the year of the Ps. If I could have told myself at the beginning what I would have needed to fortify myself for the year to come it would have been these words:
1. Patience. And a lot of it. Between the continued search for a medical diagnosis and the repeated difficulties with making the new CD, I clearly needed to learn patience. Even up until these past few weeks finishing up the graphics that would finally send the CD into actual production there were problems and delays almost every day. I'm not sure why the entire process was so challenging or why I needed to learn patience over and over again at this particular time, but I've lived long enough to know that it was all for a reason, and the next time I have to wait for something, or help loved ones wait for something, I will have armloads of patience to distribute freely. I will be able to trust that things will work out no matter how much I worry (or don't worry) about them, and I will be able to encourage others based on my experience.
2. Perseverance. A lot of that too. There were so many times over the past year when I was ready to give up on the CD. It was just getting to be too difficult - too many doors slammed in my face, too many people not being able to help me with what I needed, too much money being spent on fruitless tries, - it would have been so much easier at several points along the way to give up and move on to something else. But I kept pressing on, with my small group of supporters, and thankfully the glimmers of hope kept shining through the darkness of despair. A huge lesson learned, that I realize I can apply to anything worth pursuing in my life.
I kept being reminded of that line from the film "A League of Their Own." The baseball player says, "It just got too hard," to which the coach responds, "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." Hear hear.
3. Persistence. Similar to perseverance, but with an additional, sharper edge to it. The definition of perseverance is: "Steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success." The definition of persistence is: "Firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition." While I usually would not consider myself to be obstinate, being headstrong and uncompromising when it comes to one's art is key, I think, to getting the eventual necessary result. Anyone can go through the motions and do what other people think they should do - that's definitely easier and doesn't make waves or cause trouble. But if it's going to have your name on it, it needs to be yours, and if you're already going through all of the trouble of doing it, do it the way that YOU want, that's true to YOUR artistic vision. I now believe there's a reason why my new CD is titled "Relentless."
4. Protection from Problematic, Perverse, Persnickety People. Yes, I'm having some fun with this, but the truth is, I wish someone could have warned me about the parade of nasty, mean, angry, sad, burdened, selfish, and disrespectful people I was going to encounter during the past year. Not that I could have prevented the situations, but I feel like somehow I could have protected myself against all of the insults and degradation. Actually, no, I take that back. The only way we learn is by going through things and I clearly needed to learn the lessons of not taking mean comments personally, recognizing that the malice and malignity has more to do with the other person and not with me, and most importantly, I do not need to keep these people in my life for one iota of a second longer than I need to. Thankfully the band season is over and I do not have to deal with those demeaning bullies any longer, both studio engineers who wanted to rewrite my music and lyrics immediately lost my business, and if a doctor or pharmacist is rude or insulting to me (both happened over this past year) I can, and will, take my business elsewhere.
(As an aside, I will never understand why people in customer service centered positions are rude to their customers. I suppose some patrons just take it and return for more, but especially in the age of Yelp and other internet review sites, I can't imagine it ends well for any of them.)
So, looking ahead, if last year was the year of the Ps, I'm thinking that this year will be a year of Hs:
Hope - for good things to happen.
Health - for myself and my loved ones.
Happiness - overflowing, overwhelming, in abundance, for everyone.
Hunger - I know I'm going to have some of this if I want to lose some lbs. for another H, Hawaii! (see #2 above)
Harmony, helpfulness, humor, hilarity, hospitality, hardihood (it's a word, I just learned it, and it's great - look it up) happy hearts, happy homes, and happy "hard" (see League of Their Own quote above) experiences for my family, my friends, myself, and for all people. If more people had these Hs prominently in their lives, above the other stuff, they wouldn't be those people in #4, who try to make the world around them as dismal as they routinely see it.
I'll let you know how it all goes. In the meantime, I'm wishing you all a happy, healthy, hopeful, prosperous, festive, fulfilling, blessed, peaceful, dynamic, exciting, fun, and dreams-come-true year ahead!
So 2015 was, for me, the year of the Ps. If I could have told myself at the beginning what I would have needed to fortify myself for the year to come it would have been these words:
1. Patience. And a lot of it. Between the continued search for a medical diagnosis and the repeated difficulties with making the new CD, I clearly needed to learn patience. Even up until these past few weeks finishing up the graphics that would finally send the CD into actual production there were problems and delays almost every day. I'm not sure why the entire process was so challenging or why I needed to learn patience over and over again at this particular time, but I've lived long enough to know that it was all for a reason, and the next time I have to wait for something, or help loved ones wait for something, I will have armloads of patience to distribute freely. I will be able to trust that things will work out no matter how much I worry (or don't worry) about them, and I will be able to encourage others based on my experience.
2. Perseverance. A lot of that too. There were so many times over the past year when I was ready to give up on the CD. It was just getting to be too difficult - too many doors slammed in my face, too many people not being able to help me with what I needed, too much money being spent on fruitless tries, - it would have been so much easier at several points along the way to give up and move on to something else. But I kept pressing on, with my small group of supporters, and thankfully the glimmers of hope kept shining through the darkness of despair. A huge lesson learned, that I realize I can apply to anything worth pursuing in my life.
I kept being reminded of that line from the film "A League of Their Own." The baseball player says, "It just got too hard," to which the coach responds, "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." Hear hear.
3. Persistence. Similar to perseverance, but with an additional, sharper edge to it. The definition of perseverance is: "Steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success." The definition of persistence is: "Firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition." While I usually would not consider myself to be obstinate, being headstrong and uncompromising when it comes to one's art is key, I think, to getting the eventual necessary result. Anyone can go through the motions and do what other people think they should do - that's definitely easier and doesn't make waves or cause trouble. But if it's going to have your name on it, it needs to be yours, and if you're already going through all of the trouble of doing it, do it the way that YOU want, that's true to YOUR artistic vision. I now believe there's a reason why my new CD is titled "Relentless."
4. Protection from Problematic, Perverse, Persnickety People. Yes, I'm having some fun with this, but the truth is, I wish someone could have warned me about the parade of nasty, mean, angry, sad, burdened, selfish, and disrespectful people I was going to encounter during the past year. Not that I could have prevented the situations, but I feel like somehow I could have protected myself against all of the insults and degradation. Actually, no, I take that back. The only way we learn is by going through things and I clearly needed to learn the lessons of not taking mean comments personally, recognizing that the malice and malignity has more to do with the other person and not with me, and most importantly, I do not need to keep these people in my life for one iota of a second longer than I need to. Thankfully the band season is over and I do not have to deal with those demeaning bullies any longer, both studio engineers who wanted to rewrite my music and lyrics immediately lost my business, and if a doctor or pharmacist is rude or insulting to me (both happened over this past year) I can, and will, take my business elsewhere.
(As an aside, I will never understand why people in customer service centered positions are rude to their customers. I suppose some patrons just take it and return for more, but especially in the age of Yelp and other internet review sites, I can't imagine it ends well for any of them.)
So, looking ahead, if last year was the year of the Ps, I'm thinking that this year will be a year of Hs:
Hope - for good things to happen.
Health - for myself and my loved ones.
Happiness - overflowing, overwhelming, in abundance, for everyone.
Hunger - I know I'm going to have some of this if I want to lose some lbs. for another H, Hawaii! (see #2 above)
Harmony, helpfulness, humor, hilarity, hospitality, hardihood (it's a word, I just learned it, and it's great - look it up) happy hearts, happy homes, and happy "hard" (see League of Their Own quote above) experiences for my family, my friends, myself, and for all people. If more people had these Hs prominently in their lives, above the other stuff, they wouldn't be those people in #4, who try to make the world around them as dismal as they routinely see it.
I'll let you know how it all goes. In the meantime, I'm wishing you all a happy, healthy, hopeful, prosperous, festive, fulfilling, blessed, peaceful, dynamic, exciting, fun, and dreams-come-true year ahead!
Monday, October 5, 2015
Learning my lesson...the hard way
*Note: This is a follow-up to the previous post. It may not make much sense if you don't read that one first.
So I talked last time about two people who had insulted me to my face, really hurt my feelings, left me angry and frustrated, and, as is my style, I gave them nicknames. Nellie Oleson and The Troll. The plot thickens...
Nellie Oleson continued to be annoying and mean over email dealing with band competition related matters. I was getting more and more fed up and so I wrote an email explaining certain details to another chaperone, and I'll admit, there were a few snarky remarks in there about Nellie. This person got very confused by the directions I sent (which were Nellie's instructions), so she emailed Nellie for clarification. Unfortunately, she copied my email and sent it directly to Nellie herself.
Oops.
About 2 hours later I opened my email to find a nasty, blistering email from none other than Nellie, tearing apart my character, accusing me of personality traits I do not bear, and cutting me down like Paul Bunyan fells an oak tree. I was, in a word, horrified.
After the initial shock wore off, I realized I had a choice. I could email back, I could copy the band director, I could tell all of my friends and the other band parents what happened and I could fan the flames of this whole incident into a blazing bitter wildfire of hate and resentment.
OR,
I could put out the smoke before it became a fire by eating a generous slice of humble pie.
Which is exactly what I did.
I took a few minutes to prepare what I was going to say, took a deep breath, and called Nellie. To my surprise, she picked up (man, was I hoping for her voice mail!). I greeted her and then launched into my carefully worded apology of my words in the original email. I explained that I in no way meant to undermine her, I very much appreciated all of her hard work, and repeated several times how sorry I was that my words came out in such a way that her feelings were hurt.
Pause.
Silence from the other end.
Another deep breath on my part.
I then launched into an "I'm so glad that you called me on my actions because although I did not intend for my words to be hurtful (or did I?), I clearly need to be careful of how I put things to make sure I do not hurt people with them." I thanked her for pointing out how wrong I was and assured her that I would do better in the future.
That seemed to thaw the icy walls on the other end of the phone. Then this is what I heard,
"Thank you. I appreciate that. It's just that after last weekend I got a 4 page email detailing how terrible I was, all of the problems with me and with the band program, and I got blamed for a lot of things that aren't even in my control."
A-ha! So apparently I'm not the only one whom Nellie has offended. (as I'm learning, I'm one of very many over the years) And she was coming off of that situation, ready to bristle at anything that she perceived as negative feelings toward her.
Very interesting development here.
Now, let's be honest - were the words I wrote in my email meant to be digs at Nellie's attitude and demeanor? Of course they were! Upon re-reading the email I realized that on one level of reading, they were merely facts, but on another level, they definitely had a barb or two attached to them. Which brings me to the point of this treatise:
I was behaving the way Nellie was, and I got called on the carpet for it. Call it God, the Universe, the Powers That Be, whatever - I was acting in a way that wasn't kind, loving, or encouraging, and that's not okay. Didn't I just say that I wasn't up for hearing anything that wasn't kind, loving, or encouraging, and didn't I just turn around and do the opposite? Not only was I not doing things the way I knew I was supposed to be doing them, I was doing things that didn't align with who I want to be and what I want to put out into the world.
What goes around most certainly comes around, and while this was by no means an easy lesson to learn, it was sure a crystal clear one. And one that I shared with both of my kids as a reminder of what can happen when we're not living up to our full potentials as people.
(Also a good reminder to all of us not to put into writing anything that you wouldn't say to someone's face.)
So Nellie and I worked everything out, we put it all behind us, and then when I saw her two days later the first words out of her mouth were not "good morning" or "hello" but "You shouldn't do this and that and the other thing and stop doing blah blah blah because it's wrong." I didn't blink an eye. I simply said, "Oh. Well that's how things have been done in the past and I didn't know about these new directions." She replied nastily, repeating all of the things she just said, to which I smiled and said, "Okay," and walked away. There's no changing Nellie Oleson. But I saw her in a different light that morning. I saw someone who is sad, friendly, lonely, and clinging with all of her might to her volunteer position of power that will end in 3 weeks when the band season is over. Again, never an excuse to be rude, but now I can almost see things from her point of view and treat her with compassion rather than animosity.
Speaking of animosity, remember The Troll? Turns out that The Troll's husband unexpectedly walked out on her and their kids just 3 weeks prior to her insulting me to my face. Wow, huh? Not an excuse of course, but makes it easier for me to see where she's coming from and not take her comments personally.
I think we all need reminders that everyone walking around on this Earth goes through something difficult at one time or another. We may never know what a person is dealing with and it's up to us to treat others the way we would want to be treated; even if they never treat us that way in return. We can only control our own actions, and that means that we can make the choice every day, or even every minute, to put kindness, love, and encouragement out into the world, regardless of anything else.
You know what's kind of amazing? Right before I got Nellie's email I had been reading parts of The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I had just read his advice about apologizing. He said, "Apologize when you screw up and focus on other people not yourself."
Lesson learned.
So I talked last time about two people who had insulted me to my face, really hurt my feelings, left me angry and frustrated, and, as is my style, I gave them nicknames. Nellie Oleson and The Troll. The plot thickens...
Nellie Oleson continued to be annoying and mean over email dealing with band competition related matters. I was getting more and more fed up and so I wrote an email explaining certain details to another chaperone, and I'll admit, there were a few snarky remarks in there about Nellie. This person got very confused by the directions I sent (which were Nellie's instructions), so she emailed Nellie for clarification. Unfortunately, she copied my email and sent it directly to Nellie herself.
Oops.
About 2 hours later I opened my email to find a nasty, blistering email from none other than Nellie, tearing apart my character, accusing me of personality traits I do not bear, and cutting me down like Paul Bunyan fells an oak tree. I was, in a word, horrified.
After the initial shock wore off, I realized I had a choice. I could email back, I could copy the band director, I could tell all of my friends and the other band parents what happened and I could fan the flames of this whole incident into a blazing bitter wildfire of hate and resentment.
OR,
I could put out the smoke before it became a fire by eating a generous slice of humble pie.
Which is exactly what I did.
I took a few minutes to prepare what I was going to say, took a deep breath, and called Nellie. To my surprise, she picked up (man, was I hoping for her voice mail!). I greeted her and then launched into my carefully worded apology of my words in the original email. I explained that I in no way meant to undermine her, I very much appreciated all of her hard work, and repeated several times how sorry I was that my words came out in such a way that her feelings were hurt.
Pause.
Silence from the other end.
Another deep breath on my part.
I then launched into an "I'm so glad that you called me on my actions because although I did not intend for my words to be hurtful (or did I?), I clearly need to be careful of how I put things to make sure I do not hurt people with them." I thanked her for pointing out how wrong I was and assured her that I would do better in the future.
That seemed to thaw the icy walls on the other end of the phone. Then this is what I heard,
"Thank you. I appreciate that. It's just that after last weekend I got a 4 page email detailing how terrible I was, all of the problems with me and with the band program, and I got blamed for a lot of things that aren't even in my control."
A-ha! So apparently I'm not the only one whom Nellie has offended. (as I'm learning, I'm one of very many over the years) And she was coming off of that situation, ready to bristle at anything that she perceived as negative feelings toward her.
Very interesting development here.
Now, let's be honest - were the words I wrote in my email meant to be digs at Nellie's attitude and demeanor? Of course they were! Upon re-reading the email I realized that on one level of reading, they were merely facts, but on another level, they definitely had a barb or two attached to them. Which brings me to the point of this treatise:
I was behaving the way Nellie was, and I got called on the carpet for it. Call it God, the Universe, the Powers That Be, whatever - I was acting in a way that wasn't kind, loving, or encouraging, and that's not okay. Didn't I just say that I wasn't up for hearing anything that wasn't kind, loving, or encouraging, and didn't I just turn around and do the opposite? Not only was I not doing things the way I knew I was supposed to be doing them, I was doing things that didn't align with who I want to be and what I want to put out into the world.
What goes around most certainly comes around, and while this was by no means an easy lesson to learn, it was sure a crystal clear one. And one that I shared with both of my kids as a reminder of what can happen when we're not living up to our full potentials as people.
(Also a good reminder to all of us not to put into writing anything that you wouldn't say to someone's face.)
So Nellie and I worked everything out, we put it all behind us, and then when I saw her two days later the first words out of her mouth were not "good morning" or "hello" but "You shouldn't do this and that and the other thing and stop doing blah blah blah because it's wrong." I didn't blink an eye. I simply said, "Oh. Well that's how things have been done in the past and I didn't know about these new directions." She replied nastily, repeating all of the things she just said, to which I smiled and said, "Okay," and walked away. There's no changing Nellie Oleson. But I saw her in a different light that morning. I saw someone who is sad, friendly, lonely, and clinging with all of her might to her volunteer position of power that will end in 3 weeks when the band season is over. Again, never an excuse to be rude, but now I can almost see things from her point of view and treat her with compassion rather than animosity.
Speaking of animosity, remember The Troll? Turns out that The Troll's husband unexpectedly walked out on her and their kids just 3 weeks prior to her insulting me to my face. Wow, huh? Not an excuse of course, but makes it easier for me to see where she's coming from and not take her comments personally.
I think we all need reminders that everyone walking around on this Earth goes through something difficult at one time or another. We may never know what a person is dealing with and it's up to us to treat others the way we would want to be treated; even if they never treat us that way in return. We can only control our own actions, and that means that we can make the choice every day, or even every minute, to put kindness, love, and encouragement out into the world, regardless of anything else.
You know what's kind of amazing? Right before I got Nellie's email I had been reading parts of The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I had just read his advice about apologizing. He said, "Apologize when you screw up and focus on other people not yourself."
Lesson learned.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Treating mean people with grace...most of the time.
I was exuberantly happy last night. It was Homecoming night at my kids' high school. My son was starting on the Varsity football team, my daughter was performing at half time with the marching band, the Denver Broncos had chosen the game as their "Game of the Week" so there were professional cheerleaders, the mascot, and championship trophies to take photos with. It was an incredibly exciting evening for my family and me and I guess my unabashed and overflowing joy showed to those around me.
It was on this night, last night, once before the game and once after (which we won, 45-0 by the way - WHO-HOOOO!!!) that two different people chose to insult me directly to my face. Both of these women are fellow band parents, both of these women are known as unhappy, miserable people whom everyone dislikes, and both of these women are people whom I normally would avoid at all costs. Alas, I had to deal with them, both were extremely unkind to me and while I honestly tried to let it roll off of my back, this morning I woke up still thinking about it.
Now I know that there are many reasons why I should not let the careless words of 2 people insignificant to my life affect me whatsoever. I am frequently counseling my kids on these kinds of situations, reminding them that these people have their own issues they are dealing with and their "stuff" has NOTHING to do with them (my kids). Or saying things like, "Don't let it ruin your day, don't let their misery change you, just let it go, what do you care what these people have to say?" etc.
I am realizing today, that this is easier said than done. Not that this is news - plenty of people have been unkind to me in my life, and I used to really let it affect me. But as I've grown older I've realized how unhealthy and frankly, stupid it is to let other people have such power and control over my thoughts and well-being.
But blame the PMS, blame my back injury flaring up, blame whatever, today I'm having trouble taking my own advice.
So what do we do when mean people affect us, even when we know full well that they shouldn't?
Well, one thing I do is, I give them nicknames. I have done this for many years. I find that it helps to cut them down a peg or two in my mind and makes my mind turn to laughter instead of anger when having to deal with them. Plus, if I need to vent about them, I can do so anonymously!
I have had nicknames for bosses, for acquaintances, for co-workers, for my husband's co-workers, and for people whom I had originally believed were my friends. Sometimes it's a variation on a person's name, (Cindy becomes "Sin City") sometimes it's something colorful like "Tri-Dub" (for the Wicked Witch of the West), ands sometimes it's just blunt and to the point like "Cujo." The nickname either comes in a moment or it doesn't, and once it's there it sticks forever and cannot be changed. That's usually how nicknames work and these are no exception.
Because I have to deal with these two particular joy suckers for the next five weeks they are joining my illustrious group of nicknamed ones. (otherwise I wouldn't bother - not worth the brain power) Woman #1 is now Nellie Oleson. Remember the bully girl in the Little House on the Prairie books, who is mean and rude and hated by everyone? Perfect. Woman #2 is now The Troll. It just fits her in every way.
Now some people would say that I shouldn't even be taking the time to speak about these people and that they're not worth the breath it takes to even talk about them. That alone is giving them power over me and my life. While that may be true, because I am in a situation where I'm going to have to interact with them, and where I'm most likely going to be insulted again multiple times, I have to do what I can to deal with it.
At these times I also think about Jackie Robinson. While I realize that my situation is .0001% like his, I can take the lessons of his actions when dealing with mean, spiteful, truly hateful people. He always held his head high and kept his eyes focused on his goals, regardless of the verbal assaults, the spitting on him, the refusals of service, and the staggering amounts of attempts to denigrate his personal character. He didn't ever let the bullies win, not even once.
There is an all-day band competition today which I'm chaperoning, which means that I will be in contact with these women for a good 15 hours or so. I have a choice - I can choose to hold on to what they said to me yesterday, carry it around in my heart, and be grumpy and bitter at what should be a fun and exciting experience with my daughter, OR, I can blow their words away from me like dandelion seeds and not even let them touch me. I can let them carry hate alone in their heavy laden hearts instead of me taking it up with them. Which is, I think, their main objective anyway. When they see happiness they have to squelch it because they have no room for that in their lives.
I suppose I should feel sorry for them. But I don't. Why? Because no matter what is going on in your life you have the choice every day to spread kindness or spread cruelty. You can wake up every morning grateful to be alive or disdainful to have to slog through another day. Each one of us has that choice no matter what happened to us the day before or what is going to happen tomorrow. Because, after all, life is short. (See previous post.)
I am making the choice today to not let the disparaging words of 2 people whom I barely know affect how I am going to live my life. I'm choosing light over darkness, forgiveness over anger, joy over sadness, and love over hate. Easy to do? Not really. But getting easier every moment.
Nellie Oleson isn't going to win today. She didn't end up winning in the books either. What goes around most certainly comes around. What you put out comes back to you according to the laws of the universe and I'm not interested in anything coming back to me that isn't positive or encouraging or loving at this point, thank you very much.
So what will YOU put out today? One request - please don't put anything out there that might incline someone to give you a nickname...
It was on this night, last night, once before the game and once after (which we won, 45-0 by the way - WHO-HOOOO!!!) that two different people chose to insult me directly to my face. Both of these women are fellow band parents, both of these women are known as unhappy, miserable people whom everyone dislikes, and both of these women are people whom I normally would avoid at all costs. Alas, I had to deal with them, both were extremely unkind to me and while I honestly tried to let it roll off of my back, this morning I woke up still thinking about it.
Now I know that there are many reasons why I should not let the careless words of 2 people insignificant to my life affect me whatsoever. I am frequently counseling my kids on these kinds of situations, reminding them that these people have their own issues they are dealing with and their "stuff" has NOTHING to do with them (my kids). Or saying things like, "Don't let it ruin your day, don't let their misery change you, just let it go, what do you care what these people have to say?" etc.
I am realizing today, that this is easier said than done. Not that this is news - plenty of people have been unkind to me in my life, and I used to really let it affect me. But as I've grown older I've realized how unhealthy and frankly, stupid it is to let other people have such power and control over my thoughts and well-being.
But blame the PMS, blame my back injury flaring up, blame whatever, today I'm having trouble taking my own advice.
So what do we do when mean people affect us, even when we know full well that they shouldn't?
Well, one thing I do is, I give them nicknames. I have done this for many years. I find that it helps to cut them down a peg or two in my mind and makes my mind turn to laughter instead of anger when having to deal with them. Plus, if I need to vent about them, I can do so anonymously!
I have had nicknames for bosses, for acquaintances, for co-workers, for my husband's co-workers, and for people whom I had originally believed were my friends. Sometimes it's a variation on a person's name, (Cindy becomes "Sin City") sometimes it's something colorful like "Tri-Dub" (for the Wicked Witch of the West), ands sometimes it's just blunt and to the point like "Cujo." The nickname either comes in a moment or it doesn't, and once it's there it sticks forever and cannot be changed. That's usually how nicknames work and these are no exception.
Because I have to deal with these two particular joy suckers for the next five weeks they are joining my illustrious group of nicknamed ones. (otherwise I wouldn't bother - not worth the brain power) Woman #1 is now Nellie Oleson. Remember the bully girl in the Little House on the Prairie books, who is mean and rude and hated by everyone? Perfect. Woman #2 is now The Troll. It just fits her in every way.
Now some people would say that I shouldn't even be taking the time to speak about these people and that they're not worth the breath it takes to even talk about them. That alone is giving them power over me and my life. While that may be true, because I am in a situation where I'm going to have to interact with them, and where I'm most likely going to be insulted again multiple times, I have to do what I can to deal with it.
At these times I also think about Jackie Robinson. While I realize that my situation is .0001% like his, I can take the lessons of his actions when dealing with mean, spiteful, truly hateful people. He always held his head high and kept his eyes focused on his goals, regardless of the verbal assaults, the spitting on him, the refusals of service, and the staggering amounts of attempts to denigrate his personal character. He didn't ever let the bullies win, not even once.
There is an all-day band competition today which I'm chaperoning, which means that I will be in contact with these women for a good 15 hours or so. I have a choice - I can choose to hold on to what they said to me yesterday, carry it around in my heart, and be grumpy and bitter at what should be a fun and exciting experience with my daughter, OR, I can blow their words away from me like dandelion seeds and not even let them touch me. I can let them carry hate alone in their heavy laden hearts instead of me taking it up with them. Which is, I think, their main objective anyway. When they see happiness they have to squelch it because they have no room for that in their lives.
I suppose I should feel sorry for them. But I don't. Why? Because no matter what is going on in your life you have the choice every day to spread kindness or spread cruelty. You can wake up every morning grateful to be alive or disdainful to have to slog through another day. Each one of us has that choice no matter what happened to us the day before or what is going to happen tomorrow. Because, after all, life is short. (See previous post.)
I am making the choice today to not let the disparaging words of 2 people whom I barely know affect how I am going to live my life. I'm choosing light over darkness, forgiveness over anger, joy over sadness, and love over hate. Easy to do? Not really. But getting easier every moment.
Nellie Oleson isn't going to win today. She didn't end up winning in the books either. What goes around most certainly comes around. What you put out comes back to you according to the laws of the universe and I'm not interested in anything coming back to me that isn't positive or encouraging or loving at this point, thank you very much.
So what will YOU put out today? One request - please don't put anything out there that might incline someone to give you a nickname...
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Life Is Short
My brother-in-law lost his best friend Milo yesterday. Suddenly and unexpectedly in a plane crash. Milo was the pilot, and sitting next to him was his grandfather Hal, so somewhere out there is a man who lost both his son and his father in the same moment. The son was 35, an honest, friendly, married businessman who played in his church band every Sunday morning. His grandfather was the owner of the plane, an 83-year-old distinguished Air Force veteran, and loving husband, father, and grandfather.
I knew the son only a bit - he played bass at one of my concerts in Oregon. I knew his father some, who played the piano at my husband's and my additional wedding ceremony also in Oregon. The family was close with my husband's family and this is truly a devastating loss to an entire community.
Even though I did not know these men well, this seemingly senseless surprise is hitting me strongly. Over the summer two friends of ours lost dear friends unexpectedly, and over the past year, two other friends lost parents suddenly and without warning. While at times this type of thing is often preferable to pre-death sickness, suffering, and pain, the jarring nature of it leaves the surviving loved ones in shock and disbelief, often without the comforting closure of a goodbye. No matter how you look at it though, it throws into sharp relief a very simple and true concept:
Life is short.
No matter when a person dies, to that person, it's too soon. There are always more things to be done, more experiences to have, more breaths to breathe. We always think that there will be more time to accomplish those goals or have our dreams realized, but we also always know that the day will come when, quite simply, there isn't.
I would encourage you, and all of us, to pursue those dreams, those goals, and those wishes, before it is too late. However you can. Stop waiting for the right time or the right moment and stop making excuses for why you can't. If you're an accountant but you've always wanted to spend your time throwing pots, sign up for a class and DO IT! You may not be able to support yourself at first, but why not take the first steps toward doing what you love? If your dream is to be a veterinarian but can't afford the tuition or the time, volunteer at an animal shelter to fuel that passion for working with animals while you save up and fill out scholarship applications. If you want to get married or have a serious relationship, PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE! Yes, you risk getting your heart broken, but you also risk falling in love and finding the partner you've always yearned for. Make the time to do the things you love and stop wasting time wishing your life away.
The people who are no longer walking the Earth had more dreams to pursue. Every single one of them. But they ran out of time, way before they were planning to.
In the words of Steve Jobs, who died at 56, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." It doesn't matter what was expected of you or if you follow some plan that someone else laid out for you long ago. Your life is your own and it is UP TO YOU to make the absolute most of it you can. You cannot blame anyone else for the reasons why you haven't made your life the wonderful, spectacular, tremendous, and fulfilling one that you want it to be. And the time to do it is NOW.
Every morning when we wake up we have a choice. We can make it a good day, or we can make it a bad day. Or we can make it a mediocre day. Our attitudes and our thoughts make up our reality, and no matter what outside forces act upon us at any given time, we always have the choice to control how we think about them.
This morning when I tore off yesterday's page of my desk calendar this phrase was staring at me:
"Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion."
Indeed.
Life is short. So go and live it while you can.
I knew the son only a bit - he played bass at one of my concerts in Oregon. I knew his father some, who played the piano at my husband's and my additional wedding ceremony also in Oregon. The family was close with my husband's family and this is truly a devastating loss to an entire community.
Even though I did not know these men well, this seemingly senseless surprise is hitting me strongly. Over the summer two friends of ours lost dear friends unexpectedly, and over the past year, two other friends lost parents suddenly and without warning. While at times this type of thing is often preferable to pre-death sickness, suffering, and pain, the jarring nature of it leaves the surviving loved ones in shock and disbelief, often without the comforting closure of a goodbye. No matter how you look at it though, it throws into sharp relief a very simple and true concept:
Life is short.
No matter when a person dies, to that person, it's too soon. There are always more things to be done, more experiences to have, more breaths to breathe. We always think that there will be more time to accomplish those goals or have our dreams realized, but we also always know that the day will come when, quite simply, there isn't.
I would encourage you, and all of us, to pursue those dreams, those goals, and those wishes, before it is too late. However you can. Stop waiting for the right time or the right moment and stop making excuses for why you can't. If you're an accountant but you've always wanted to spend your time throwing pots, sign up for a class and DO IT! You may not be able to support yourself at first, but why not take the first steps toward doing what you love? If your dream is to be a veterinarian but can't afford the tuition or the time, volunteer at an animal shelter to fuel that passion for working with animals while you save up and fill out scholarship applications. If you want to get married or have a serious relationship, PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE! Yes, you risk getting your heart broken, but you also risk falling in love and finding the partner you've always yearned for. Make the time to do the things you love and stop wasting time wishing your life away.
The people who are no longer walking the Earth had more dreams to pursue. Every single one of them. But they ran out of time, way before they were planning to.
In the words of Steve Jobs, who died at 56, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." It doesn't matter what was expected of you or if you follow some plan that someone else laid out for you long ago. Your life is your own and it is UP TO YOU to make the absolute most of it you can. You cannot blame anyone else for the reasons why you haven't made your life the wonderful, spectacular, tremendous, and fulfilling one that you want it to be. And the time to do it is NOW.
Every morning when we wake up we have a choice. We can make it a good day, or we can make it a bad day. Or we can make it a mediocre day. Our attitudes and our thoughts make up our reality, and no matter what outside forces act upon us at any given time, we always have the choice to control how we think about them.
This morning when I tore off yesterday's page of my desk calendar this phrase was staring at me:
"Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion."
Indeed.
Life is short. So go and live it while you can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)