I have said many times that I don't believe in looking back. By that I mean, I don't think it's healthy to live in the past, lamenting things that cannot be changed or using your old hurts and wrongs to make excuses for not living the most full, happy, and wondrous life you can NOW.
However, I have found that there are a few situations in which it can actually be beneficial to consider the past, and use what we've learned to help with what we're dealing with in the present.
For example, I'm currently in the midst of what has been (and continues to be) a difficult and frustrating chapter of my life: recovering from back surgery with some minor physical complications and annoying interactions with insurance companies and doctors with less-than-ideal bedside manner personalities. A dear friend of mine dropped off some "cheering up" gifts yesterday with a card that read, "Hang in there - this too shall be a distant memory soon." Which made me stop and think, "Hmm....where was I at this time last year? What is now a distant memory?"
As you may recall, last year at exactly this time, I was being plagued almost daily by my aptly nicknamed nemesis Nellie Oleson. It was a year ago that I was brought to many tears, tremendous anger, and immense frustration and humiliation. That was definitely a tough time, as I was being personally attacked repeatedly by a person who kept rearing her horrid head into my otherwise content life. Looking back on that now, what do I feel?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Can you believe it? No pain, no anger, no sadness, no offense, literally nothing. It's as if all of that terrible stuff never happened. Thankfully her heartlessness and deliberate cruelty caused me no lasting heartache, and all of that nonsense has no impact whatsoever on my current daily life. (It did however, provide some excellent inspiration for some blogs that I am quite proud of, so often times there can even be positive results from the torture you have to endure.)
This is a perfect example of "this too shall pass," and it's wonderful to have a tangible reminder of that while I, or you, are going through a particularly difficult time.
Another time when it's good to look back is when you're feeling stuck in a rut or like you haven't accomplished enough in your life. At those times it's good to pull out your resume and check out all of the things that you have actually accomplished up until this moment in your life. When it's all written down, you can concretely see things you've done that might have forgotten about. And if you don't have a resume for the job you're currently doing (i.e. I don't have a resume for the eighteen years I've been a mom) then write one! Really think and reminisce and write down every triumph you've had and every obstacle you've overcome. Everything from "Everyone loved my cupcakes at the bake sale so much that they sold out," to "I had both sets of in-laws over for dinner and I kept the conversation focused on safe topics," to "I worked out 10 minutes longer than I did yesterday" to "All three kids are now packing their own lunches and doing their own laundry." etc. etc. Some of you out there have completed marathons and triathlons, some of you are working hard at jobs outside the home while taking care of things inside the home, some of you are doing charity work and going on mission trips to help make the world a better place for people in need, and some of you have won amazing awards and have received recognition from outside sources that exhibit your contributions and achievements. Whatever they are, whatever you have done, WRITE IT ALL DOWN. Go back to elementary school and spelling bees, high school honors classes and sports trophies, early accomplishments and promotions from your first jobs, and on and on and on. Don't forget to write down specific accolades from people you've admired - family members, friends, or even strangers on the street who might have complimented you on your outfit. Looking back in this way can strengthen your present, reminding you of all that you have accomplished in the past, and fortifying you for what you can accomplish in the present, and what you WILL accomplish in the future.
The other time when I think it can be healthy and beneficial to look back is to take the quote from Dr. Seuss which says, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I was talking to a friend with young children about their Halloween plans and she said something sympathetic to me like, "Aww...your kids are too old for that now, huh?" And I took a moment to remember all of the fun Halloween experiences we had over the years. Parties, candy swapping negotiations, and the many great costumes that we put together - sometimes that took weeks to create and sometimes that were cobbled together at the last minute. I'm not sad at all that my kids no longer go door-to-door (and maybe Halloween is an easy one to reckon with because all along you know there's a short trick-or-treating window in every child's life) instead, I'm so happy that they had such fun and meaningful Halloween experiences while they had them. When childhood things like that come to an end, while it's fine to grieve for them if that's how you feel, it's also nice to be able to look back on those as chapters that were meant to be started, lived, and closed, as the natural order of things. Which also means that we should do our best to make them as memorable as possible while we are living through them.
When you think about it, every single thing that we do becomes a memory. The breakfast that I ate 3 hours ago is now a memory. My son's football game tomorrow night will become a memory as soon as it's over. While we lament that "all good things must come to an end" we can also remember that all bad things must come to an end as well. Which can be very comforting when we're mired down in the quicksand of the tough stuff.
So while I'm riding out this not-so-great chapter, taking things one moment at a time, I'm keeping in the front of my mind that, like my horrible encounters with Nellie, this too will become a distant memory that has no lasting effect on the sustentation of my life. It's hardest when things are out of our control, but as long as they are, it helps so much to remember that today's struggles become next years "Mem'ries....lighting the corners of our minds." And that's all.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...
...the medicine go dow-wow-p0n, medicine go down. Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way. - Robert and Richard Sherman
And now you have that song going through your head. It's okay, so do I. And hopefully it will continue running through your head as you read this, because while it's literally true (adding a spoonful of sugar to a bad tasting medicine will help you to swallow it more easily), these song lyrics pack a powerful metaphorical punch for life.
As in, when there's something you don't want to do, change your attitude and figure out a way to deal with it so you can get it done as cheerfully as possible.
Or, when something goes wrong, try to find the bright side, or the silver lining, or something, ANYTHING good or beneficial about the situation.
Basically, when you are experiencing bitterness, add some sweetness.
That's really what it comes down to, for the actual medicine and for the metaphor. When something is bitter, add your own dose of sugar, in whatever form that may take at the moment.
We all have bitterness. It comes most often dressed as resentment, anger, hurt feelings, and disheartenment. It differs from grief in that it usually has a hard edge and an acrid taste to it. It usually comes when someone has wronged us, and while we don't want it to stick around, souring everything in our midst, it usually does, the way the stench of garbage still lingers in the empty can.
So how do we get rid of the bitterness that hangs around in our heart, tainting our every thought and action?
Add the spoonful of sweetness that works for you. It may not fully remove the bitterness you're feeling, but it may at least mask it for a while, which is a beautiful first step toward healing. And the more you practice replacing the bitter with sweet, the better you'll get at it.
What is this sweetness, you may ask? Well, there's the obvious answer that chocolate solves every problem (probably due to the endorphins it releases when we eat it) but if you don't want to rely on actual sugar every time, here are some suggestions of things that could sweeten your mood:
1. Count your blessings. See and recognize all of the good things in your life. Write down a list if you're having trouble remembering them and consult the list when the bitterness threatens to take over everything.
2. Sing a happy song. Or listen to one. Or several. Music can be such a miraculous tool of healing, and when you are feeling upset or hurt it can lift your spirits and bring you back to peace. (Not to mention, if you have to do some practical, unfavorable chore like scrubbing the toilets, having some cheery music on to rock out to makes the job not only manageable, but maybe even enjoyable.)
3. Create something. There's nothing like making something with your own hands that helps to bring yourself out of your head and into the reality of the beauty and goodness of the present. If you love to draw, draw something! If your passion is beading jewelry, make something beautiful that you can give as a gift to brighten someone else's day. If you like to cook or bake or scrapbook or decoupage or build or quilt or anything else that you can find supplies for at Michael's then DO THAT! It won't take away what the person said but it may help take away how it made you feel.
4. Exercise. I once heard James Taylor talk about overcoming drug addiction and he said that he found that the best way for him was to "sweat it out." His advice was to find something athletic/aerobic that you enjoy doing and do that until you're spent. Then the next time you want a fix, do it again. It's not to lose weight or get into shape (although that could end up being a side benefit) but so many of us are addicted to our bitterness and sweating it out of ourselves is an excellent way to help rid ourselves of it - both from a physiological standpoint and from our mental and spiritual views.
(By the way, it's worth noting here that JT's preferred method of exercise was rowing. "Exercise" doesn't have to mean going to a spin class or training for a marathon - it's whatever you enjoy that's going to get your heart rate up, some sweat coming out of your glands, and your mind focused on the task at hand, rather than the bitterness in your heart.)
5. Connect in some way to the bigger picture of it all. Some people meditate, some pray, some worship, some go out into the wilderness and write in a journal - it doesn't matter what you do, what matters is that you are tapping into the vastness of the universe and feeling your precious place in it. Gaining perspective on what's going on in your life compared to and conjoined with the other life forms and energy on the planet can make a huge difference when dealing with the problems in our own small realms.
6. Connect with other people. This is a tricky one - I got this advice some years ago from a well-meaning person (i.e. "If you're feeling down, just call a friend!" To which I wanted to respond "If I had a friend I could call, I wouldn't be feeling so down!!") but the truth is, if the bitterness is taking the form of loneliness, do whatever you can as soon as you can, to get yourself out of that dark hole. Loneliness can cause a tremendous amount of bitterness, and while you might not have a support team around you right now, you've got to make one for yourself. This might mean emailing a long-lost friend that you want to get back in touch with. It might mean striking up a conversation in line at the store with someone who looks friendly. It might mean joining a MeetUp group that does something that interests you. Loneliness truly is its own form of horrible bitterness and it needs sweetness added to it, usually more than just a spoonful, as often as possible.
Now, let me just say, and this is VERY important, I am not talking about numbing pain or anesthetizing ourselves from the bitterness. People do this with drugs and alcohol and food and shopping and all manner of unhealthy things that prevent them from feeling their pain. I am not advocating any of those things as the "sugar" it takes to help the medicine go down. Instead, I'm trying to help those of us who struggle with bitterness find a way to deal with as best we can, and as productively as we can, in our daily lives. Until we can learn to let go of it altogether, it makes sense to me to try figure out ways to continue to experience happiness so that the bitterness doesn't consume us.
Because here's the other thing: The bitterness in our lives is there for a reason. It's there for us to learn from and deal with so that the next time we're faced with it, we can handle it more healthily. Do we want it to be there? Of course not. Would we rather it wasn't there? You bet! But if it IS there (and unfortunately for so many of us it is, and there's a lot of it), it is up to each one of us to choose to enjoy the sweetness of life, rather than the bitter.
I'll tell you, it's very easy to develop a taste for bitterness. So much so that it becomes the preferred taste in our mouths. We revel in it, we savor it, we eventually begin to seek it out. Bitterness becomes our favorite flavor and we feel perfectly justified in sprinkling that bitterness over everything and everyone we come across. And who doesn't know a few people like that? Do you want to become one of those people?
Last thing - have you ever tried eating baking chocolate? Way too bitter, right? It needs the chemistry of being mixed with sugar to become even palatable. Don't be baking chocolate. If right now you can't be sticky sweet marshmallow chocolate fudge, at least be semi-sweet chocolate chips. Because they have just a spoonful of sugar.
And now you have that song going through your head. It's okay, so do I. And hopefully it will continue running through your head as you read this, because while it's literally true (adding a spoonful of sugar to a bad tasting medicine will help you to swallow it more easily), these song lyrics pack a powerful metaphorical punch for life.
As in, when there's something you don't want to do, change your attitude and figure out a way to deal with it so you can get it done as cheerfully as possible.
Or, when something goes wrong, try to find the bright side, or the silver lining, or something, ANYTHING good or beneficial about the situation.
Basically, when you are experiencing bitterness, add some sweetness.
That's really what it comes down to, for the actual medicine and for the metaphor. When something is bitter, add your own dose of sugar, in whatever form that may take at the moment.
We all have bitterness. It comes most often dressed as resentment, anger, hurt feelings, and disheartenment. It differs from grief in that it usually has a hard edge and an acrid taste to it. It usually comes when someone has wronged us, and while we don't want it to stick around, souring everything in our midst, it usually does, the way the stench of garbage still lingers in the empty can.
So how do we get rid of the bitterness that hangs around in our heart, tainting our every thought and action?
Add the spoonful of sweetness that works for you. It may not fully remove the bitterness you're feeling, but it may at least mask it for a while, which is a beautiful first step toward healing. And the more you practice replacing the bitter with sweet, the better you'll get at it.
What is this sweetness, you may ask? Well, there's the obvious answer that chocolate solves every problem (probably due to the endorphins it releases when we eat it) but if you don't want to rely on actual sugar every time, here are some suggestions of things that could sweeten your mood:
1. Count your blessings. See and recognize all of the good things in your life. Write down a list if you're having trouble remembering them and consult the list when the bitterness threatens to take over everything.
2. Sing a happy song. Or listen to one. Or several. Music can be such a miraculous tool of healing, and when you are feeling upset or hurt it can lift your spirits and bring you back to peace. (Not to mention, if you have to do some practical, unfavorable chore like scrubbing the toilets, having some cheery music on to rock out to makes the job not only manageable, but maybe even enjoyable.)
3. Create something. There's nothing like making something with your own hands that helps to bring yourself out of your head and into the reality of the beauty and goodness of the present. If you love to draw, draw something! If your passion is beading jewelry, make something beautiful that you can give as a gift to brighten someone else's day. If you like to cook or bake or scrapbook or decoupage or build or quilt or anything else that you can find supplies for at Michael's then DO THAT! It won't take away what the person said but it may help take away how it made you feel.
4. Exercise. I once heard James Taylor talk about overcoming drug addiction and he said that he found that the best way for him was to "sweat it out." His advice was to find something athletic/aerobic that you enjoy doing and do that until you're spent. Then the next time you want a fix, do it again. It's not to lose weight or get into shape (although that could end up being a side benefit) but so many of us are addicted to our bitterness and sweating it out of ourselves is an excellent way to help rid ourselves of it - both from a physiological standpoint and from our mental and spiritual views.
(By the way, it's worth noting here that JT's preferred method of exercise was rowing. "Exercise" doesn't have to mean going to a spin class or training for a marathon - it's whatever you enjoy that's going to get your heart rate up, some sweat coming out of your glands, and your mind focused on the task at hand, rather than the bitterness in your heart.)
5. Connect in some way to the bigger picture of it all. Some people meditate, some pray, some worship, some go out into the wilderness and write in a journal - it doesn't matter what you do, what matters is that you are tapping into the vastness of the universe and feeling your precious place in it. Gaining perspective on what's going on in your life compared to and conjoined with the other life forms and energy on the planet can make a huge difference when dealing with the problems in our own small realms.
6. Connect with other people. This is a tricky one - I got this advice some years ago from a well-meaning person (i.e. "If you're feeling down, just call a friend!" To which I wanted to respond "If I had a friend I could call, I wouldn't be feeling so down!!") but the truth is, if the bitterness is taking the form of loneliness, do whatever you can as soon as you can, to get yourself out of that dark hole. Loneliness can cause a tremendous amount of bitterness, and while you might not have a support team around you right now, you've got to make one for yourself. This might mean emailing a long-lost friend that you want to get back in touch with. It might mean striking up a conversation in line at the store with someone who looks friendly. It might mean joining a MeetUp group that does something that interests you. Loneliness truly is its own form of horrible bitterness and it needs sweetness added to it, usually more than just a spoonful, as often as possible.
Now, let me just say, and this is VERY important, I am not talking about numbing pain or anesthetizing ourselves from the bitterness. People do this with drugs and alcohol and food and shopping and all manner of unhealthy things that prevent them from feeling their pain. I am not advocating any of those things as the "sugar" it takes to help the medicine go down. Instead, I'm trying to help those of us who struggle with bitterness find a way to deal with as best we can, and as productively as we can, in our daily lives. Until we can learn to let go of it altogether, it makes sense to me to try figure out ways to continue to experience happiness so that the bitterness doesn't consume us.
Because here's the other thing: The bitterness in our lives is there for a reason. It's there for us to learn from and deal with so that the next time we're faced with it, we can handle it more healthily. Do we want it to be there? Of course not. Would we rather it wasn't there? You bet! But if it IS there (and unfortunately for so many of us it is, and there's a lot of it), it is up to each one of us to choose to enjoy the sweetness of life, rather than the bitter.
I'll tell you, it's very easy to develop a taste for bitterness. So much so that it becomes the preferred taste in our mouths. We revel in it, we savor it, we eventually begin to seek it out. Bitterness becomes our favorite flavor and we feel perfectly justified in sprinkling that bitterness over everything and everyone we come across. And who doesn't know a few people like that? Do you want to become one of those people?
Last thing - have you ever tried eating baking chocolate? Way too bitter, right? It needs the chemistry of being mixed with sugar to become even palatable. Don't be baking chocolate. If right now you can't be sticky sweet marshmallow chocolate fudge, at least be semi-sweet chocolate chips. Because they have just a spoonful of sugar.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Choices
I had an interesting, life changing revelation a few weeks ago when I went to the doctor to have the staples removed from my recent back surgery. It was two weeks since the surgery and he asked me about my pain level and how I was feeling. I replied that I was still in quite a bit of pain - not so much from the surgery site but the original nerve pain. He said that this was normal and asked how many pain killers I was taking each day.
"One," I said.
"ONE?" He gasped? "Why are you only taking one?"
"Well," I said, "according to the post-op instructions, after two weeks I'm to resume normal activity with certain restrictions, so I figured that meant by now I'm pretty much better, plus I don't want to develop any kind of addiction to pain medication.
He sat there, shaking his head for a moment. Then looked up at me and said calmly, "You had BACK SURGERY. The nerves that had been inflamed and painful for the past three years got even more aggravated from the surgery. Your body is going to heal as it's going to heal, there's nothing anyone can do about that. You can choose to be in pain or not as it's healing."
Whoa. I had to let that sink in. My body was going to heal as it was going to heal. In its own time, the only way it knew how, it could take weeks, it could take months, but it certainly wasn't healed yet. And as my body reacted to what it had been through, I had the choice to suffer through it in pain (even though I didn't have to) or not.
So that got me thinking about that as a metaphor for life. Things happen. Bad things that are completely out of our control. Good things happen to, that sometimes we don't recognize or appreciate. This experience taught me that things are going to happen and it is often 100% our choice to feel pain about them, OR, to do what it takes to push through them until they're over.
Now I'm not talking about tragedies like sudden deaths, sicknesses, disasters, or things like that. Those are in another category. I'm talking about things on par with my minimally invasive back surgery. Things like people being inconsiderate and saying hurtful things. Or being stuck somewhere (an uncomfortable or frustrating situation) that you can't get out of. In every one of those times we can make the choice to take offense, be hurt, get angry, hold a grudge, and do all of those things that poison our lives and our joy much more than the person or thing that is causing us all of the pain in the first place. It's not easy to do, but with practice, I believe it can get easier to the point of it being the natural reaction instead of the pain.
Have you ever noticed that while there are certain things that might drive you absolutely crazy, they don't bother another person at all? I believe that we are hard-wired from our early experiences to have our own reactions to things based on feelings/hurts/offenses that we are still holding onto. Absolutely understandable. But when we're adults, hopefully we can see that the current offense may not actually be intentional, but we're taking it that way because of something that has happened in the past. It's our choice to change that initial reaction to choose the path of happiness instead.
Example: I was recently in a situation that made me extremely upset for several days. Each offensive thing that happened on every subsequent day became compounded because of what had happened before. These things - specific actions by a specific person - made me repeatedly angry, sad, upset, and at one point I was so frustrated that I actually imagined myself throwing drinking glasses so I could have the satisfaction of seeing them shatter. (I don't know if that has ever happened to you but it has never happened to me before and I sincerely hope it never happens again. I was holding everything in to keep the peace around me but inside I was bristling with rage and despair.) With regard to the other people I was with in this situation, one was also very bothered by the actions, one was mildly annoyed but kept her attention on the newly released Pokemon Go game, and the other one wasn't upset or disturbed by anything at all. The same things were happening to all of us, but some of us chose the road of bitterness and exasperation and some of us chose to let things roll off of their backs and go with the flow.
Again, it all comes back to perception and what's going on in our own minds. Person #4 wasn't offended by anything because she had no prior experience of the treatment. Person #3 was upset, but made the choice to remove herself from the situations and found a welcome distraction to help herself do so. Person #2 was partially upset because she knew how upset I was, and Person #1, me, couldn't get out of her own head to see that while some of the actions were definitely meant to be dismissive and hurtful, many of them were not, they were instead just based on the ignorance and utter cluelessness of the person doing them.
This is hard stuff. I'm not saying that at any point you can just choose to say, "I'm not upset about this, I'm going to choose joy instead." But there are times when we can look at the reality of a situation - the cold hard facts separate from the emotions - and make the choice to have precious moments of our own day ruined by a thoughtless comment, or to take the higher road (the proverbial pain meds) and either laugh it off or at least consider the source from whence it came.
It's also all about perspective. I worked with a colleague whose husband was extremely ill and was embroiled in a difficult lawsuit regarding the negligence that caused the husband's current state. While the rest of us complained about the latest horrible treatment from our boss she just shrugged it off. When we would ask her, "Doesn't this bother you?" She would answer, "This is small potatoes compared to what I'm going through."
Right.
Now as you know, I'm a big advocate of "If you don't like your situation, CHANGE IT!" If you're unhappy in your job, in your relationship, where you live, etc. do whatever you can to get out of it! As soon as possible! Life is too short to be stuck in situations that you CAN control - and most often you CAN control those kinds of things, even if you think you can't. But in those situations that we actually, honestly, truly cannot control or change, then each one of us can make the decision to choose how we handle it. If it's going to happen as it's going to happen, then we can open up our "medicine bottle" and do what we need to do to free ourselves of the pain. Think of a happy memory, remember a funny scene from a movie, sing a happy song in your head, or just rest assured in the promise that "this too shall pass." Because it always does. It is hard to do, but there's always a choice in how you react to and deal with difficult things. And the choice you make will affect your health and well-being as well as those of the ones you love around you. So what will your choice be?
"One," I said.
"ONE?" He gasped? "Why are you only taking one?"
"Well," I said, "according to the post-op instructions, after two weeks I'm to resume normal activity with certain restrictions, so I figured that meant by now I'm pretty much better, plus I don't want to develop any kind of addiction to pain medication.
He sat there, shaking his head for a moment. Then looked up at me and said calmly, "You had BACK SURGERY. The nerves that had been inflamed and painful for the past three years got even more aggravated from the surgery. Your body is going to heal as it's going to heal, there's nothing anyone can do about that. You can choose to be in pain or not as it's healing."
Whoa. I had to let that sink in. My body was going to heal as it was going to heal. In its own time, the only way it knew how, it could take weeks, it could take months, but it certainly wasn't healed yet. And as my body reacted to what it had been through, I had the choice to suffer through it in pain (even though I didn't have to) or not.
So that got me thinking about that as a metaphor for life. Things happen. Bad things that are completely out of our control. Good things happen to, that sometimes we don't recognize or appreciate. This experience taught me that things are going to happen and it is often 100% our choice to feel pain about them, OR, to do what it takes to push through them until they're over.
Now I'm not talking about tragedies like sudden deaths, sicknesses, disasters, or things like that. Those are in another category. I'm talking about things on par with my minimally invasive back surgery. Things like people being inconsiderate and saying hurtful things. Or being stuck somewhere (an uncomfortable or frustrating situation) that you can't get out of. In every one of those times we can make the choice to take offense, be hurt, get angry, hold a grudge, and do all of those things that poison our lives and our joy much more than the person or thing that is causing us all of the pain in the first place. It's not easy to do, but with practice, I believe it can get easier to the point of it being the natural reaction instead of the pain.
Have you ever noticed that while there are certain things that might drive you absolutely crazy, they don't bother another person at all? I believe that we are hard-wired from our early experiences to have our own reactions to things based on feelings/hurts/offenses that we are still holding onto. Absolutely understandable. But when we're adults, hopefully we can see that the current offense may not actually be intentional, but we're taking it that way because of something that has happened in the past. It's our choice to change that initial reaction to choose the path of happiness instead.
Example: I was recently in a situation that made me extremely upset for several days. Each offensive thing that happened on every subsequent day became compounded because of what had happened before. These things - specific actions by a specific person - made me repeatedly angry, sad, upset, and at one point I was so frustrated that I actually imagined myself throwing drinking glasses so I could have the satisfaction of seeing them shatter. (I don't know if that has ever happened to you but it has never happened to me before and I sincerely hope it never happens again. I was holding everything in to keep the peace around me but inside I was bristling with rage and despair.) With regard to the other people I was with in this situation, one was also very bothered by the actions, one was mildly annoyed but kept her attention on the newly released Pokemon Go game, and the other one wasn't upset or disturbed by anything at all. The same things were happening to all of us, but some of us chose the road of bitterness and exasperation and some of us chose to let things roll off of their backs and go with the flow.
Again, it all comes back to perception and what's going on in our own minds. Person #4 wasn't offended by anything because she had no prior experience of the treatment. Person #3 was upset, but made the choice to remove herself from the situations and found a welcome distraction to help herself do so. Person #2 was partially upset because she knew how upset I was, and Person #1, me, couldn't get out of her own head to see that while some of the actions were definitely meant to be dismissive and hurtful, many of them were not, they were instead just based on the ignorance and utter cluelessness of the person doing them.
This is hard stuff. I'm not saying that at any point you can just choose to say, "I'm not upset about this, I'm going to choose joy instead." But there are times when we can look at the reality of a situation - the cold hard facts separate from the emotions - and make the choice to have precious moments of our own day ruined by a thoughtless comment, or to take the higher road (the proverbial pain meds) and either laugh it off or at least consider the source from whence it came.
It's also all about perspective. I worked with a colleague whose husband was extremely ill and was embroiled in a difficult lawsuit regarding the negligence that caused the husband's current state. While the rest of us complained about the latest horrible treatment from our boss she just shrugged it off. When we would ask her, "Doesn't this bother you?" She would answer, "This is small potatoes compared to what I'm going through."
Right.
Now as you know, I'm a big advocate of "If you don't like your situation, CHANGE IT!" If you're unhappy in your job, in your relationship, where you live, etc. do whatever you can to get out of it! As soon as possible! Life is too short to be stuck in situations that you CAN control - and most often you CAN control those kinds of things, even if you think you can't. But in those situations that we actually, honestly, truly cannot control or change, then each one of us can make the decision to choose how we handle it. If it's going to happen as it's going to happen, then we can open up our "medicine bottle" and do what we need to do to free ourselves of the pain. Think of a happy memory, remember a funny scene from a movie, sing a happy song in your head, or just rest assured in the promise that "this too shall pass." Because it always does. It is hard to do, but there's always a choice in how you react to and deal with difficult things. And the choice you make will affect your health and well-being as well as those of the ones you love around you. So what will your choice be?
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Galaxies!
"If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live life a lot differently." - Bill Watterson, creator of "Calvin and Hobbes."
I love this quote. And I love to look up at the stars. (so much so that I even wrote a song about it) There is something about seeing those multitudes of twinkling lights punctuating an inky black sky that makes me feel like all is right with the world.
It also reminds me that there are forces greater than ourselves at work in the universe, and that as much as we feel we have an influence on things, we don't have as much as we think. And I mean that in a good way.
I was reminded of this fact when my family and I went to a planetarium show about quasars and galaxies. We learned the mind blowing statistic that the universe is populated with at least 10 to the 11th power (that's one hundred billion) galaxies. Not stars, but GALAXIES. Our own galaxy, the Milky Way, contains at least 10 to the 11th power (that's still one hundred billion) planets. If you multiply one hundred billion by one hundred billion you get 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 or 10 sextillion, a number that I honestly cannot even fathom or imagine. I won't even get into how many stars the cosmologists and astrophysicists have seen and know are out there.
So what can these staggeringly enormous numbers teach us? That we are insignificant? Well, in a way, yes, but not in the way that says we should do things like spend all of our money and break laws and be inconsiderate because we're just a blip on the universe's extremely long timeline and incredibly vast expansiveness. (Because while that may be true, in our own small universes there are still things like jail and fines and people's feelings to consider - which can make those blips that are our lives miserable.) I prefer to look up at the stars and have it give me a healthy perspective of what's really important.
Yes, we are each a teeny tiny speck in the universe and ultimately our existence, when measured against the massive timeline of the cosmos, doesn't matter. In that comparison, one human being cannot alter a planetary orbit or affect a moon or star's existence. But that reminder of how truly small we are and how infinitesimal our time is here on Earth should remind us that we have to make the most of whatever time we are given. While we can't literally move mountains, we CAN make a positive difference in the lives of others, who are also here for a blink of time and space. And we should take every opportunity we can to make the world a better place for others, even on a small scale.
On the radio this morning they were having people call in to describe a good deed they had done in the past week and the callers were receiving gift cards and other prizes for these random acts of kindness toward others. One woman anonymously paid for the dinners of a party of seven military members at the restaurant where she was dining. Another threw her arm and leg between the closing doors of the airport train so a person rushing to make the train could make it. Yet another paid for the groceries of the elderly person in front of them in line as they struggled with their food stamps. The list went on and on, and each person was rewarded for their attempts to help others around them in need. While I think honoring people who do nice things is a great idea, as I listened to the segment I couldn't help thinking to myself:
Shouldn't everyone be doing this for each other anyway? Shouldn't these acts of kindness and generosity be the norm, and not something extraordinary to laud and celebrate?
I think that everyone is so caught up in their own lives, getting things done, crossing off lists, checking their social media, etc. that they forget to look around and see what other people might need and how they might be able to help them. That's where looking up at the stars is a good reminder that we are all a part of the same universe, on the same planet, looking up at the same stars. We're all here for a colossally short time, and that time can be used to make our own minuscule world as happy, as healthy, as lovely, and as good as it can be.
It's also interesting to note that many of the stars we see every night actually burned out many years ago, but we can still see their light. That makes me think of each one of us. Every person has a light inside them that we can choose to share to illuminate the darkness that we see in the world. We can shine our own starlight and hopefully shine it enough that our light will last long after we're gone. Like the stars in the sky.
Yes, we're each only a minute speck of dust on the seemingly infinite continuum of time and space. But we ARE HERE, for the time that we are, and it is up to us to make that time as happy and fulfilling and awe-filled, and beautiful as possible. Especially for the next specks of dust that come along. What light can you leave for them?
I love this quote. And I love to look up at the stars. (so much so that I even wrote a song about it) There is something about seeing those multitudes of twinkling lights punctuating an inky black sky that makes me feel like all is right with the world.
It also reminds me that there are forces greater than ourselves at work in the universe, and that as much as we feel we have an influence on things, we don't have as much as we think. And I mean that in a good way.
I was reminded of this fact when my family and I went to a planetarium show about quasars and galaxies. We learned the mind blowing statistic that the universe is populated with at least 10 to the 11th power (that's one hundred billion) galaxies. Not stars, but GALAXIES. Our own galaxy, the Milky Way, contains at least 10 to the 11th power (that's still one hundred billion) planets. If you multiply one hundred billion by one hundred billion you get 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 or 10 sextillion, a number that I honestly cannot even fathom or imagine. I won't even get into how many stars the cosmologists and astrophysicists have seen and know are out there.
So what can these staggeringly enormous numbers teach us? That we are insignificant? Well, in a way, yes, but not in the way that says we should do things like spend all of our money and break laws and be inconsiderate because we're just a blip on the universe's extremely long timeline and incredibly vast expansiveness. (Because while that may be true, in our own small universes there are still things like jail and fines and people's feelings to consider - which can make those blips that are our lives miserable.) I prefer to look up at the stars and have it give me a healthy perspective of what's really important.
Yes, we are each a teeny tiny speck in the universe and ultimately our existence, when measured against the massive timeline of the cosmos, doesn't matter. In that comparison, one human being cannot alter a planetary orbit or affect a moon or star's existence. But that reminder of how truly small we are and how infinitesimal our time is here on Earth should remind us that we have to make the most of whatever time we are given. While we can't literally move mountains, we CAN make a positive difference in the lives of others, who are also here for a blink of time and space. And we should take every opportunity we can to make the world a better place for others, even on a small scale.
On the radio this morning they were having people call in to describe a good deed they had done in the past week and the callers were receiving gift cards and other prizes for these random acts of kindness toward others. One woman anonymously paid for the dinners of a party of seven military members at the restaurant where she was dining. Another threw her arm and leg between the closing doors of the airport train so a person rushing to make the train could make it. Yet another paid for the groceries of the elderly person in front of them in line as they struggled with their food stamps. The list went on and on, and each person was rewarded for their attempts to help others around them in need. While I think honoring people who do nice things is a great idea, as I listened to the segment I couldn't help thinking to myself:
Shouldn't everyone be doing this for each other anyway? Shouldn't these acts of kindness and generosity be the norm, and not something extraordinary to laud and celebrate?
I think that everyone is so caught up in their own lives, getting things done, crossing off lists, checking their social media, etc. that they forget to look around and see what other people might need and how they might be able to help them. That's where looking up at the stars is a good reminder that we are all a part of the same universe, on the same planet, looking up at the same stars. We're all here for a colossally short time, and that time can be used to make our own minuscule world as happy, as healthy, as lovely, and as good as it can be.
It's also interesting to note that many of the stars we see every night actually burned out many years ago, but we can still see their light. That makes me think of each one of us. Every person has a light inside them that we can choose to share to illuminate the darkness that we see in the world. We can shine our own starlight and hopefully shine it enough that our light will last long after we're gone. Like the stars in the sky.
Yes, we're each only a minute speck of dust on the seemingly infinite continuum of time and space. But we ARE HERE, for the time that we are, and it is up to us to make that time as happy and fulfilling and awe-filled, and beautiful as possible. Especially for the next specks of dust that come along. What light can you leave for them?
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Emotional Scar Gel
A few months ago my seventeen-year-old daughter fell and had to get stitches on her knee. She now has a sizable scar just below her right kneecap. We got her scar gel, a topical application which is supposed to "reduce the appearance, color, and texture of scars." I am so glad that there is a product out there that can mitigate the effects of physical scars. But what do you do about mental and spiritual scars, which run much deeper and cause much more long-lasting pain?
Emotional scar gel is harder to find because it has to come from within us instead of on a shelf at the drugstore. It CAN be found within our hearts and our minds however, in the form of things like:
Forgiveness.
Joy.
Laughter.
Hugs.
Hope.
Belief in a better tomorrow.
Opening up yourself to receiving love.
Doing what makes you happy.
Following a passion.
Having faith in something bigger than yourself.
Putting the past behind you once and for all.
Yes, you have every right to be upset, angry, frustrated, indignant, sad, and vengeful about how you were treated and what happened to you. It was cruel, wrong, unjust, unfair, painful, undeserved and unjustified. But feeling those feelings every day instead of feeling happy and hopeful about the life you have created for yourself NOW only leaves you flailing around in all of that sadness and despair that was caused (most likely) a long time ago. Or even a short time ago. By clinging to those scars and what caused them, you have no freedom to pursue love or creativity or true happiness. You are essentially living in the scar, instead of growing healthy tissue around it.
Look at professional surfer Bethany Hamilton. She lost her entire left arm to a shark attack. Did she let herself be defined by that immense and incredibly conspicuous physical scar? Not even a little bit. She returned to surfing one month after the attack, kept competing and winning surfing competitions, plus wrote a best selling book, has appeared on multiple television shows, had a major motion picture made about her life, and played herself in a major film. Along with all of that, she also fell in love, got married, and gave birth to a son in 2015.
If she had given up surfing, given up competing, given up on her once planned-out life, it would have been expected and considered a reasonable reaction to what happened to her. In short, she got a free pass to let her disfigurement define her. But my guess is she would have been unhappy and unfulfilled every day, letting the scar rule her life and make the rest of her life decisions for her, regardless of what her mind and heart desired.
She is the perfect example of someone who moved past her injury to immense success and boundless joy. Each of us has sustained injuries, both physical and emotional, and if we are able to move past them - administer our own emotional scar gel to ourselves - then we don't allow outside circumstances or occurrences determine our ultimate happiness or well-being.
Scarring is a natural part of the healing process. And scars can be a good reminder to not put ourselves into harm's way. But every scar is proof that we can survive whatever life throws at us, and that we are able to truly heal and move on from each one.
Emotional scar gel is harder to find because it has to come from within us instead of on a shelf at the drugstore. It CAN be found within our hearts and our minds however, in the form of things like:
Forgiveness.
Joy.
Laughter.
Hugs.
Hope.
Belief in a better tomorrow.
Opening up yourself to receiving love.
Doing what makes you happy.
Following a passion.
Having faith in something bigger than yourself.
Putting the past behind you once and for all.
Yes, you have every right to be upset, angry, frustrated, indignant, sad, and vengeful about how you were treated and what happened to you. It was cruel, wrong, unjust, unfair, painful, undeserved and unjustified. But feeling those feelings every day instead of feeling happy and hopeful about the life you have created for yourself NOW only leaves you flailing around in all of that sadness and despair that was caused (most likely) a long time ago. Or even a short time ago. By clinging to those scars and what caused them, you have no freedom to pursue love or creativity or true happiness. You are essentially living in the scar, instead of growing healthy tissue around it.
Look at professional surfer Bethany Hamilton. She lost her entire left arm to a shark attack. Did she let herself be defined by that immense and incredibly conspicuous physical scar? Not even a little bit. She returned to surfing one month after the attack, kept competing and winning surfing competitions, plus wrote a best selling book, has appeared on multiple television shows, had a major motion picture made about her life, and played herself in a major film. Along with all of that, she also fell in love, got married, and gave birth to a son in 2015.
If she had given up surfing, given up competing, given up on her once planned-out life, it would have been expected and considered a reasonable reaction to what happened to her. In short, she got a free pass to let her disfigurement define her. But my guess is she would have been unhappy and unfulfilled every day, letting the scar rule her life and make the rest of her life decisions for her, regardless of what her mind and heart desired.
She is the perfect example of someone who moved past her injury to immense success and boundless joy. Each of us has sustained injuries, both physical and emotional, and if we are able to move past them - administer our own emotional scar gel to ourselves - then we don't allow outside circumstances or occurrences determine our ultimate happiness or well-being.
Scarring is a natural part of the healing process. And scars can be a good reminder to not put ourselves into harm's way. But every scar is proof that we can survive whatever life throws at us, and that we are able to truly heal and move on from each one.
Eat, Pray Love...YOUR way
I recently heard that Elizabeth Gilbert, the author and protagonist of the wildly popular autobiographical best-seller Eat, Pray, Love, was separating from her husband. The husband who was the culmination of her year-long, emotionally wrenching, soul defining journey described in her book. This separation caused an enormous uproar from the devotees of her writing. "How could this happen?!" they shrieked. "He was her soulmate!" "He's the one she was looking for all along, if THEY can't make it, how can WE?!"
Now first of all let me share that while I did read Eat, Pray, Love, I skipped ahead when I got bored during the "Pray" part, and ultimately skipped to the end after finishing only about 2/3 of the entire tongue searching, mind expanding, heart seeking tome. (I did however, watch the entire movie, of which I thoroughly enjoyed every scene containing the artfully scruffy, earnest faced handsomeness of Javier Bardem.) The book clearly resonated with a lot of people, particularly women, especially after it, and the author became an Oprah-fueled sensation.
About six months after the hoopla, I heard from a close relative that he personally knew of 4 women who left their husbands after reading the book. In all of these cases the husbands were completely blindsided by the wives' sudden revelations of their misery and ultimate departures. Since I don't know these people I'm not saying that they should have stayed in these marriages if they were unhappy and unfulfilled. If this book gave them the courage to finally leave an untenable situation then I completely applaud that.
But I wonder...how many women left their situations because they were lulled into the false hope that they would meet and mutually fall in love with Javier Bardem on a faraway island. How many women threw away their diet regimens (which I am personally in favor of discarding wholeheartedly) only to find that they were not able to miraculously lose the 40 or 50 pounds gained during their "Eat" phase, because they do not share the expedient metabolism of our fair leading lady? It seems that a great number of women who followed strictly in Elizabeth Gilbert's exact footsteps became disillusioned and disappointed when they were not blessed with her same, positive outcomes.
Why did this happen?
Because they were traveling on someone else's journey.
One that was not meant for them.
Other people's journeys can provide insights and inspiration and tools to help you follow your own journey, but your life journey is meant for you alone.
The people you meet, the jobs you have, and the triumphs and disappointments that you experience all make up the life that you learn from and enjoy and inhabit. And while you can most definitely learn and grow from the experiences of other people's lives, they are not yours to live. You cannot compare your marriage to others' because no matter what a couple looks like on the outside, you can never know what's really behind closed doors. Because you SHOULDN'T! Those are private experiences between the partners and however they make their relationship work is up to them. Moreover, you should never try to model your own life based on someone else's opinion, situation, or decisions. You were given a set of circumstances, which lead to your own experiences, which is your own personal life to live! If you are unhappy with a situation, by all means change it, but change it based on what's inside YOUR heart, and YOUR mind, and YOUR soul. Not someone else's, who is on a completely different journey from yours anyway.
I'll admit, when I first heard of Liz Gilbert's separation from Jose Nunes I felt a pang of disappointment. As if Cinderella's prince came to her 12 years later and said, "The slipper ain't enough anymore babe." But that's when I had to remind myself, real live isn't a made up fairy tale. These are real people, going through real life, and what goes on behind their closed doors is their business, not mine. As Elizabeth Gilbert said herself, "This is a story I'm living, not a story I'm telling."
I wish them the best as they figure out the next chapter of their respective journeys. And I wish you the best on whatever chapter of your life you're in right now. I encourage you to follow your own path and make each decision every day on based on what's right for YOU, not on what anyone else says, or does. In short, eat what's best for you, pray what's best for you, and love however is best for you. Always be true to YOU, and you'll see what miraculous things will happen when you do. Better than in any best-selling book about someone else.
Now first of all let me share that while I did read Eat, Pray, Love, I skipped ahead when I got bored during the "Pray" part, and ultimately skipped to the end after finishing only about 2/3 of the entire tongue searching, mind expanding, heart seeking tome. (I did however, watch the entire movie, of which I thoroughly enjoyed every scene containing the artfully scruffy, earnest faced handsomeness of Javier Bardem.) The book clearly resonated with a lot of people, particularly women, especially after it, and the author became an Oprah-fueled sensation.
About six months after the hoopla, I heard from a close relative that he personally knew of 4 women who left their husbands after reading the book. In all of these cases the husbands were completely blindsided by the wives' sudden revelations of their misery and ultimate departures. Since I don't know these people I'm not saying that they should have stayed in these marriages if they were unhappy and unfulfilled. If this book gave them the courage to finally leave an untenable situation then I completely applaud that.
But I wonder...how many women left their situations because they were lulled into the false hope that they would meet and mutually fall in love with Javier Bardem on a faraway island. How many women threw away their diet regimens (which I am personally in favor of discarding wholeheartedly) only to find that they were not able to miraculously lose the 40 or 50 pounds gained during their "Eat" phase, because they do not share the expedient metabolism of our fair leading lady? It seems that a great number of women who followed strictly in Elizabeth Gilbert's exact footsteps became disillusioned and disappointed when they were not blessed with her same, positive outcomes.
Why did this happen?
Because they were traveling on someone else's journey.
One that was not meant for them.
Other people's journeys can provide insights and inspiration and tools to help you follow your own journey, but your life journey is meant for you alone.
The people you meet, the jobs you have, and the triumphs and disappointments that you experience all make up the life that you learn from and enjoy and inhabit. And while you can most definitely learn and grow from the experiences of other people's lives, they are not yours to live. You cannot compare your marriage to others' because no matter what a couple looks like on the outside, you can never know what's really behind closed doors. Because you SHOULDN'T! Those are private experiences between the partners and however they make their relationship work is up to them. Moreover, you should never try to model your own life based on someone else's opinion, situation, or decisions. You were given a set of circumstances, which lead to your own experiences, which is your own personal life to live! If you are unhappy with a situation, by all means change it, but change it based on what's inside YOUR heart, and YOUR mind, and YOUR soul. Not someone else's, who is on a completely different journey from yours anyway.
I'll admit, when I first heard of Liz Gilbert's separation from Jose Nunes I felt a pang of disappointment. As if Cinderella's prince came to her 12 years later and said, "The slipper ain't enough anymore babe." But that's when I had to remind myself, real live isn't a made up fairy tale. These are real people, going through real life, and what goes on behind their closed doors is their business, not mine. As Elizabeth Gilbert said herself, "This is a story I'm living, not a story I'm telling."
I wish them the best as they figure out the next chapter of their respective journeys. And I wish you the best on whatever chapter of your life you're in right now. I encourage you to follow your own path and make each decision every day on based on what's right for YOU, not on what anyone else says, or does. In short, eat what's best for you, pray what's best for you, and love however is best for you. Always be true to YOU, and you'll see what miraculous things will happen when you do. Better than in any best-selling book about someone else.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Why I'm off of Facebook....
...at least for now.
First of all, let me say that I am not anti-Facebook. In my years of using it I have found it to be a wonderful way of keeping in touch with long distance friends, a very effective marketing tool for my music, and a phenomenal boost to my ego every year on my birthday when I receive a plethora of well wishes from friends and extended family members.
But right now I'm tired of one thing in particular. And surprisingly it's not all of the political uproar and upcoming election-spurred divisiveness.
It's the lying.
The straw that broke my Facebook-laden camel's back was a post from a friend of mine. I actually stopped following her months ago but she directed me to her page when I asked her about some photos she took on a recent hike in the mountains. Over the past 2 years I have counseled this friend about her crumbling marriage. I have listened, sympathized, offered advice, and spent many many hours trying to help her decide how and when to leave her husband. Imagine my surprise then, when I went to her page, to see post after post of the two of them smiling together, arms around each other, with captions like: "My hubby is finally home!" and "Celebrating our anniversary - I'm a lucky lady!" and "Best hubby in the world!"
So which is the lie? The years of in-person tear-filled angst and anxiety or the photos of the perfect couple?
Or there's the acquaintance who regularly posts pictures of her son's report card and soccer stats, stating how she is bursting with motherly pride at the expected excellence. She leaves out, however, the multiple times this young boy has been suspended in elementary school for bullying and physically harming his fellow classmates.
Or the photos of the family reunion, where everyone is smiling broadly for the camera, even though I personally know of one instance where one particular family member is damming back a deluge of anger, frustration, and exasperation. (I untagged myself from those photos.)
So the question is, why is it so important to put on the false show for others? Why do these people care so much about what other people think? Why are appearances so much more important than the truth?
Don't get me wrong - it's fun to see posts from a celebratory birthday party and it's uplifting to see people post inspirational stories and quotes that are helping them through their journey. But it makes my stomach turn when I see the facades that people put on to make sure that they are perceived a certain way by others. And, I would imagine, to hopefully make those same people jealous of their shiny, happy, perfect lives.
I guess it's because right now I'm committed to living and speaking my truth. I'm focused on becoming my true self at this point on my life and moving forward each day with authenticity and stability. I've been betrayed and lied to many times by people who only had their best interests at heart, and I have no time or energy left for any kind of deceit or pretense. From anyone. I honestly don't care if these people post blatant lies or lies by omission for the world to see -- I'm just choosing to not put myself in the position of seeing it or taking it in.
These people also count the number of "likes" and responses they get on their boastful posts. Which, I guess is the main reason they are posting them. For these people, the most important thing to them is the approval of others. Even if it's based on something that's not true! How is this satisfying or gratifying at all?
"When we consistently suppress and distrust our intuitive knowingness, looking instead for authority, validation, and approval from others, we give our personal power away. -Shakti Gawain
Now I'm not saying that the person who is seriously considering a divorce should post all of her grievances and anger online for all to read. But when she posts the pictures of the happy couple, to make sure that everyone perceives there are no problems whatsoever, she's perpetuating a lie. And maybe that makes her feel better in her current situation. If it does, then I am in no position to say she shouldn't do that. She should do whatever makes her happy and helps get her through this tumultuous time. But personally, I cannot live like that; putting lies out into the world so that I can feel better about my truth. My truth is my truth, and while my location and situation might change from day to day or year to year, my true self, my heart, and my spirit remain the same.
While I do believe that it's important to always put your best foot forward and present yourself to the world in the best possible way, you should do that for yourself, not for anyone else. You should be pleasant and considerate and loving toward others, not so that you'll receive accolades or praise, but because that's the best way to live YOUR OWN LIFE. I believe we should all want to be honest and caring and generous because it's the right way to live to make the world a better place. We should be able to look into the mirror and like what we see not because of what other people have said to us, but because of the integrity and decency and sincerity we have fully brought to each day.
The irony of all of this is that for the people who are living their lives based on others' approval of them, they are going to be shocked when they learn the real truth: Nobody else really cares. They are going to all of this trouble to put on the positive front and the good show, waiting expectantly for the applause....and the truth is, what's going on in their lives really isn't that important to anyone else. Everyone else is so caught up in their own issues and problems and getting through each day that someone else's anniversary gift or kid's report card really doesn't have an effect on them whatsoever. They might take a nanosecond to hit "like," and then they move on to their next thing. But that "like," or the quantity of "likes" an approval-seeking person might get, or not get, can make or break that person's whole day, or week, or month, or year.
At this point in my life, all of that outer appearance stuff is not for me. I'm all for sharing special moments and inspirational messages with others. No man is an island, that's for sure. But I'm not interested in perpetuating dichotomies or giving a "thumbs up" to codswallop. (look it up) No one is responsible for my happiness or my approval of myself besides me, and I refuse to give that power to anyone else.
It has been said that "The truth will set you free." I'm all for living in freedom, not shackled down by false appearances and overblown pretenses. How about you?
First of all, let me say that I am not anti-Facebook. In my years of using it I have found it to be a wonderful way of keeping in touch with long distance friends, a very effective marketing tool for my music, and a phenomenal boost to my ego every year on my birthday when I receive a plethora of well wishes from friends and extended family members.
But right now I'm tired of one thing in particular. And surprisingly it's not all of the political uproar and upcoming election-spurred divisiveness.
It's the lying.
The straw that broke my Facebook-laden camel's back was a post from a friend of mine. I actually stopped following her months ago but she directed me to her page when I asked her about some photos she took on a recent hike in the mountains. Over the past 2 years I have counseled this friend about her crumbling marriage. I have listened, sympathized, offered advice, and spent many many hours trying to help her decide how and when to leave her husband. Imagine my surprise then, when I went to her page, to see post after post of the two of them smiling together, arms around each other, with captions like: "My hubby is finally home!" and "Celebrating our anniversary - I'm a lucky lady!" and "Best hubby in the world!"
So which is the lie? The years of in-person tear-filled angst and anxiety or the photos of the perfect couple?
Or there's the acquaintance who regularly posts pictures of her son's report card and soccer stats, stating how she is bursting with motherly pride at the expected excellence. She leaves out, however, the multiple times this young boy has been suspended in elementary school for bullying and physically harming his fellow classmates.
Or the photos of the family reunion, where everyone is smiling broadly for the camera, even though I personally know of one instance where one particular family member is damming back a deluge of anger, frustration, and exasperation. (I untagged myself from those photos.)
So the question is, why is it so important to put on the false show for others? Why do these people care so much about what other people think? Why are appearances so much more important than the truth?
Don't get me wrong - it's fun to see posts from a celebratory birthday party and it's uplifting to see people post inspirational stories and quotes that are helping them through their journey. But it makes my stomach turn when I see the facades that people put on to make sure that they are perceived a certain way by others. And, I would imagine, to hopefully make those same people jealous of their shiny, happy, perfect lives.
I guess it's because right now I'm committed to living and speaking my truth. I'm focused on becoming my true self at this point on my life and moving forward each day with authenticity and stability. I've been betrayed and lied to many times by people who only had their best interests at heart, and I have no time or energy left for any kind of deceit or pretense. From anyone. I honestly don't care if these people post blatant lies or lies by omission for the world to see -- I'm just choosing to not put myself in the position of seeing it or taking it in.
These people also count the number of "likes" and responses they get on their boastful posts. Which, I guess is the main reason they are posting them. For these people, the most important thing to them is the approval of others. Even if it's based on something that's not true! How is this satisfying or gratifying at all?
"When we consistently suppress and distrust our intuitive knowingness, looking instead for authority, validation, and approval from others, we give our personal power away. -Shakti Gawain
Now I'm not saying that the person who is seriously considering a divorce should post all of her grievances and anger online for all to read. But when she posts the pictures of the happy couple, to make sure that everyone perceives there are no problems whatsoever, she's perpetuating a lie. And maybe that makes her feel better in her current situation. If it does, then I am in no position to say she shouldn't do that. She should do whatever makes her happy and helps get her through this tumultuous time. But personally, I cannot live like that; putting lies out into the world so that I can feel better about my truth. My truth is my truth, and while my location and situation might change from day to day or year to year, my true self, my heart, and my spirit remain the same.
While I do believe that it's important to always put your best foot forward and present yourself to the world in the best possible way, you should do that for yourself, not for anyone else. You should be pleasant and considerate and loving toward others, not so that you'll receive accolades or praise, but because that's the best way to live YOUR OWN LIFE. I believe we should all want to be honest and caring and generous because it's the right way to live to make the world a better place. We should be able to look into the mirror and like what we see not because of what other people have said to us, but because of the integrity and decency and sincerity we have fully brought to each day.
The irony of all of this is that for the people who are living their lives based on others' approval of them, they are going to be shocked when they learn the real truth: Nobody else really cares. They are going to all of this trouble to put on the positive front and the good show, waiting expectantly for the applause....and the truth is, what's going on in their lives really isn't that important to anyone else. Everyone else is so caught up in their own issues and problems and getting through each day that someone else's anniversary gift or kid's report card really doesn't have an effect on them whatsoever. They might take a nanosecond to hit "like," and then they move on to their next thing. But that "like," or the quantity of "likes" an approval-seeking person might get, or not get, can make or break that person's whole day, or week, or month, or year.
At this point in my life, all of that outer appearance stuff is not for me. I'm all for sharing special moments and inspirational messages with others. No man is an island, that's for sure. But I'm not interested in perpetuating dichotomies or giving a "thumbs up" to codswallop. (look it up) No one is responsible for my happiness or my approval of myself besides me, and I refuse to give that power to anyone else.
It has been said that "The truth will set you free." I'm all for living in freedom, not shackled down by false appearances and overblown pretenses. How about you?
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