Anne Frank famously wrote: "I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart."
I used to believe that. I'm sad to say that I no longer do. I do believe firmly that most people are born good, and it is only after going through heartbreak or suffering or the steady chipping away of their self-esteems, that goodness gets either beaten out of them or buried deep inside them where it's barely accessible anymore.
Anne Frank started writing in her diary at age 13. The quote above was written when she was 15 and had been in hiding for more than 2 years. She was brilliant beyond her years and her dream of living beyond her death has blessedly come true. She died at 16, getting to live and breathe for only around 5,700 days (roughly 750 of those days spent completely indoors and in fear). I am very grateful for her words that continue to live on and inspire others when they are going through difficult times.
I wonder though, would she still have felt that people were truly good at heart had she witnessed the unspeakable horrors that were going on nearby? She writes with the optimism of a young heart, who while in her prison had also been sheltered from the heinous acts that human beings were inflicting upon other human beings. It's understandable that she would have this view because thankfully she did not see the truth of what was going on until she herself was shipped away to witness it, her unfinished diary left behind.
Obviously I am not comparing anything in my life to her life. That is not my intention at all because, quite simply, that is absurd. But I am taking that phrase that she wrote, and trying to attach it to my older, scarred, oft-wounded heart.
I can't do it.
I sincerely wish I could. The truth is, I know a lot of very good people. They have good hearts and good souls and they don't try to make the world more difficult for other people.
But the truth also is, I know a lot of people who were probably once good, but who have allowed the cruelty and injustices of the world around them penetrate their hearts and replace the good intentions and feelings with ones of resentment, anger, and frustration. These people's goodness is buried so deeply inside of them that I don't think they can even find it anymore, much less those of us who are outside of their damaged souls.
It seems that most people are looking out for themselves first, and consideration toward others isn't even on their radar most of the time. I believe that, ideally, acts of kindness like helping someone on the side of the road, rescuing someone from a flood, or paying for someone's meal anonymously shouldn't be so rare that they make news headlines. Instead, shouldn't this behavior be the norm? We are all on this Earth together so it seems to me that we should be seeking out ways to help one another and lift each other up, instead of taking every opportunity to get in the way or bring each other down.
It's gotten to the point where my family and I are genuinely surprised when we have a pleasant, no-strings attached conversation with a salesperson or acquaintance. It also makes us think, "Wouldn't it be nice if most people acted like that on a regular basis?"
But everyone has their own demons and issues that they are carrying around and often times spewing them about onto others. And while I believe that everyone views themselves as nice and caring and kind, nine times out of ten a person will throw their fellow human being under a proverbial bus if it will save him/herself from blame or misery or unpleasant consequences.
Nine times out of ten. Yep, that's what I said. Why do I say that? Because I've seen it. I've experienced it in every job I have had, and also with people who had claimed to be my friends. I've seen it happen to family members, I've read about it in history books, and I've seen it countless times on television and social media. It seems that no matter how good we try to be as people ourselves, we still have to face the people who are far from good at heart.
But enough of that cynicism. Let's try to figure out a way to deal with the fact that the majority of people we come in contact with every day are not whom we would consider to be good at heart, even though they may truly want to be.
I turn to Anne for another quote: "I don't think of all of the misery, but of the beauty that still remains."
Ah yes. Thank you Anne, for these amazing words of wisdom, and ones that I can actually get on board with.
It's true that people will be unkind no matter what you do. It's true that people will try to sabotage your good work and bad-mouth you to others for the purpose of making themselves feel better. People will insult you to your face, make rude, unnecessary comments about aspects of how you live, they will degrade, demean, and belittle you without giving it a second thought, and yes, sometimes people will also betray you and lie and take advantage of you and your relationship. It happens, and it hurts every time.
But thankfully, we have a way out of this mess, and we must get ourselves out of it or we're in danger of becoming like the people who have wronged us. And that way is, to see the beauty that still remains. Yes, this person who said they were a friend stabbed us in the back and made us doubt our ability to connect with and trust others. But, this OTHER person remembered our birthday and dropped off soup when we were sick. A-ha! We can choose to focus our attention on the first person or the second person. We can fill our mind with how badly we feel and how wrong it was for us to be treated that way, or we can change our thoughts to appreciate the good things, and the good people in our lives.
This is not easy to do. For some reason it is always easier to focus on the misery rather than the beauty. Maybe if we plan for the misery and stay prepared in our headspace for it, then that will help us deal with it when it comes. Well guess what? It doesn't work that way! Misery comes to all of us at one point or another, and staying miserable doesn't prevent it from happening nor does it make it easier to deal with when it's there. It's coming whether we think about it or not, I so think it makes sense to spend our precious time here on Earth focusing on the good things, the joyful things, and the things that make us happy.
I've said it before: Happiness is a choice. We can choose to look at every situation positively or negatively and it's all going on inside our heads. Some people curse the rain because it means they have to stay inside while others praise the rain for it helping to make their gardens grow. It's all in how you look at it.
So where does that leave us? Well, it leaves me still believing that most people are not good at heart, but I'm making the choice to focus on the people and things that I know ARE good - good for me and good for the world around me - and keep my eyes on the beauty that remains.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Pain is a great equalizer
So I've been in varying amounts of physical pain for the past 3 1/2 years. Over the course of my life I have also had times when I have been in severe emotional pain. Just 2 hours ago I woke up from a horrible nightmare that left me filled with intense, agonizing, and all-too-familiar inner pain. The kind of deep, throbbing pain that makes you desperate to do anything to just make it go away and leave you with some remnants of peace.
Pain is an extremely powerful and motivating thing. And it can actually be beneficial at times. More than that, it's an essential tool for survival for every living thing on the planet. When you are in physical pain it's telling the brain that a part of your body is broken or in distress and the body goes into immediate earnest action to heal that part. It sends a signal to your synapses to take your hand off of the hot stove burner so you don't do damage to your skin and nerves. It helps cuts and bruises get better and hopefully reminds us to walk around the coffee table instead of into it next time. Physical pain, while painful, is usually temporary, and at some point our neurochemical analgesics hopefully kick in to help relieve us of the pain while our bodies try to fix the problem.
Emotional pain however, is different. It's not caused by a one-time action like a fall or an accident. No, emotional pain is caused by unseen injuries and torments, often inflicted by people we have loved and trusted. Years of abuse, loneliness, grief, disappointment, despair, frustration, and neglect can result in overwhelming, long-lasting, and often perpetual emotional pain. It can be worse than physical pain because for some people, it never goes away.
Here's the thing about pain: It has a mind of its own and no one is safe from it. It doesn't care about how much money you have, where you went to college, how big your house is, or the height of your position on the org chart at work. It also has no interest in your goals and aspirations. Even if you are living your life to the best of your ability, doing what you believe to be right each day and making a positive contribution to the world around you, pain can come at any time and smack you upside the head (sometimes literally) and leave you gasping for breath and searching your soul (and medicine cabinet) for the slightest amount of possible relief.
Everyone, at any time, is at risk, and everyone knows what it feels like. And from what I've learned, nearly everyone around us is in some kind of pain at any given time.
We're all the same when it comes to pain. We don't want to feel it, and some of us will go to great lengths to prevent ourselves from experiencing it at all costs. And while this may sound strange, I finally understand why some people participate in destructive behavior. I am not doing this myself, nor am I condoning it by any means...but at this point, after all that I've been through and continue to go through, I can understand why people turn to certain things to numb or dull their pain.
Why do people get addicted to painkillers?
That's an easy one, because they are in pain.
Why do people get addicted to things like sugar, sex, shopping, gambling, and other activities that release endorphins in the brain and therefore make themselves feel good, even briefly, on a chemically physiological level?
It's actually very simple. They are in pain.
On a deeper level, why do spouses beat their loved ones?
Pain.
Why are some people mean-spirited, verbally abusive, vindictive, and take great pleasure in the anguish of others?
One word: Pain.
I knew someone in a loveless marriage who smacked her children, insulted her friends regularly, and was $30,000 in debt from buying shoes and purses at an alarmingly high rate. I used to think she was just foolish and angry and "didn't have her act together," but now I can see that the main motivator for her actions was pain. Pure and simple. Instead of dismissing her and her behaviors with scorn and disdain, I can now feel empathy for her and the pain she is clearly feeling every moment of every day.
That's the other thing about pain: It's the same for all of us. If a human being breaks a femur bone, that body will feel acute, excruciating, phenomenally intense pain. It doesn't matter what color skin covers that body, how many pounds that body weighs, or what special or distinctive abilities that body has. If the femur bone breaks, in any body, it hurts like hell.
On any given day, in any given moment, probably every single person we come across is in some kind of pain. It might be physical - his back went out earlier from shoveling snow, she has achy calves from overdoing her workout the day before, he or she has an ingrown toenail, or a cavity, or a headache from not getting enough sleep...the list goes on and on and on. Or, possibly more likely, they are walking around in emotional pain - from deep personal injuries inflicted upon them years ago that they are still carrying around despite their best efforts to get rid of them. The truth is, we all bleed when we're cut, we all know how difficult it is to think clearly when we have a sore mouth, and we all know the debilitating grief and despair that comes from losing someone we have loved.
So what does this mean? Well I believe, on a fundamental level, that we should be kinder to one another. It doesn't mean that we have to approve of everyone's behavior or accept people's actions when they are wrong and hurtful to others. Absolutely not. But maybe realizing the egalitarian nature of pain can make us a little more patient with our fellow human beings when it's clear they are suffering. Maybe we can all try to cut each other some slack and give people the benefit of the doubt when they are act or react in ways that we might not agree with.
Pain can be a terrible, awful, exhausting and isolating thing to deal with. And yes, pain thresholds vary so it's difficult sometimes to sympathize with the pain of others. But from the very first time we fall down as babies we know what pain feels like, and we should remember that every single human being on the Earth knows it too.
Pain is an extremely powerful and motivating thing. And it can actually be beneficial at times. More than that, it's an essential tool for survival for every living thing on the planet. When you are in physical pain it's telling the brain that a part of your body is broken or in distress and the body goes into immediate earnest action to heal that part. It sends a signal to your synapses to take your hand off of the hot stove burner so you don't do damage to your skin and nerves. It helps cuts and bruises get better and hopefully reminds us to walk around the coffee table instead of into it next time. Physical pain, while painful, is usually temporary, and at some point our neurochemical analgesics hopefully kick in to help relieve us of the pain while our bodies try to fix the problem.
Emotional pain however, is different. It's not caused by a one-time action like a fall or an accident. No, emotional pain is caused by unseen injuries and torments, often inflicted by people we have loved and trusted. Years of abuse, loneliness, grief, disappointment, despair, frustration, and neglect can result in overwhelming, long-lasting, and often perpetual emotional pain. It can be worse than physical pain because for some people, it never goes away.
Here's the thing about pain: It has a mind of its own and no one is safe from it. It doesn't care about how much money you have, where you went to college, how big your house is, or the height of your position on the org chart at work. It also has no interest in your goals and aspirations. Even if you are living your life to the best of your ability, doing what you believe to be right each day and making a positive contribution to the world around you, pain can come at any time and smack you upside the head (sometimes literally) and leave you gasping for breath and searching your soul (and medicine cabinet) for the slightest amount of possible relief.
Everyone, at any time, is at risk, and everyone knows what it feels like. And from what I've learned, nearly everyone around us is in some kind of pain at any given time.
We're all the same when it comes to pain. We don't want to feel it, and some of us will go to great lengths to prevent ourselves from experiencing it at all costs. And while this may sound strange, I finally understand why some people participate in destructive behavior. I am not doing this myself, nor am I condoning it by any means...but at this point, after all that I've been through and continue to go through, I can understand why people turn to certain things to numb or dull their pain.
Why do people get addicted to painkillers?
That's an easy one, because they are in pain.
Why do people get addicted to things like sugar, sex, shopping, gambling, and other activities that release endorphins in the brain and therefore make themselves feel good, even briefly, on a chemically physiological level?
It's actually very simple. They are in pain.
On a deeper level, why do spouses beat their loved ones?
Pain.
Why are some people mean-spirited, verbally abusive, vindictive, and take great pleasure in the anguish of others?
One word: Pain.
I knew someone in a loveless marriage who smacked her children, insulted her friends regularly, and was $30,000 in debt from buying shoes and purses at an alarmingly high rate. I used to think she was just foolish and angry and "didn't have her act together," but now I can see that the main motivator for her actions was pain. Pure and simple. Instead of dismissing her and her behaviors with scorn and disdain, I can now feel empathy for her and the pain she is clearly feeling every moment of every day.
That's the other thing about pain: It's the same for all of us. If a human being breaks a femur bone, that body will feel acute, excruciating, phenomenally intense pain. It doesn't matter what color skin covers that body, how many pounds that body weighs, or what special or distinctive abilities that body has. If the femur bone breaks, in any body, it hurts like hell.
On any given day, in any given moment, probably every single person we come across is in some kind of pain. It might be physical - his back went out earlier from shoveling snow, she has achy calves from overdoing her workout the day before, he or she has an ingrown toenail, or a cavity, or a headache from not getting enough sleep...the list goes on and on and on. Or, possibly more likely, they are walking around in emotional pain - from deep personal injuries inflicted upon them years ago that they are still carrying around despite their best efforts to get rid of them. The truth is, we all bleed when we're cut, we all know how difficult it is to think clearly when we have a sore mouth, and we all know the debilitating grief and despair that comes from losing someone we have loved.
So what does this mean? Well I believe, on a fundamental level, that we should be kinder to one another. It doesn't mean that we have to approve of everyone's behavior or accept people's actions when they are wrong and hurtful to others. Absolutely not. But maybe realizing the egalitarian nature of pain can make us a little more patient with our fellow human beings when it's clear they are suffering. Maybe we can all try to cut each other some slack and give people the benefit of the doubt when they are act or react in ways that we might not agree with.
Pain can be a terrible, awful, exhausting and isolating thing to deal with. And yes, pain thresholds vary so it's difficult sometimes to sympathize with the pain of others. But from the very first time we fall down as babies we know what pain feels like, and we should remember that every single human being on the Earth knows it too.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Facebook - A Cautionary Tale
Ah Facebook. Some people love it, some people hate it, very few are indifferent about it. It is an incredibly influential entity of our current time, which is fascinating because it's only been a part of the public consciousness for fewer than 10 years.
As I've said before, I am not wholly anti-Facebook. I think Facebook can be great when used healthily and in moderation. (Kind of like sugar.) For myself personally, Facebook has been a great asset in promoting my music and performances and for staying in touch with people whom I was sorry I lost touch with years ago. I haven't been on much since my last post about it, but I did recently check out the tributes to Carrie Fisher and some of the "In Memoriam" compilations from the end of the year. As usual however, along with those touching and uplifting posts, there were the all-too-typical vitriolic rants about politics, religion, conspiracy theories, and the generally dismal opinion of the current state of things. I also was privy to many shiny happy holiday highlight reels posted by people I know, many of whom are living vastly different lives from the ones they are projecting into the world.
This last jaunt made me realize 2 things: 1. Sharing the good stuff in spite of the difficulties is probably a coping mechanism for these people. They are putting the positive out there in the hopes that their real lives will eventually mirror their shared ones. Not a bad idea. Of course, this is also a mode of escapism, but maybe that's what these people need right now. 2. The people who post every meal, every Christmas gift received, and selfies everywhere they go must have a pathological need for attention and approval. Which is kind of a shame.
For example, I know someone who posts A LOT. A photo and description of her breakfast, followed by a selfie on the way to the gym, followed by something funny she saw at the grocery store, followed by the book she's currently reading, followed by something inspirational she saw online, followed by the pile of onions she's chopped for dinner, followed by her son's soccer game after school, followed by her glass of wine and Netflix selection for the evening...it's several personal posts nearly every day. And on every single post many of her Facebook friends post positive responses and comments. All of those posts encourages her to post more and it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. I totally get it - I mean, who doesn't want immediate gratification and approval from our own personal cheerleaders because we went to the gym or made a nice dinner? But I think a person can become dependent on those responses, so therefore her trip to the gym doesn't "count" if no one else knows about it and gives her a virtual thumbs up for going. It's not enough to simply share her expert dicing skills in the dish she prepares for her family, she has to get kudos from people outside of her house to reassure her that she's skilled and admired and worthy of the accolades.
What is that?
I read a study that measured people's happiness after quitting FB and the researchers found that after only 7 days, the quitters were 88% happier than the non-quitters. Are you kidding me? Those are some mighty significant results I think. Not only did so many of these people feel happier overall, but they also felt less angry, less alone, less depressed, more decisive, more enthusiastic, and enjoyed their lives more. Makes sense - if you're living your life according to your terms without having to worry about posting your actions; and then seeing the reactions you might get as a result, it takes a lot of pressure off of yourself and opens up a world of freedom to do what you want no matter what anyone else thinks.
No. Matter. What. Anyone. Else. Thinks.
Facebook is designed to be all about putting yourself out there and therefore opening yourself up to feedback. And for some people, getting no feedback is worse than receiving negative feedback. No feedback means that people may not have even bothered to look at their posts! And if they didn't have their post looked at, and/or they didn't receive comments on it, then it might as well not have even happened. It wasn't validated in any way, so the person posting isn't validated either.
Why do some people seek this day to day, seemingly minute to minute approval from others?
Again, I'm not talking about sharing photos of proud moments or family reunions or special occasions or trip slide shows. These keep people updated and tend to bring a sense of joy and inspiration to others when they see them. (i.e. "The Smith family went to Australia! We're going there next year so let's call them for travel tips." Or "Do you remember Jenny from Nevada? Her mother has cancer, let's be sure to send her a card." Etc.) I do not have any problem with using FB that way, in fact, I welcome the opportunity to find out about these things. Used in this way I think can be beneficial.
But another problem that I have with Facebook, and I know I'm not alone in this, is that it can be a huge time sucker. I was talking with an acquaintance who said to me recently, "The kids were with my ex over vacation and I was so bored that I ended up going on Facebook for 2 hours!"
She was bored, so instead of doing something fun or productive with her time, she spent that time sitting all alone, staring at her computer screen, watching what other people were doing. (And this, by the way, is from the woman who is always too busy to read the books for book club!) This made me think, how many books have gone unread, or unwritten for that matter, because people were squandering their precious free time by gaping at other people's lives? How many pictures have gone unpainted, how many songs have gone unwritten, how much fashion has gone have gone unsewn, how many museums have remained empty, the list of creative and inspiring things people could be doing with their time is endless.
Not to mention, what is so wrong with being a little bit bored from time to time? Think about it: If we're not constantly rushing around, hurrying from one thing to another to make sure we're never bored, then we may actually get an opportunity to figure out what we'd rather be doing and assess what our true passions are. It's only when we have nothing else to do that we can realize what it is we'd LIKE to be doing instead.
My friends and I never complained about being bored to our parents because that would have inevitably resulted in us being assigned something productive to do around the house. So how did we occupy ourselves and procrastinate without social media? In other words, what were the time suckers of our childhoods? I was a reader, some kids spent hours on the phone, some hung out at the mall, and some played sports with the neighborhood kids. While these activities definitely kept us from doing things like our chores and homework, we always managed to take care of our responsibilities anyway. Why? Partly because parenting was different back then and there were serious consequences when our household chores went undone. But even more than that aspect, I believe that the biggest reason we didn't get completely immersed in our distractions was because they all had definite ending times. The book eventually ended so I could put it down and attend to my obligations. The mall eventually closed, or we had a set pick up time so we couldn't stay there forever. Stickball games ended when the street lights came on so everyone could go home and eat dinner. We didn't expect to do any of these things without a defined completion time.
But Facebook isn't like that. Nor is YouTube or Twitter or other social media sharing sites. Because the internet has billions and billions of data items on it, and that number is growing every single day. This means that even a casual user can literally never be done with it. (As of September 8, 2016, there were 4.3 billion Facebook messages posted every day and 5.75 billion Facebook likes posted each day as well.) Once you click on one video to watch, another one pops up that's similar, and then there's another followed by another followed by another ad infinitum. So it's very easy to see why people end up spending so much time on Facebook (and other sites too) - with a book you can put it down when it ends but with the internet, there's never an end.
I am by no means longing for the simplicity of my youth when books and 3 television channels were our main sources of entertainment. Not at all! But I do think it's worth remembering the time before social media sharing when we did things that we enjoyed without constantly thinking about showing them to everyone we knew. There wasn't pressure to keep our hair perfectly done at the pool because there was no danger of someone snapping a photo and sharing with with the world. We could go to a restaurant and simply enjoy a meal without feeling the need to take a perfectly framed picture of it to prove to others that we know good cuisine. There wasn't the stress in the back (or front) of our minds that we had to do certain things or go to certain places to make sure we were keeping up with everyone else's accomplishments that we were hearing about multiple times during each day.
Facebook can be a wonderful tool of support when people need it. I personally received a lot of loving messages of encouragement from dozens of people when I was going through my failed back surgery and complications. And I think if someone wants to go on it every few weeks to catch up on people or news that's perfectly fine. But when people focus all of their energies on doing things just so they can post them, or when they spend copious amounts of time watching and envying other people instead of concentrating on their own lives, or when hard-hearted souls decide to broadcast their prejudices to demean and belittle others, then I think it's a detriment to our psyches. Children have committed suicide, marriages have broken apart, and life-long friendships have ended due to people placing excessive meaning on what they see on Facebook. I'm assuming that Facebook wasn't the only reason these tragedies occurred, but it certainly seems to have played a tremendous part.
One more time, I'm not scorning Facebook as an entity. It is the best way we currently have to find and keep in touch with people we'd previously lost touch with. It's a fun, efficient, and no-cost way to get the word out about life events like new jobs, new homes, new family members, and birthday milestones. It helps artists publicize their gigs, business owners to drum up new customers, and a great way to solicit advice from a vast cross-section of the virtual population. But when it becomes the barometer by which you measure your self-worth, your main motivation for what you do, or an endless black hole into which your real life goals and dreams disappear, I believe it can be dangerous. I encourage you to find another way to fill your leisure time with something that is REAL, that satisfies and sustains you, and that is creative, invigorating, relaxing, and truly fulfilling. Volunteer at a community garden, knit scarves for your grandparents, paint the walls of your bedroom a new color - whatever makes you happy and fills you up while remembering that the activity is just for YOU. There's no need to post the results because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it. If those things are too strenuous, then find something to do that's pleasurable but has a definite ending point. Watching Netflix, reading comic books, baking cupcakes, whatever - but they should be things that you enjoy that don't have the potential to go on forever.
Life is short. It's up to you how you want to spend the time that you've been given. Do you think anyone's final thoughts on his or her deathbed are "I wish I'd spent more time on Facebook?"
As I've said before, I am not wholly anti-Facebook. I think Facebook can be great when used healthily and in moderation. (Kind of like sugar.) For myself personally, Facebook has been a great asset in promoting my music and performances and for staying in touch with people whom I was sorry I lost touch with years ago. I haven't been on much since my last post about it, but I did recently check out the tributes to Carrie Fisher and some of the "In Memoriam" compilations from the end of the year. As usual however, along with those touching and uplifting posts, there were the all-too-typical vitriolic rants about politics, religion, conspiracy theories, and the generally dismal opinion of the current state of things. I also was privy to many shiny happy holiday highlight reels posted by people I know, many of whom are living vastly different lives from the ones they are projecting into the world.
This last jaunt made me realize 2 things: 1. Sharing the good stuff in spite of the difficulties is probably a coping mechanism for these people. They are putting the positive out there in the hopes that their real lives will eventually mirror their shared ones. Not a bad idea. Of course, this is also a mode of escapism, but maybe that's what these people need right now. 2. The people who post every meal, every Christmas gift received, and selfies everywhere they go must have a pathological need for attention and approval. Which is kind of a shame.
For example, I know someone who posts A LOT. A photo and description of her breakfast, followed by a selfie on the way to the gym, followed by something funny she saw at the grocery store, followed by the book she's currently reading, followed by something inspirational she saw online, followed by the pile of onions she's chopped for dinner, followed by her son's soccer game after school, followed by her glass of wine and Netflix selection for the evening...it's several personal posts nearly every day. And on every single post many of her Facebook friends post positive responses and comments. All of those posts encourages her to post more and it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. I totally get it - I mean, who doesn't want immediate gratification and approval from our own personal cheerleaders because we went to the gym or made a nice dinner? But I think a person can become dependent on those responses, so therefore her trip to the gym doesn't "count" if no one else knows about it and gives her a virtual thumbs up for going. It's not enough to simply share her expert dicing skills in the dish she prepares for her family, she has to get kudos from people outside of her house to reassure her that she's skilled and admired and worthy of the accolades.
What is that?
I read a study that measured people's happiness after quitting FB and the researchers found that after only 7 days, the quitters were 88% happier than the non-quitters. Are you kidding me? Those are some mighty significant results I think. Not only did so many of these people feel happier overall, but they also felt less angry, less alone, less depressed, more decisive, more enthusiastic, and enjoyed their lives more. Makes sense - if you're living your life according to your terms without having to worry about posting your actions; and then seeing the reactions you might get as a result, it takes a lot of pressure off of yourself and opens up a world of freedom to do what you want no matter what anyone else thinks.
No. Matter. What. Anyone. Else. Thinks.
Facebook is designed to be all about putting yourself out there and therefore opening yourself up to feedback. And for some people, getting no feedback is worse than receiving negative feedback. No feedback means that people may not have even bothered to look at their posts! And if they didn't have their post looked at, and/or they didn't receive comments on it, then it might as well not have even happened. It wasn't validated in any way, so the person posting isn't validated either.
Why do some people seek this day to day, seemingly minute to minute approval from others?
Again, I'm not talking about sharing photos of proud moments or family reunions or special occasions or trip slide shows. These keep people updated and tend to bring a sense of joy and inspiration to others when they see them. (i.e. "The Smith family went to Australia! We're going there next year so let's call them for travel tips." Or "Do you remember Jenny from Nevada? Her mother has cancer, let's be sure to send her a card." Etc.) I do not have any problem with using FB that way, in fact, I welcome the opportunity to find out about these things. Used in this way I think can be beneficial.
But another problem that I have with Facebook, and I know I'm not alone in this, is that it can be a huge time sucker. I was talking with an acquaintance who said to me recently, "The kids were with my ex over vacation and I was so bored that I ended up going on Facebook for 2 hours!"
She was bored, so instead of doing something fun or productive with her time, she spent that time sitting all alone, staring at her computer screen, watching what other people were doing. (And this, by the way, is from the woman who is always too busy to read the books for book club!) This made me think, how many books have gone unread, or unwritten for that matter, because people were squandering their precious free time by gaping at other people's lives? How many pictures have gone unpainted, how many songs have gone unwritten, how much fashion has gone have gone unsewn, how many museums have remained empty, the list of creative and inspiring things people could be doing with their time is endless.
Not to mention, what is so wrong with being a little bit bored from time to time? Think about it: If we're not constantly rushing around, hurrying from one thing to another to make sure we're never bored, then we may actually get an opportunity to figure out what we'd rather be doing and assess what our true passions are. It's only when we have nothing else to do that we can realize what it is we'd LIKE to be doing instead.
My friends and I never complained about being bored to our parents because that would have inevitably resulted in us being assigned something productive to do around the house. So how did we occupy ourselves and procrastinate without social media? In other words, what were the time suckers of our childhoods? I was a reader, some kids spent hours on the phone, some hung out at the mall, and some played sports with the neighborhood kids. While these activities definitely kept us from doing things like our chores and homework, we always managed to take care of our responsibilities anyway. Why? Partly because parenting was different back then and there were serious consequences when our household chores went undone. But even more than that aspect, I believe that the biggest reason we didn't get completely immersed in our distractions was because they all had definite ending times. The book eventually ended so I could put it down and attend to my obligations. The mall eventually closed, or we had a set pick up time so we couldn't stay there forever. Stickball games ended when the street lights came on so everyone could go home and eat dinner. We didn't expect to do any of these things without a defined completion time.
But Facebook isn't like that. Nor is YouTube or Twitter or other social media sharing sites. Because the internet has billions and billions of data items on it, and that number is growing every single day. This means that even a casual user can literally never be done with it. (As of September 8, 2016, there were 4.3 billion Facebook messages posted every day and 5.75 billion Facebook likes posted each day as well.) Once you click on one video to watch, another one pops up that's similar, and then there's another followed by another followed by another ad infinitum. So it's very easy to see why people end up spending so much time on Facebook (and other sites too) - with a book you can put it down when it ends but with the internet, there's never an end.
I am by no means longing for the simplicity of my youth when books and 3 television channels were our main sources of entertainment. Not at all! But I do think it's worth remembering the time before social media sharing when we did things that we enjoyed without constantly thinking about showing them to everyone we knew. There wasn't pressure to keep our hair perfectly done at the pool because there was no danger of someone snapping a photo and sharing with with the world. We could go to a restaurant and simply enjoy a meal without feeling the need to take a perfectly framed picture of it to prove to others that we know good cuisine. There wasn't the stress in the back (or front) of our minds that we had to do certain things or go to certain places to make sure we were keeping up with everyone else's accomplishments that we were hearing about multiple times during each day.
Facebook can be a wonderful tool of support when people need it. I personally received a lot of loving messages of encouragement from dozens of people when I was going through my failed back surgery and complications. And I think if someone wants to go on it every few weeks to catch up on people or news that's perfectly fine. But when people focus all of their energies on doing things just so they can post them, or when they spend copious amounts of time watching and envying other people instead of concentrating on their own lives, or when hard-hearted souls decide to broadcast their prejudices to demean and belittle others, then I think it's a detriment to our psyches. Children have committed suicide, marriages have broken apart, and life-long friendships have ended due to people placing excessive meaning on what they see on Facebook. I'm assuming that Facebook wasn't the only reason these tragedies occurred, but it certainly seems to have played a tremendous part.
One more time, I'm not scorning Facebook as an entity. It is the best way we currently have to find and keep in touch with people we'd previously lost touch with. It's a fun, efficient, and no-cost way to get the word out about life events like new jobs, new homes, new family members, and birthday milestones. It helps artists publicize their gigs, business owners to drum up new customers, and a great way to solicit advice from a vast cross-section of the virtual population. But when it becomes the barometer by which you measure your self-worth, your main motivation for what you do, or an endless black hole into which your real life goals and dreams disappear, I believe it can be dangerous. I encourage you to find another way to fill your leisure time with something that is REAL, that satisfies and sustains you, and that is creative, invigorating, relaxing, and truly fulfilling. Volunteer at a community garden, knit scarves for your grandparents, paint the walls of your bedroom a new color - whatever makes you happy and fills you up while remembering that the activity is just for YOU. There's no need to post the results because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it. If those things are too strenuous, then find something to do that's pleasurable but has a definite ending point. Watching Netflix, reading comic books, baking cupcakes, whatever - but they should be things that you enjoy that don't have the potential to go on forever.
Life is short. It's up to you how you want to spend the time that you've been given. Do you think anyone's final thoughts on his or her deathbed are "I wish I'd spent more time on Facebook?"
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Thank you 2016
Many people are celebrating the end of this past year by being thankful that it's finally over. It seems that collectively 2016 was not the best year for everyone and most of us are all too glad to bid it farewell. Many well-known and influential celebrities passed away, most of them unexpectedly. People were disheartened by the election, as well as worn out and exhausted from the media coverage for the several months preceding the final results. Tragedies abounded throughout the world and in our own backyards and for most of us, 2016 was one of weariness, pain, and disappointment.
I get it. My own family was personally affected by many health issues, some dashed hopes, a few soul crushing disappointments, and one specifically recurring obstacle. Looking back, it was not one of our easier years overall. But to the people who are signifying the end of the year with GIFs that blow up the numbers and telling the year itself what it can do to itself through profanity, I have one thing to say:
HOORAY!!! WE MADE IT!!
We did! And it feels a little bit like a slap in the face to all of those beloved people, famous or not, who passed away during the past year who would gladly give anything; and I mean anything, to have gotten to live through the whole year like we did. They would have done literally any thing for one more day, one more hour, even one more minute - and here we are, focusing on all of the bad stuff that happened instead of being grateful that we're still here. We're still here to breathe, to smell, to enjoy, to embrace our loved ones, to walk, to dream, and to celebrate all of the exciting things that the future has to offer. Alan Rickman, Carrie Fisher, Garry Marshall, David Bowie, Gene Wilder, Florence Henderson, Debbie Reynolds, George Michael, Prince...the list goes on and on and on...along with the other millions of people who were loved by families and friends who are no longer with us, don't get to do any of those things. Ever again.
And let's not forget either that while the bandwagon is saying that 2016 was just a bad year in toto, some terrifically fantastic things happened too. People fell in love, babies were born, students graduated, new jobs were started, spectacular music and films and art were released into the world, new homes were moved into, significant advances were made in the fields of science and medicine, new endeavors were explored, The USA rocked the Olympics, The Cubs won the World Series, Leonardo DiCaprio won an academy award, and Hamilton happened!! Not too shabby people.
And let us not also forget that we are living in a time of phenomenal progress. We have smartphones and washing machines, successful cancer treatments and memory care facilities, inexpensive home hair coloring kits, bluetooth speakers, electric lights and self-driving cars. And as Jef Mallet, the brilliant creator of the comic strip Frazz put it today: "But in the wider picture, especially if you remove anticipatory or imagined badness — i.e., fear and worry — I don’t know, it’s just hard for me to picture someone in 14th-century, plague-ravaged Europe looking at 2016 in some kind of time machine and thinking, “well, at least I won’t have to go through THAT sh*t.”
Gotta love some good old-fashioned perspective.
So yes, while 2016 was filled with what seems like more bad than good (our own nuclear family met its high medical insurance deductible by the first week of September), and while it may take some of us time to refresh and rebuild from the disappointments of the closing year, let's be thankful that we're still here to do that, let's count our blessings instead of our defeats, and let's look forward with hope and optimistic anticipation of what the beautiful shiny new year will bring.
Because no matter what happened yesterday, or last month, or last year, we are still here - to love, to wonder, to pursue, to laugh, to cry, to eat, to drink, to celebrate, and to LIVE.
Thank you 2016.
I get it. My own family was personally affected by many health issues, some dashed hopes, a few soul crushing disappointments, and one specifically recurring obstacle. Looking back, it was not one of our easier years overall. But to the people who are signifying the end of the year with GIFs that blow up the numbers and telling the year itself what it can do to itself through profanity, I have one thing to say:
HOORAY!!! WE MADE IT!!
We did! And it feels a little bit like a slap in the face to all of those beloved people, famous or not, who passed away during the past year who would gladly give anything; and I mean anything, to have gotten to live through the whole year like we did. They would have done literally any thing for one more day, one more hour, even one more minute - and here we are, focusing on all of the bad stuff that happened instead of being grateful that we're still here. We're still here to breathe, to smell, to enjoy, to embrace our loved ones, to walk, to dream, and to celebrate all of the exciting things that the future has to offer. Alan Rickman, Carrie Fisher, Garry Marshall, David Bowie, Gene Wilder, Florence Henderson, Debbie Reynolds, George Michael, Prince...the list goes on and on and on...along with the other millions of people who were loved by families and friends who are no longer with us, don't get to do any of those things. Ever again.
And let's not forget either that while the bandwagon is saying that 2016 was just a bad year in toto, some terrifically fantastic things happened too. People fell in love, babies were born, students graduated, new jobs were started, spectacular music and films and art were released into the world, new homes were moved into, significant advances were made in the fields of science and medicine, new endeavors were explored, The USA rocked the Olympics, The Cubs won the World Series, Leonardo DiCaprio won an academy award, and Hamilton happened!! Not too shabby people.
And let us not also forget that we are living in a time of phenomenal progress. We have smartphones and washing machines, successful cancer treatments and memory care facilities, inexpensive home hair coloring kits, bluetooth speakers, electric lights and self-driving cars. And as Jef Mallet, the brilliant creator of the comic strip Frazz put it today: "But in the wider picture, especially if you remove anticipatory or imagined badness — i.e., fear and worry — I don’t know, it’s just hard for me to picture someone in 14th-century, plague-ravaged Europe looking at 2016 in some kind of time machine and thinking, “well, at least I won’t have to go through THAT sh*t.”
Gotta love some good old-fashioned perspective.
So yes, while 2016 was filled with what seems like more bad than good (our own nuclear family met its high medical insurance deductible by the first week of September), and while it may take some of us time to refresh and rebuild from the disappointments of the closing year, let's be thankful that we're still here to do that, let's count our blessings instead of our defeats, and let's look forward with hope and optimistic anticipation of what the beautiful shiny new year will bring.
Because no matter what happened yesterday, or last month, or last year, we are still here - to love, to wonder, to pursue, to laugh, to cry, to eat, to drink, to celebrate, and to LIVE.
Thank you 2016.
Friday, December 30, 2016
Carrie Fisher
Yesterday my family had the wonderful opportunity to see an exhibit of Star Wars costumes at the Denver Art Museum. I had gotten the tickets months ago so we had no way of knowing that Carrie Fisher would have passed away a few days before we saw her iconic costumes on display. We took pictures of all of them - her famous white robe from A New Hope, her helmeted and robed outfit when she rescues Han in Return of the Jedi, and of course, the infamous metal bikini that she wears two scenes later in the same movie.
That gold bikini. A fantasy come alive for every boy in the 1980s. Carrie spoke of the love/hate relationship she had with that costume in her phenomenal one-woman show "Wishful Drinking" that my husband and I saw her perform live a few years ago. (By the way, if you haven't seen the HBO recording of this show, you should really try to find it. She/the show is spectacular - funny, poignant, incredibly intelligent and insightful - and when it's over you find yourself wanting to dream bigger dreams and be kinder to the people around you.)
While the boys were thrilled to see Princess Leia dressed provocatively and in an objectified, submissive role (she was chained to the villain for crying out loud!) the rest of us were surprised to see such a strong, daring, soldier woman forced into these subservient restraints. But from her gestures and her eye-to-eye connections with her comrades, we also knew that she was just biding her time and waiting for the opportune moment to use her situation to her advantage and ultimately conquer her captors. Sure enough, she plays her part until she gets her chance, then uses the very chains she's been bound with to kill the horrible creature who has been making so many lives miserable, including her love's, for so many years. She beats the villain at his own game, as so many strong women have been doing since the beginning of time.
Although Carrie Fisher teases George Lucas about owning her likeness and putting her face on every doll, Pez dispenser, and cookie jar for the past 40 years, I have to give props to him for creating one of the first women on screen who could completely hold her own with the men in stressful situations. I didn't realize until the exhibit yesterday that Princess Leia was my first hero. In the first movie she's a soldier, a senator, and a smart, cunning leader of a huge rebellion army aimed at taking down the tyrannical and oppressive Empire. She can fire a blaster more accurately than Luke and Han, and is much more innovative when they're in trouble, proving it to them by saying, "someone has to save our skins" before leading then down the garbage chute. By the second movie she's a general in the army, and in the third we see her riding death defying speeders through a forest and once again saving the mens' hides by having a concealed pistol at the ready when all seems lost.
No one ever questioned the fact that she was fighting and plotting and participating right in there with the guys. No one was surprised at her ability to do heroic things and play an integral part in destroying Darth Vader simply because she was female. She was the only leading woman in these extraordinarily influential movies and while there was some romance in her storyline, it was a merely a side note to her character's strength, fortitude, and keen intelligence. She wasn't a caricature, she was real - a real woman, who in times of extreme stress and trouble, used her wits and her courage to make a real difference in a world besotted by evil corruption and tyranny.
On film, Carrie Fisher was a true hero. Behind the scenes, she was also the hero of her own, often weird and bizarre life. Born into Hollywood royalty, her life was affected at a very young age by her father's very public affair and her parents' subsequent very public divorce. In her books she describes her chaotic upbringing, and especially her mother, as "more designed for public than for private." Her own marriage was volatile, and her struggles with drugs and mental illness plagued her for most of her adult life. Like Princess Leia though, she was never shy or retreating about her issues - she boldly presented them honestly for all to see, and she never cared about who might be judging her for doing so. She was able to find humor and dignity and grace throughout a life that could be considered stranger than most, and she repeatedly rose from her difficulties and traumas with a smile and a wink to those who would have considered her beaten once and for all.
Sadly, so very sadly, she will not rise again this time. And her mother (whom she lived next door to and shared dinner with every night they were in town together) who died one day after her daughter, will no longer be an ever-smiling entertainer encouraging us to have a "Good mornin'!" Thankfully, at least this way they won't have to miss each other.
It is a tradition to leave a stone at a gravesite, signifying that a person was there to honor the deceased, and also as a symbol of the permanence of memory and legacy. Yesterday at the museum, I surreptitiously left a small stone at the base of the glass case that enshrined Princess Leia's iconic white robe from when we first met her in A New Hope. Both Princess Leia, and Carrie Fisher, are legacies that will remain in our collective memories forever. I can only hope, as she did, that the force will be with her, always.
That gold bikini. A fantasy come alive for every boy in the 1980s. Carrie spoke of the love/hate relationship she had with that costume in her phenomenal one-woman show "Wishful Drinking" that my husband and I saw her perform live a few years ago. (By the way, if you haven't seen the HBO recording of this show, you should really try to find it. She/the show is spectacular - funny, poignant, incredibly intelligent and insightful - and when it's over you find yourself wanting to dream bigger dreams and be kinder to the people around you.)
While the boys were thrilled to see Princess Leia dressed provocatively and in an objectified, submissive role (she was chained to the villain for crying out loud!) the rest of us were surprised to see such a strong, daring, soldier woman forced into these subservient restraints. But from her gestures and her eye-to-eye connections with her comrades, we also knew that she was just biding her time and waiting for the opportune moment to use her situation to her advantage and ultimately conquer her captors. Sure enough, she plays her part until she gets her chance, then uses the very chains she's been bound with to kill the horrible creature who has been making so many lives miserable, including her love's, for so many years. She beats the villain at his own game, as so many strong women have been doing since the beginning of time.
Although Carrie Fisher teases George Lucas about owning her likeness and putting her face on every doll, Pez dispenser, and cookie jar for the past 40 years, I have to give props to him for creating one of the first women on screen who could completely hold her own with the men in stressful situations. I didn't realize until the exhibit yesterday that Princess Leia was my first hero. In the first movie she's a soldier, a senator, and a smart, cunning leader of a huge rebellion army aimed at taking down the tyrannical and oppressive Empire. She can fire a blaster more accurately than Luke and Han, and is much more innovative when they're in trouble, proving it to them by saying, "someone has to save our skins" before leading then down the garbage chute. By the second movie she's a general in the army, and in the third we see her riding death defying speeders through a forest and once again saving the mens' hides by having a concealed pistol at the ready when all seems lost.
No one ever questioned the fact that she was fighting and plotting and participating right in there with the guys. No one was surprised at her ability to do heroic things and play an integral part in destroying Darth Vader simply because she was female. She was the only leading woman in these extraordinarily influential movies and while there was some romance in her storyline, it was a merely a side note to her character's strength, fortitude, and keen intelligence. She wasn't a caricature, she was real - a real woman, who in times of extreme stress and trouble, used her wits and her courage to make a real difference in a world besotted by evil corruption and tyranny.
On film, Carrie Fisher was a true hero. Behind the scenes, she was also the hero of her own, often weird and bizarre life. Born into Hollywood royalty, her life was affected at a very young age by her father's very public affair and her parents' subsequent very public divorce. In her books she describes her chaotic upbringing, and especially her mother, as "more designed for public than for private." Her own marriage was volatile, and her struggles with drugs and mental illness plagued her for most of her adult life. Like Princess Leia though, she was never shy or retreating about her issues - she boldly presented them honestly for all to see, and she never cared about who might be judging her for doing so. She was able to find humor and dignity and grace throughout a life that could be considered stranger than most, and she repeatedly rose from her difficulties and traumas with a smile and a wink to those who would have considered her beaten once and for all.
Sadly, so very sadly, she will not rise again this time. And her mother (whom she lived next door to and shared dinner with every night they were in town together) who died one day after her daughter, will no longer be an ever-smiling entertainer encouraging us to have a "Good mornin'!" Thankfully, at least this way they won't have to miss each other.
It is a tradition to leave a stone at a gravesite, signifying that a person was there to honor the deceased, and also as a symbol of the permanence of memory and legacy. Yesterday at the museum, I surreptitiously left a small stone at the base of the glass case that enshrined Princess Leia's iconic white robe from when we first met her in A New Hope. Both Princess Leia, and Carrie Fisher, are legacies that will remain in our collective memories forever. I can only hope, as she did, that the force will be with her, always.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Container Check
Yesterday as I was wrapping up the remains of our Thanksgiving feast I was bemoaning the lack of leftovers containers in the mountain condo where we're staying. We had to get creative with aluminum foil and forcing multiple side dishes to share occupancy in the few pans and containers we had brought with us. (Note to self: next time, bring Tupperware!)
But that got me thinking about an experience I had nearly 10 years ago when I was emotionally broken inside as a result of a betrayal and ultimate loss of a very close friend. I remember talking to someone else about it, in-between sobs, bemoaning the fact that for the umpteenth time I had trusted her to be there for me and once again she let me fall onto the concrete, shattering my fragile heart and head that I was sure I had mended once and for all. Here's what this person said back to me:
"Her container isn't big enough for you."
I had to let that one sink in for a while. It completely made sense and it created such a perfect picture of the situation. There I was, overflowing with all of my stuff - happy, sad, confused, contented, worried, stressed, joyful, etc. etc. - and I wanted to share all of that with her, but, the same as we found out with the extra gravy last night, her container simply wasn't big enough to hold all of what I was offering.
That got me thinking about my own container, and the containers of the people that I have in my life right now. It also got me thinking about people's containers in general, and how they can shift in size and space depending on what's going on with themselves and their lives at any given time. For example, I know someone who is usually thoughtful, kind, generous, and goes above and beyond to make sure that people are being taken care of. She's currently in the middle of a difficult health problem, and therefore isn't as attentive to others as possible. Her container is filled up with her own stuff, and she doesn't have any room for anyone else's stuff right now. Which of course is completely understandable and necessary, and puts the responsibility of those of us who have room in our containers to try to add some joy and thoughtfulness and love into her container, so that she can draw on those when her own reserves run low.
Then there are people whose containers seem bottomless. No matter how many times you go to them, their arms are always opened wide, they always have time to listen, and their generosity knows no bounds. These containers also seem lidless - the good stuff just keeps getting generated and shared with no bottom or top to them at all. These containers seem to be the most rare in the world.
Then there are the people whose containers are always full. Full of their accomplishments, their problems, their stresses, their unfulfilled dreams, their unbreakable opinions, their steadfast mindsets, their prejudices, their annoyances, their superior attitudes, and their staggering volume of low self-esteem and self-questionable self-worth. I know A LOT of people with these kinds of containers. So full there's no room for joy or acceptance or anyone else whose viewpoints don't match the ones in their container. There's no mixing of leftovers in these people's Tupperwares - it's white meat turkey only in there - and don't let the dark meat even touch it.
(Yes, I'm aware that was quite an on-the-nose metaphor, but fears and tempers are still running high 16 days after the 2016 election.)
This also got me thinking, is the size of each of our containers genetically determined, like the color of our eyes? After giving it some thought, I'm going to answer that with a "no." I believe that our containers are determined by our experiences in our lives and that although each one of us is born with a container, it can stretch or shrink at any time based on a plethora of factors.
Question: If someone has a particularly small container, does that make them selfish? Answer: Depends on the situation. 10 years ago I would have said, "Yes! If someone's container isn't big enough for me, or other people, then they are selfish and should be condemned for it!" Now, I'm not so sure. I know that my container's space priority, at this point in my life, is reserved for my husband and my children first. If one of them is going through something that needs my time and attention, it takes up more room in my container, which leaves less room for other people at that time. It's not going to be that way forever, it's just while we're going through this container-space-occupying thing. Does that make me selfish? I don't think so. But I wonder if people are considered selfish because they are not effectively communicating what their container is currently focused on/filled with?
(Let's face it though, there are people in the world who are just 100% selfish, whose containers are full of themselves and permanently closed to anyone else. My advice? Stay away from these people, their containers are like the Tupperware that's permanently stained from the spaghetti sauce - throw it away and find another one.)
Here's another thought: if someone's container is filled with things like happiness, grace, generosity, and love, these are "light" things. They don't weigh down a container, and they are easily shared because of their buoyancy. Picture a child blowing bubbles - little hands try to catch them as they fly past and there are always more shiny, transparent, rainbow-streaked orbs floating by. It seems that the lighter someone's container is, the more room there is in it. Makes sense from a physics standpoint, don't you think? Easier to carry around, easier to share from, and easier to fill when necessary.
Conversely, if a person's container is filled with things like worry, stress, darkness, depression, self-absorption, anger, self-doubt, and hatred, that makes for a very heavy container. That kind is difficult to lug around, and there's certainly not much room in there for anyone else's stuff, even if the stuff that's trying to get in is happiness and love. So often I think we try to lighten the load of these people's containers but there's not much we can do if they are filled to the brim and sealed shut.
So while I don't want to reduce the emotional capacity of any human being to a plastic, predetermined sized, "Why can't I ever find the lid to this one?" receptacle, I think it's a good metaphor when dealing with other people in our lives whom we may be depending on to be there for us, in good times and in bad. We can ask ourselves, "Is their container big enough for me at the moment?" And then make healthy decisions based on what we feel is the answer to that question.
Even better, let's take a look at our own containers. Are they tiny, with no room for anything else? Closed up to receiving anything from anyone else? Filled with so much of our own stuff that we don't have room for anyone else's? Maybe it's good to do a "container check" once in a while on ourselves, to see what we have room for, and what might be holding something old and festering in the back of the fridge that needs to be tossed out once and for all.
Personally, I hope to keep my container filled up enough for myself, but with enough room for anyone else who might need the space. I would encourage you to regularly check your own container: How big is it? Are you hoarding anything unnecessary in there? Is that taking up room that could be used more efficiently for someone else's stuff?
The container store boasts more than 10,000 items to help you organize and contain yourself. But there's only one container you really need to worry about every day. Yours. I hope it's big enough for you and for whoever may need some space in it at any given time. I also hope you'll take the lid off once in a while and share the goodness inside your container with others. That's really what we're here for.
But that got me thinking about an experience I had nearly 10 years ago when I was emotionally broken inside as a result of a betrayal and ultimate loss of a very close friend. I remember talking to someone else about it, in-between sobs, bemoaning the fact that for the umpteenth time I had trusted her to be there for me and once again she let me fall onto the concrete, shattering my fragile heart and head that I was sure I had mended once and for all. Here's what this person said back to me:
"Her container isn't big enough for you."
I had to let that one sink in for a while. It completely made sense and it created such a perfect picture of the situation. There I was, overflowing with all of my stuff - happy, sad, confused, contented, worried, stressed, joyful, etc. etc. - and I wanted to share all of that with her, but, the same as we found out with the extra gravy last night, her container simply wasn't big enough to hold all of what I was offering.
That got me thinking about my own container, and the containers of the people that I have in my life right now. It also got me thinking about people's containers in general, and how they can shift in size and space depending on what's going on with themselves and their lives at any given time. For example, I know someone who is usually thoughtful, kind, generous, and goes above and beyond to make sure that people are being taken care of. She's currently in the middle of a difficult health problem, and therefore isn't as attentive to others as possible. Her container is filled up with her own stuff, and she doesn't have any room for anyone else's stuff right now. Which of course is completely understandable and necessary, and puts the responsibility of those of us who have room in our containers to try to add some joy and thoughtfulness and love into her container, so that she can draw on those when her own reserves run low.
Then there are people whose containers seem bottomless. No matter how many times you go to them, their arms are always opened wide, they always have time to listen, and their generosity knows no bounds. These containers also seem lidless - the good stuff just keeps getting generated and shared with no bottom or top to them at all. These containers seem to be the most rare in the world.
Then there are the people whose containers are always full. Full of their accomplishments, their problems, their stresses, their unfulfilled dreams, their unbreakable opinions, their steadfast mindsets, their prejudices, their annoyances, their superior attitudes, and their staggering volume of low self-esteem and self-questionable self-worth. I know A LOT of people with these kinds of containers. So full there's no room for joy or acceptance or anyone else whose viewpoints don't match the ones in their container. There's no mixing of leftovers in these people's Tupperwares - it's white meat turkey only in there - and don't let the dark meat even touch it.
(Yes, I'm aware that was quite an on-the-nose metaphor, but fears and tempers are still running high 16 days after the 2016 election.)
This also got me thinking, is the size of each of our containers genetically determined, like the color of our eyes? After giving it some thought, I'm going to answer that with a "no." I believe that our containers are determined by our experiences in our lives and that although each one of us is born with a container, it can stretch or shrink at any time based on a plethora of factors.
Question: If someone has a particularly small container, does that make them selfish? Answer: Depends on the situation. 10 years ago I would have said, "Yes! If someone's container isn't big enough for me, or other people, then they are selfish and should be condemned for it!" Now, I'm not so sure. I know that my container's space priority, at this point in my life, is reserved for my husband and my children first. If one of them is going through something that needs my time and attention, it takes up more room in my container, which leaves less room for other people at that time. It's not going to be that way forever, it's just while we're going through this container-space-occupying thing. Does that make me selfish? I don't think so. But I wonder if people are considered selfish because they are not effectively communicating what their container is currently focused on/filled with?
(Let's face it though, there are people in the world who are just 100% selfish, whose containers are full of themselves and permanently closed to anyone else. My advice? Stay away from these people, their containers are like the Tupperware that's permanently stained from the spaghetti sauce - throw it away and find another one.)
Here's another thought: if someone's container is filled with things like happiness, grace, generosity, and love, these are "light" things. They don't weigh down a container, and they are easily shared because of their buoyancy. Picture a child blowing bubbles - little hands try to catch them as they fly past and there are always more shiny, transparent, rainbow-streaked orbs floating by. It seems that the lighter someone's container is, the more room there is in it. Makes sense from a physics standpoint, don't you think? Easier to carry around, easier to share from, and easier to fill when necessary.
Conversely, if a person's container is filled with things like worry, stress, darkness, depression, self-absorption, anger, self-doubt, and hatred, that makes for a very heavy container. That kind is difficult to lug around, and there's certainly not much room in there for anyone else's stuff, even if the stuff that's trying to get in is happiness and love. So often I think we try to lighten the load of these people's containers but there's not much we can do if they are filled to the brim and sealed shut.
So while I don't want to reduce the emotional capacity of any human being to a plastic, predetermined sized, "Why can't I ever find the lid to this one?" receptacle, I think it's a good metaphor when dealing with other people in our lives whom we may be depending on to be there for us, in good times and in bad. We can ask ourselves, "Is their container big enough for me at the moment?" And then make healthy decisions based on what we feel is the answer to that question.
Even better, let's take a look at our own containers. Are they tiny, with no room for anything else? Closed up to receiving anything from anyone else? Filled with so much of our own stuff that we don't have room for anyone else's? Maybe it's good to do a "container check" once in a while on ourselves, to see what we have room for, and what might be holding something old and festering in the back of the fridge that needs to be tossed out once and for all.
Personally, I hope to keep my container filled up enough for myself, but with enough room for anyone else who might need the space. I would encourage you to regularly check your own container: How big is it? Are you hoarding anything unnecessary in there? Is that taking up room that could be used more efficiently for someone else's stuff?
The container store boasts more than 10,000 items to help you organize and contain yourself. But there's only one container you really need to worry about every day. Yours. I hope it's big enough for you and for whoever may need some space in it at any given time. I also hope you'll take the lid off once in a while and share the goodness inside your container with others. That's really what we're here for.
Friday, November 18, 2016
Tomorrow
"The sun'll come out...tomorrow...bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow...there'll be sun..."
Anyone remember this song? From the musical Annie, where Little Orphan Annie tries to always be an optimistic force in her own dark and difficult young life by reminding us that there is always tomorrow to look forward to.
The song itself was my go-to belt out song when I was 8, as it was for all of us young aspiring singers who finally had a glorious and sweeping show tune that was (somewhat) in our own range, written for someone of our (somewhat) age to sing.
While as a kid I sang this song constantly (around the house, in the car along with the 8-track tape, and at a school concert), I'll be honest, I've never actually paid much attention to the words.
They became very clear to me last night.
Last night my husband was on a work phone call to India. He got on the call at 9 pm MST, while it was simultaneously 8:30 a.m. the following morning for the people he was talking to.
For some reason, this made my brain fizz over just a little bit.
Now I'm well aware of the Earth's rotation and time zones (although for the life of me I cannot figure out why this part of India is 11.5 hours ahead, not simply 11 or 12) and I completely understand the concept of the International Date Line and all of that. But as he was physically talking to people who were already well into the next day that we couldn't even imagine, those lyrics started going through my head...
"The sun'll come out..tomorrow..."
For them, the sun had already come out. For us, it had just set. And combining this extremely simplistic, yet also mind-blowing concept with what I've been going through for the past few months (and especially week) made an idea strike me with the great force of a lightning bolt...although I had known it all along.
Never give up.
No matter what.
There will always be tomorrow, which means there will always be a possibility of your current situation improving. As long as the Earth is turning (and the scientists say that this should continue for several million more years), there is always tomorrow.
I don't mean that we should wish our lives away and keep looking toward the future with no concern for what's going on TODAY, in the present moment. But when you've been worn down and despondent and you can't seem to find the hope you stashed away for when you needed it most, it helps to remember that no matter how bad things were today, or yesterday, or for the past week, there is always tomorrow.
This doesn't mean that your problems will magically disappear with the rising of the next sun. But it does mean that there's a chance that tomorrow will be better than today was. Yes, there's also a chance that it could be worse, but it COULD be better. People in their deepest, darkest moments of despair leap from bridges or take a mountain of sleeping pills because they can't see a way out of their hopelessness and anguish for one more moment. They are stuck in their heads and are unable to see the big picture of concepts like tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or the possibility that they will be anywhere other than where they are right now at that horrible destructive all-consuming moment.
Please don't let that happen to you. Yes, we all go through challenges in life, but it's up to us to not allow ourselves to get mired down in them. Life is filled with ups and downs and sometimes we get hit by more downs than ups. It happens. But the ups will still be there - in fact, they are just waiting for us to get through with the downs to provide a springboard toward the next ones. When do those happen?
Tomorrow.
Or if not tomorrow, then the day after tomorrow. Or the day after that day. But please always always remember that no matter how bleak or dismal or hopeless today seems, the sun will rise tomorrow, and in fact, depending on where you live, it's already up and people have already lived a whole half of one of their days on Earth. Be encouraged. Have faith. Don't give up.
The sun'll come out tomorrow.
Anyone remember this song? From the musical Annie, where Little Orphan Annie tries to always be an optimistic force in her own dark and difficult young life by reminding us that there is always tomorrow to look forward to.
The song itself was my go-to belt out song when I was 8, as it was for all of us young aspiring singers who finally had a glorious and sweeping show tune that was (somewhat) in our own range, written for someone of our (somewhat) age to sing.
While as a kid I sang this song constantly (around the house, in the car along with the 8-track tape, and at a school concert), I'll be honest, I've never actually paid much attention to the words.
They became very clear to me last night.
Last night my husband was on a work phone call to India. He got on the call at 9 pm MST, while it was simultaneously 8:30 a.m. the following morning for the people he was talking to.
For some reason, this made my brain fizz over just a little bit.
Now I'm well aware of the Earth's rotation and time zones (although for the life of me I cannot figure out why this part of India is 11.5 hours ahead, not simply 11 or 12) and I completely understand the concept of the International Date Line and all of that. But as he was physically talking to people who were already well into the next day that we couldn't even imagine, those lyrics started going through my head...
"The sun'll come out..tomorrow..."
For them, the sun had already come out. For us, it had just set. And combining this extremely simplistic, yet also mind-blowing concept with what I've been going through for the past few months (and especially week) made an idea strike me with the great force of a lightning bolt...although I had known it all along.
Never give up.
No matter what.
There will always be tomorrow, which means there will always be a possibility of your current situation improving. As long as the Earth is turning (and the scientists say that this should continue for several million more years), there is always tomorrow.
I don't mean that we should wish our lives away and keep looking toward the future with no concern for what's going on TODAY, in the present moment. But when you've been worn down and despondent and you can't seem to find the hope you stashed away for when you needed it most, it helps to remember that no matter how bad things were today, or yesterday, or for the past week, there is always tomorrow.
This doesn't mean that your problems will magically disappear with the rising of the next sun. But it does mean that there's a chance that tomorrow will be better than today was. Yes, there's also a chance that it could be worse, but it COULD be better. People in their deepest, darkest moments of despair leap from bridges or take a mountain of sleeping pills because they can't see a way out of their hopelessness and anguish for one more moment. They are stuck in their heads and are unable to see the big picture of concepts like tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or the possibility that they will be anywhere other than where they are right now at that horrible destructive all-consuming moment.
Please don't let that happen to you. Yes, we all go through challenges in life, but it's up to us to not allow ourselves to get mired down in them. Life is filled with ups and downs and sometimes we get hit by more downs than ups. It happens. But the ups will still be there - in fact, they are just waiting for us to get through with the downs to provide a springboard toward the next ones. When do those happen?
Tomorrow.
Or if not tomorrow, then the day after tomorrow. Or the day after that day. But please always always remember that no matter how bleak or dismal or hopeless today seems, the sun will rise tomorrow, and in fact, depending on where you live, it's already up and people have already lived a whole half of one of their days on Earth. Be encouraged. Have faith. Don't give up.
The sun'll come out tomorrow.
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