In the past I've been on the fence about New Year's resolutions. The pattern I've seen with myself and other people is that we are completely, 100%, gung-ho about our resolutions that always include bettering ourselves somehow; losing weight, exercising more, becoming more organized, etc. They are always about something that we feel is lacking in ourselves and that we want to fix. I think that when we look at resolutions this way we set ourselves up to fail because the underlying belief when we set out to make these changes is that we are not perfectly okay and acceptable the just the way we are already. We feel like these modifications will finally help to make us suitable for living the happy and fulfilled life that we have always dreamed of. Which is why the first time we skip the gym, or lose our keys, or eat a piece of chocolate, we tend to throw in the towel and tell ourselves, "Well at least I made it longer than I did last year!"
This year I have a different feeling about New Year's resolutions. It comes courtesy of a person whom I trust and admire (okay, it's James Murray, actor, comedy writer and performer, and published author, most famous for the show Impractical Jokers, whose video I watched yesterday on this very topic). He was talking about how much he believes in the positive effectiveness of making New Year's resolutions, especially in the power of writing them down. He said that not only is the act of writing them down empowering for the person, but it also helps him to be able to really focus and hone in on the specific goals he wants to accomplish. His weren't big, vague goals like "I want to be a better person," his were distinct ones like "Sell a comedy show to a major network," and "Visit Colorado at least once." I really like that approach because I believe that putting things out into the universe with the intention of getting them done can really help us when trying to achieve our goals, and that we can consider the universe our partner in getting them done.
Along with the focusing our intentions specifically, what he said next I thought was both funny and true. Murr said that when we write our goals down, and keep them in a place where we can see them daily, we feel so guilty about NOT doing what we said we wanted to do that we end up doing them! Isn't that hilarious? For those of us for whom guilt can be a strong motivation factor, I'm in! Whatever works to get us to our goals, right?!
All kidding aside, after watching his video, and receiving his "personal" encouragement to go after my hopes and dreams, I decided that I would indeed make some New Year's resolutions for myself this January 1st. So far I've come up with 2 (second one to be revealed in next post).
1. Stop complaining. Period. I've been thinking about this for a few weeks ever since I heard myself complaining for the third time in three days about something that I had to do that I didn't want to do. I was visiting with some people whom I hadn't seen in about a year. We were catching up on each others' lives, laughing and talking about what we were all up to, and I found myself monologuing about this particular thing, repeating the same grumbling and grousings that I had said to some friends the day before, and to a different friend the day before. Halfway through my minor tirade I feel like I stepped out of myself and was watching me from the outside, as these people were doing. They were all nodding their heads and saying things like, "Ugh, I hear you," and "Yeah, me too!" and I noted that the entire mood of the room had changed from brightness and joy to gloomy and gray. I realized in that moment that I HAD DONE THAT! I had changed the entire timbre of the experience for everyone and I felt my brain say to myself, "What are you doing? Is this the person you want to be? Do you want to be the person who spreads light and encouragement and sparkle into the world, or do you want to be one who throws dourness and bitterness and pessimism into the space and minds of the people around you?" This was quickly followed by a loud and unmistakable message from my brain which was, "STOP!!!!!"
I stopped, and did my best to detour the conversation to a happier direction, but after I left these people I took a long time to think about what had just happened. I replayed the conversation in my head and really looked at it with a critical eye. Was all of the hate, judgment, and vitriol being spewed about on social media and in our collective consciousness rubbing off on me? Was I allowing other people's frustration and despair in the world around them to creep into my sensibilities? At once I was reminded of the words from Professor Randy Pausch's famous Last Lecture speech: "Do you want to be a Tigger or an Eeyore?"
Well I know the answer to that (it's a Tigger), but I allowed myself to travel back in time to 2 places to help me illustrate that more clearly to my own self.
I remembered a very close friend I had my freshman year of college. When we met we both felt like each other was the sister we had never had. We would stay up late talking about anything and everything, we called each other our best friends, and we liked each other so much that we decided to become roommates our sophomore year. I remember I was so happy. I felt like I had finally found a person who really "got" me - my sense of humor, my outlook on life, and someone with whom I could really be 100% myself.
A few months into this newfound friendship bliss, another friend of mine (a junior, so much older and wiser) took me aside and told me as gently as she could that perhaps this sister-friend of mine wasn't necessarily as good for me as I thought she was. She mentioned how much I had changed since hanging out with her, and that this friend missed the happy, cheerful, encouraging person she had so enjoyed spending time with before I had met this other one. She told me that I was no longer the bright and inspiring person she had been drawn to from the moment she met me, and asked me to just consider what she was saying out of love for me and wanting me to have the happiest and most fulfilled life I could have.
Wow. This was most definitely a blow to my spirit, and looking back on it now I can see what immense courage it took for her to take the risk to say those things to me. The change in me must have mattered a lot for her to take that time and effort to say those difficult things to me (that no one wants to hear), rather than just write me off as someone who was beyond help.
Fast forward a few months to sophomore year, and I had a friend (whom I didn't necessarily know very well) visit me at college. On Day 2 of his visit I noticed he was seeming pretty down and unlike his usual chipper self. I asked him what was wrong and he responded, "All you guys do is complain and talk about each other. You never have any fun. How do you live like this?"
Wow again. An even bigger blow to my heart and spirit because I had no idea that this was what my life had become. We salvaged his trip by going off by ourselves and doing our own thing sans my friends, but his words stayed with me as I examined what he said as a person looking in from the outside.
He was right. And my other friend was right too. I had changed. I had fallen into a pattern of complaining and bellyaching, and, if you'll forgive the salty phrase, "bitching and moaning" about my life, no matter what was happening in it. And as I thought about it, I realized something that I hadn't realized before:
Complaining is fun. Whining and fussing about every situation satisfies our desire to find the worst in everything. Even more so, criticizing everything and everyONE around us keeps us on what we believe to be a higher level. If we're constantly judging others and putting everyone else down, it lets us remain at the top, perceiving ourselves to be superior to everyone and everything we're deliberately putting below us. That's how I was living. And to a certain degree, it felt good.
I will forever be grateful to those two souls who cared about me enough to tell me the hard stuff I didn't want to hear. To be honest, it hurt a lot to hear those things from those two people, but thankfully enough of my true self was still left that I was able to put aside the pain of what felt like attacks on my very self to realize the truth of their words. And I can still remember them now.
(Just to wrap up the story of the sister-friend, about a month after we started living together, she ended up dating the guy that I had a crush on, after promising me she would help me "land" him. She moved out less than halfway through our second semester and dumped the guy - whom she didn't really like but was a perfect rebound for her - shortly thereafter. I bumped into her fifteen or so years later at a mutual friend's wedding. I was happily married with two kids and a successful career, she was miserably single, working at a job she hated, and still seemed to be mad at the world for dealing her such a bad hand. Once again, very very thankful for those two people who took the time to help me reset my thinking and put me on a different, healthier path.
I also traveled back in time to remember some quotes from some of my favorite books of all time. (I actually didn't have to travel back that far because I still read them regularly.) They are the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. In them she discusses frequently how she was taught to never complain. During the hard winter where the family almost starved and nearly froze to death, Laura was complaining about the dry wheat bread that they were forced to eat when all other provisions ran out. Her mother cut her off saying, "Don't complain Laura! Never complain about what you have!" So true. It's all in how you look at it. When the family lost all of their crops to a grasshopper plague, they were all standing outside, completely devastated at the demise of their hopes for the coming year. Next to the decimated fields were the chickens, running maniacally around, gobbling grasshoppers as quickly as possible. Ma remarked quietly, "There is no great loss without some small gain. Now at least we don't have to buy feed for the hens." That would have been the most perfect, acceptable, and completely understandable time to complain, but she chose to have a different perspective and find the good in the situation.
Which brings me to what I really wanted to say which is that complaining, criticizing, finding the worse in the world around you, is always a CHOICE. We can choose every single time to see the bad in a situation or to find the silver lining. Also, haven't you noticed that when we complain about something, while it may feel good at the time, it does absolutely nothing to solve the problem or better the situation? In her later writing Laura Ingalls Wilder says (and I'm paraphrasing here) "If you have a headache, don't complain about the headache. You will find that it will go away sooner if you think pleasant thoughts instead." True physically, but also metaphorically as well.
I also love the story of when Dolly Parton was shooting the movie Steel Magnolias. The story goes that they were shooting an outdoor winter scene so all of the actresses were bundled up in wool sweaters and coats. The actual temperature that day was sweltering so while they were waiting for lights to be adjusted and cameras to be set, everyone was sweating and complaining about how terribly hot and uncomfortable they were. All except for Dolly Parton. Apparently she was happily winging on a nearby tree swing, singing to herself and patiently waiting for the scene to begin. Some of the women went over to her and said, "What are you doing? Aren't you hot? Do you feel how horrible this is?" And Dolly responded, still swinging along, "All my life I've wanted to be a major movie star and I ain't about to complain about what comes with it."
Don't you just LOVE that?! What an amazing lesson about making choices in trying times. For every bad thing that happens, and for every good thing too for that matter, our attitude toward them depends completely on how we choose to look at it.
So I am writing down this New Year's resolution for myself: Don't complain. I'm going to channel Laura Ingalls Wilder, and her mother Caroline, and Dolly Parton, and remember to always see the bright side of every situation. Even if I can't see a bright side, I'm going to CHOOSE to NOT spread misery and derision or anything other than light and joy out into the world. I'm going to write it down and put it where I can see it so I can focus on it, remember it, and if necessary, let the guilt of not doing it (if that happens) to guide me back toward doing it every day.
How about you? Do you want to be a Tigger or an Eeyore? How do you want to spend your new year that's filled with possibilities and opportunities for either?
In the words of the character I'm choosing; "Well, I gotta go now. I've gotta lotta bouncin' to do! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! T-T-F-N, ta-ta for now!" - Tigger
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